As in “The Guys” brand of slacks.
Tight-fitting, polyester manly-man slacks — the “preferred profile pants.”
Read on or get a closer look for the full impact, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. And not just about the fat-shaming — there’s some sexual innuendo (of course) AND a lovely bit of racism in there too!
Random trivia you might need to know: “Best/Prest” = 65% polyester, 35% cotton.
From left to right….
If you are 40 or under — around the waist — The Guys are your slacks.
Being able to wear The Guys isn’t a matter of luck. If you’ve been wise enough to keep your chest bigger than your stomach – The Guys are for you. You look good, they look good on you. The Guys are lastingly Best/Prest. Get to wear The Guys!
Just 42 pounds away from wearing The Guys
It’s a worthwhile project — slimming down for The Guys. They’re made for guys 40 or under — around the waist. That way we tailor them to look good on people who look good. Naturally, The Guys are Best/Prest, handsomely finished and all those other details you’d expect in pants made only for trim people. Get to wear The Guys!
If your dad can wear The Guys slacks and you can’t — shame on you
The Guys slacks are made for special guys. Those whose chests are bigger than their stomachs. Guys 40 or under — around the waist. Guys who fit neatly into a sports car. Or slam a ball a mile down the middle. If you aren’t ready for The Guys — get ready.
The Guys don’t discriminate against fat people — just waistlines
It’s true. Not everyone can wear The Guys slacks. We make them to fit men whose chests are bigger than their stomachs. That way we tailor them to look best of guys we are 40 or under — around the waist! (Bigger sizes we leave to Omar and the other tent makers.) Naturally, The Guys are Best/Prest. Get to wear The Guys!
Preferred — by preferred profiles
Think of The Guys as a social asset. For elevation to preferred positions. If you are impressive — if your chest is bigger than your stomach — you can wear The Guys.
Oy. Uff da. Bloody hell. WHAT THE FUCK.
Let’s take a closer look at Mr. Prick McPedestal in all his Full Polyester Glory, shall we?
Mr. Prick McPedestal:
SMUG WANKER INTERNATIONAL
You might think our friend Prick is wearing haute couture slacks designed by Halston or Bill Blass.
You’d wrong. Oh, sooooo wrong.
Little does Mr. McPedestal know, the behind-the-smoke-screen designer is a guy named Marv from Wisconsin. Specifically, Oshkosh, Wisconsin, where Marv can be found smoking a cigar while sitting on his plastic chair inside the exalted fashion empire of Oshkosh B’gosh.
I made up the part about Marv and his chair and his cigar, but – I shit you not – this ad was commissioned and approved by the same company who built their reputation with branding like this:
This whole “The Guys” branding and sales pitch is just SCREAMING to be a Mad Men episode, isn’t it? Get on that, Matthew Weiner.
So, now what?
We now officially wrap up this five-part episode of Epic Mean Girl Rant of WTF Righteous Indignation. I plan on reading only GOOD books from now on, but we all know how well that’s worked out so far.
If you’re joining this rant in progress, don’t miss the beginning and middle of all this WTFery:
- World Series of Romance: Squeeze Play by Kate Angell
- Follow-Up: Fun with Fat Shaming! (Part 1)
- More Fun with Fat Shaming: Group Project!
- Even MORE Fun with Fat Shaming: The Low-Fat/No-Fat Edition!
- Final Round of Fun with Fat Shaming: The Guys