Totally Not Book-Related You’ve Been Warned

The Nut Cup: A Sports Mom’s Lament

Fourteen years ago, when my boy-type child was born, no one warned me about the The Nut Cup.

February 3, 2017 – outside the bathroom door

No one warned me about the agonies of location, retrieval, placement, extraction, transportation and storage of The Nut Cup.

No one told me that precious minutes – nay, hours – of my life would focus on the whereabouts and well-being of The Nut Cup.

To help prevent Nut Cup Angst as your boy-type child ages out of t-ball, below are basic facts you might find educational.

FACT: When one who requires The Nut Cup has placed The Nut Cup in optimal position, The Nut Cup must be rapped loudly three times to proclaim success.

FACT: The Nut Cup has no permanent habitat. It thrives in ecosystems like the bathroom counter, the floor of a car, the side pocket of a purse, or the inside of a sneaker.

FACT: Nut Cups can also be found on computer desks, holding empty cheese stick wrappers while waiting patiently for their turn to play Minecraft.

FACT: Some Nut Cups are tattooed with their owner’s initials in the event they wander off into Foreign Nut Cup Territory.

FACT: At some point in your Sports Parenting career, you will have a long discussion about The Differences Between Bras and Nut Cups (“like a bra but the WHOLE THING is underwire!”) This usually occurs in the car on the way to or from practice and may continue into the toothpaste aisle at Target.

May 18, 2017 – back of living room chair (protest sign courtesy of Thing1)

Some role-playing scenarios for awkward situations:

Him: The package said “clean with warm soapy water.”

You: YOU DROPPED IT IN A PUDDLE IN THE DUGOUT THAT FUCKER IS GETTING BOILED IN BLEACH.

Him: WHY IS THE DOG PLAYING WITH MY NUT CUP?

A: She found it in the couch cushions and you know that’s finders keepers.

Him: WHAT IS THAT ON MY GRADUATION CAKE?

You: Your nut cup. Don’t worry, we’ll wash it with warm soapy water.

THE END.

The Classic Movies List: A Rec for Every Romance Trope

Here’s the work-in-progress list— The Google doc is always open for more!

Kelly’s Must-See List

Because it’s All About Me. Watch these and report back.

Comedy

 It Happened One Night The Shop Around the Corner How to Marry a Millionaire

Drama

 Drama_TheClock  Drama_BestYearsOfOurLives Drama_RandomHarvest

Note: I would have included Casablanca, but that’s just a given on any list.

Suspense

Suspense_Notorious  Suspense_Rebecca Suspense_Gaslight

  • Notorious — I’ll just be over here curled up in a ball yelling things at the television.
  • Rebecca — Perfect casting of a perfect adaptation of a perfect novel.
  • Gaslight — Your skin will crawl until the beta hero saves the day.

Note: All the best suspense movies have one-word titles.

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Year in Review: The Page O’ Lists

Have I mentioned that I ♥ bullet lists? And…ellipses. Also — em-dashes.

Favorite historicals….

Virtuous Scoundrel by Maggie Fenton

Favorite contemporaries….

Favorite inspies….

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Weekend O’ Random Lists: The Colonial/Revolutionary Binge

The party continues with a list that’s not so random – my recent reads about colonial, revolutionary and post-war/frontier America. I’d been hoarding most of these for years, but finally got inspired by — wait for it — Jude Devereux’s The Raider.

Most are from inspie publishers, who seem to be the only ones interested in non-Brit settings. Maybe someday Harlequin will discover early America. I would GLOM THAT SO HARD. That sounds vaguely dirty, but you know what I mean.

All the family pics are from a trip to Washington D.C.,  in 2008 to visit my little sis, who had an actual job actually schmoozing actual politicians. She likes that sort of thing (*~*shudder*~*).

Kids_MtVernon2

Damn, my kids are cute.

Things 1&2 were eight and five. We spent July 4th at Mount Vernon, where it was approximately 157 degrees, with mosquitoes the size of bats and restroom lines nine miles long. It sounded like a good idea at the time.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The colonial era

The Winthrop Woman by Anya Seton

The Winthrop Woman by Anya Seton
The story of Elizabeth Fones Winthrop Feake Hallet,  a founder of Greenwich, Connecticut, and ancestor of Howard Dean,  John Kerry, Amelia Earhart, Bill Gates and Johnny Depp. No, seriously. Not quite as good as Seton’s Katherine, but definitely a must-read. There’s some info-dumping when the narrative skips ahead a few months or years, but the heroine’s struggles with her Puritan community and the harshness of the early settlements are incredibly vivid and memorable. Grade: A- (HMH, 1958; purchased (I own all of Seton in paper, ebook and audio)) Continue reading

The 2015 Page O’ Wishful Thinking

Alternate title: I Have a LOT of Good Intentions

girl-reading-with-pug-charles-barber1My 2014 had a lot of comfort reading, and a lot of weekends-with-no-kids binge reading, but very little reading-to-review. I think that slow-down was partially due to my growing obsession with audiobooks; I tend to read traditional books very fast, and audiobooks force me to slow down and hear every word and immerse myself in the language. That kind of wallowing is great for Heyer and Kinsale and the Austen/Eyre/Gaskell classics, but it’s also made me rush through too many genre reads, and ignore longer books, in order to accumulate that sense of accomplishment in knocking down the TBR.

Remind me to remind myself that nobody else cares about the depth and breadth of my unreads. It’s not a competition. It simply doesn’t matter.

What matters is finding books that matter to me, and participating in discussions, and writing about why I love reading, and endeavoring to elucidate those ephemeral emotions that emerge whilst engaging in erudite entertainments.

