One-Quote Review: Her Best Worst Mistake by Sarah Mayberry

  • Her Best Worst Mistake by Sarah MayberryTitle: Her Best Worst Mistake
  • Author: Sarah Mayberry
  • Series: N/A (sequel to Hot Island Nights)
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Self-Published, May 2012
  • Source: Amazon, $2.99
  • Quick blurb: Smartass heroine and uptight hero – the perfect combination.
  • Grade: A

 “Shut up,” he said, and then he kissed her, because there was no other way of conveying how he felt.

Kids: “Mom, what’s for supper?” Me: ….. Kids: “MOM!” Me: [waves absently towards the kitchen]. Daughter: “She’s reading one of those books again.”

One-Quote Review: Takoda by T. M. Hobbs

  • Takoda by T. M. HobbsTitle: Takoda
  • Author: T.M. Hobbs
  • Series: N/A
  • Genre(s): Historical, Short Story
  • Publisher: Books to Go Now, January 2012
  • Source: Amazon, 99¢
  • Quick blurb: Kidnapping by “savage Indian” = Twu Wuv
  • Grade: D

His words made me feel an unusual feeling inside of me.

Simplistic first-person narration, a bare minimum of dialogue and the absence of any dramatic tension – combined with a ridiculously naive “plot” – make this short story read like a middle school homework assignment. (Lovely cover, though)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I tried this one because I was curious if the stereotypes from the blurb made it into the story:

Sara’s worst fears are realized, when she is taken captive by who she thinks is one of the same savage Indians who killed her parents. But her captor, Takoda, is different from those who robbed her of her mother and father.

The more time spent together, neither can deny their intense attraction. With every look, a passion burns between them, and soon she understands why Takoda took her from her home.

Will Sara let go of the hurt of the past and risk everything for her bronze skinned warrior?

One-Quote Review: The Governess Affair by Courtney Milan

“I’m here to horrify you,” he said.

Oh, Hugo Marshall, you can horrify me ANYTIME. *~*swoon*~*. And the hairpins. MY GOD, the HAIRPINS. *~*swoon*~* >thud<.

Badass by Sable Hunter – The Full Review

Badass by Sable Hunter

  • Title: Badass
  • Author: Sable Hunter
  • Series: Hell Yeah! Book 4
  • Genre(s): Contemporary, Erotica
  • Publisher: Self-Published, March 2012
  • Purchase: I don’t want to link to it, but I suppose I should: Amazon, $4.99 (courtesy of Jane at DearAuthor.com)
  • Tropes: Unrequited Love, Virgin Heroine, Cowboy Alpha Male, Simile Sex, Misogyny
  • Quick blurb: Preacher’s daughter undergoes self-imposed slutification to earn the love of a biker cowboy Dom.
  • Quick review: Not nearly as painful as the last one, but demeaning treatment of female characters is stomach-turning.
  • Grade: D-

All right, so I may have gone overboard with the length of my last review. Smarminess levels were appropriate, but I freely admit I have difficulty shutting myself up sometimes.

To avoid a repeat of that tl:dr trauma, and because I am a Geek and a Nerd and a Dork with NO LIFE, I decided take the opportunity to use a social media site I’ve been dying to try:

Live-Tweeting and Storifying Isaac & Avery’s Story (Hell Yeah! Book 4)

Prologue and Chapter 1
In which preacher’s daughter runs away to Shady Lady Ranch in Nevada for Self-Imposed Slutification under the tutelage of mentors Destiny, Desiree, Roxy and Claret.

Chapter 2
In which Avery Rose and her pink Miss Kitty luggage and sleeping bag arrive back in Kerrville on Harley Sportster. Bar fight, blow job in hotel room, ecstasy, he leaves.

Chapter 3
In which our heroine displays her Shady Lady Stripper Skillz, news of Slutification hits local headlines, deflowering occurs and Isaac shows his true colors as a Manwhore McCoy.

Chapter 4
In which the heroine outs herself as an erotica writer named SABLE HUNTER and then gets a microphone stuck in her mouth.

Chapter 5
In which we enjoy granny panties, Braveheart, bacon and glitter.

Chapter 6
In which we meet villain-bait stock characters, enter our hero’s Secret Basement Sex Dungeon Playroom, push up through the Valley of Delight, rejoice in our heroine’s expanded vocabulary, and get called up to the Big Leagues of Sex. Also, plot moppet puts Sub collar on family dog.

Chapters 7 & 8
In which I attempt to distract myself politics with a hermaphrodite, sex on a mechanical bull, ooey-gooey pumpkin butter cake, some unexpected and inexplicably good writing (!) which segues into abrupt POV change to family dog, yet another kidnapping but this time foiled by family dog, and swelling organs during HEA.

First impressions:

I didn’t hate it. I even LIKED parts of it. I’m in Book Purgatory, actually considering a C- grade. But what if my enthusiasm is merely disguised relief that it wasn’t a CESSPOOL OF CRAP like the last book? I need to think about this.  My worldview has been disrupted. My personal paradigm has shifted. I might need a sabbatical in Kerrville, Texas, to reconnect with my Inner Bitch Goddess.