Wow. I haven’t alliterated like that in a long time. And with vowels! Damn, I’m good.

ANYWAY. So here’s my plan that’s not an Official Plan because that would totally negate everything I bloviated about above.

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The 2014 Page O’ Lists

In no particular order….

Favorite historicals:

2014_Historicals

Fave contemporaries:

2014_Contemporaries

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MORE RANTYPANTS: Writing Mental Illness for Fun and Profit

FULL SNARK AHEAD.

Yes, I’m taking my meds. Shut up. Also, it’s my birthday, so I can put on as many pairs of RANTYPANTS as I want. And maybe even go commando in them. That episode of Friends is my all-time favorite.

Sorry, where were we? All that lack of focus must mean I’m ADHD. Maybe a certain self-proclaimed expert can do a fly-by diagnosis for me.

So. Someone retweeted this, and I could not stop myself from clicking that damn link.

writing_insanity

http://www.indiesunlimited.com/2014/09/30/9-tips-for-writing-an-insane-character

How fun was it? Let’s take a look at a few highlights:

You need to get specific. There are about a million types of crazy.

Does anyone else see the WTF in this statement? Just me?

I even took a university class on abnormal psychology….  For those of you looking to lose your fictional marbles, let me share what I’ve learned.

One undergrad class makes one an expert? I shall update my résumé! Let’s see…world religions, astronomy, statistics, juvenile delinquency (A+ in that one! I should write a book!), Intermediate German (there’s a good story about that), visual communications (in which I researched the brilliance of Cecil Beaton so I’m an expert on him too). OH! Also: racquetball! My only A in a PE class; I had a killer serve.

Yes, I changed my major seven times. Shut up and keep reading.

What flaw is splintering your character’s sanity? Is it alcohol abuse, as in The Shining?

Because mental illness is never just an illness. I keep wondering what my Deep Dark Secret or Tragic Past is, because I honestly can’t remember. Maybe I should try regression therapy. Or I could make up something, like…I was kidnapped as a toddler and force-fed mercury-tainted tuna by a satanic motorcycle gang club. That’s crazy enough to justify my crazypants, right?

I detest tuna. Just the smell of it makes me nauseous. I should write a book about that.

…obsession is a side effect of having a screw loose…

Let’s try this instead: …obsession is a side effect symptom of having a screw loose mental illness. Got it? It’s really not that difficult a concept.

Give your insane character these moments!

If only my mental illness was momentary. And deserving of !!!exclamationpoints!!! I feel so undeserving.

Writing insane characters offers a fantastic chance to use dramatic irony.

I shall endeavor to find the ironic moments in the drama that is my life.

5. He shows symptoms of a real mental disorder

Does this really need to be said? Seriously???

Most insane characters seem to have an escalated version of psychosis. This disorder is worth researching, from the early signs (social withdrawal, sleep disturbance, anxiety…) to full-blown delusions, hallucinations, and speech problems.

I don’t doubt the items mentioned correlate with some forms of psychosis (which, btw, is a generic umbrella term and not an actual diagnosis). But calling out common issues like anxiety and equating speech problems with full-blown delusions reduces a highly complex medical issue to nothing more than some potential Amazon keywords.

Insane characters are not like this.

Because all crazy is the same — even though there’s million different kinds of it. [See what I did there?]

8. He was set off by something

What triggered your character’s descent into madness? You may choose to show the trigger in your plot, or mask it as backstory.

Mental disorders have a variety of causes. Why does your character have this disorder? Was her mom bipolar? Is it drug-induced psychosis? Did she have a traumatic experience as a child? Again, use science to inspire you.

OH FOR FUCK SAKE. I just CAN’T EVEN WITH THIS. It just KEEPS GETTING WORSE. Where’s my damn Xanax?

A crazy character’s Snap moment is probably the most fun thing to write. Like, ever. In the history of time.

*~*sigh*~*

Note that an insane character doesn’t have to be doomed.

This is totally true. Insanity can be cured by some vitamin injections. Even if the character has been diagnosed with a real mental illness by a psychiatrist and has prescription meds. No, really.

If you’re preparing to write an insane character, I do recommend you study the books and movies I reference.

*RAGEFACE*

Oh, wait – I hope *rageface* doesn’t mean I’ve lost my non-fictional marbles, or that I’m “one fry short of a Happy Meal.” If it’s only in lowercase, does it still count as insane, or just cranky? What’s the threshold here?

Insanity might seem synonymous with unpredictable, but it does have patterns and symptoms that we need to be mindful of. (pardon the pun?)

Ah, finally. But..this was in response to an actual logical response in the comments.

And what are the author’s credentials, you ask?

I don’t care if you didn’t ask. You should have. Because UGH.

Yes, I’m going there. I’m a bully. So sue me. Is that stupid STGRB site still around? If so, I’m on it.

Two (2) self-pubbed YA books. And that one university class. But she’s read The Shining and watched Fatal Attraction, so she’s got that going for her.

Yes, The Shining is the epitome of batshit crazysauce. I think Stephen King is a little crazypants himself, but in a good way. He gets a pass. You, dear author [collectively, not specific to anyone], are not, and never will be, Stephen King. You’re not even Tana French. Don’t even try to go there.

HOWEVER.  I can only hope this article compels other authors to read A Beautiful Mind or The Silver Linings Playbook. As in actually read them to find all the ways Sylvia Nasar and Matthew Quick treat their mentally ill characters as actual people and not !fun! and !easy! and !lazy! plot devices.

One fry short of a Happy Meal, indeed. To which I say: Bite. Me.