If my doctor does recommend Cowboy Immersion Therapy, my first shrine of worship will be Hardbodies Bar. If they don’t have Isaac’s black leather Dom hood with the Tebow Rockin’ T ranch brand embossed on the forehead on display, I’m going to be REALLY disappointed.

[Oh, sorry – that was a spoiler. I keep forgetting to despoilerize. You know, because of all the suspense.]

Also, I’m 99 percent sure that me and the mechanical bull should stay far, far apart. But what’s a mental health sabbatical without a visit to the emergency room?

Let’s make it a road trip. You know you want to come with me. No, wait, a bus trip. That way we can drink heavily and let someone else do the driving.

Read the full review at DearAuthor.com

Her Magic Touch by Sable Hunter – The Full Review

  • Her Magic Touch by Sable HunterTitle: Her Magic Touch
  • Author: Sable Hunter
  • Series: Hell Yeah! Book 3
  • Genre(s): Contemporary, Erotica
  • Publisher: Self-Published, October 2011
  • Purchase: Amazon, $4.99 (YES, I paid $ for it)
  • Tropes:  Insta-Love, Virgin Heroine, Cowboy Alpha Male, TSTL, Simile Sex
  • Quick blurb:Misogynistic daredevil asshole, paralyzed in a motocross accident, hires ugly voodoo priestess, who doesn’t know she’s really a guardian angel, to restore his manhood. Also, celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse makes a cameo appearance.
  • Quick review: Continuing Adventures in Epic Assholery and Virgin Sacrifice: In Which Sable Hunter Mistakes Misogyny for Romance
  • Grade: F

NOTE: I’m deleting the separate posts with my “read along” status updates because I was lazy and copy/pasted them into the full review…. And because I figured I should try to contain all the bitchiness within a smaller blogographical area. I’m leaving the Bad Sex roundup intact.

At the end of the Hell Yeah! Book 2 review, I mentioned that a few glimpses of the main characters of Book 3 made me cautiously optimistic that we would finally get a grown-up female worthy of being called a “heroine.”

I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

I also bitched and whined about the misogyny in the previous book, but Oh. Dear. God.

This was worse.

Therefore, I’m subtitling this review:

Continuing Adventures In Epic Assholery And Virgin Sacrifice: A Misogyny Manifesto

NOTE: For the purposes of this review, I’m defining “misogyny” as:

  • Infantilizing or otherwise demeaning and marginalizing women;
  • Inferring or stating outright that life without a man is not worth living;
  • Demonstrating double standards regarding male and female sexuality (e.g., manwhores rewarded with virgins);
  • Depicting assertive female characters as sluts;
  • Referring to female characters as “fresh meat”;
  • Repeatedly comparing female characters to abused or abandoned animals; AND/OR
  • Depicting a woman in premature labor serving coffee and doughnuts to lazy-ass men who are perfectly capable of getting the fucking coffee themselves.

It can be a little confusing, so here’s a handy dandy flowchart. Also available in printer-friendly PDF. It’s even color-coded for extra impressiveness! (Yes, I have a day job. Shut up and keep reading, and stop picking on me because I worked really hard on this and now you’re hurting my feelings.)

But wait, there’s more! In addition to the character inconsistencies, eye-rolling “coincidences” and inane detail we’ve come to expect, we also get a whole muddle of unnecessary paranormal nonsense – all of which completely distracted me from the Bad Sex. And of course that just sucked all the fun right out of this, officially making it the Absolute Worst Book I Have Ever Read.

(No, I have not read The Book That Shall Not Be Named, because I refuse to pay $10 for a crappy self-pubbed ebook. I only budget $5 for that sort of thing.)

Let’s get this over with – I need to cleanse my brain with… Something. Anything.

WARNING: This review/diatribe contains irrelevant analogies, bad sports metaphors, gratuitous musical interludes, self-indulgent run-on sentences (heh) and buckets of righteous indignation (it’s a manifesto, duh), with definite overtones of Mean Girl. It’s also very long, so I hope you brought snacks.

Read the full review at DearAuthor.com >>

Oh Dear God: Flaming Waves of Bliss and Hot Whipped Cream

Hell Yeah! Book 3 – The Bad Sex

No room for these apples and elevators and car engines and wild cherries and treasure houses and summer thunderstorms and banquets and wieners and homing devices and ancient pagan rhythms of life in the ridiculously over-long full review coming soon to Dear Author.

But of course these are too good not to share….. Number indicates Kindle location.

A few favorites:

Her Magic Touch by Sable Hunter

  • 2975: Ripples of pleasure sparkled from her vagina.
  • 2982: Waves of bliss flamed up from her vagina.
  • 3391: …the orgasm just burst upon her like a summer thunderstorm, raining down rivers of refreshing, engulfing pleasure.
  • 3539: …it was like his cock was a homing device and her hand was on a special mission.
  • 3574: …creating a fire that a thousand orgasms would never douse.
  • 3590: …it was like a high-speed elevator that had pushed upward and upward and upward finally being released and freefalling down in an extreme rush of blissful heat.
  • 4150: …sucked him in like quicksand – except this was like sinking into hot whipped cream.
  • 4335: …her knee resting right on top of his package. He just hoped she didn’t bear down hard and smash his wiener.
  • 4850: …getting her nekkid and primed for his loving.

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