The Nut Cup: A Sports Mom’s Lament
Fourteen years ago, when my boy-type child was born, no one warned me about the The Nut Cup.
No one warned me about the agonies of location, retrieval, placement, extraction, transportation and storage of The Nut Cup.
No one told me that precious minutes – nay, hours – of my life would focus on the whereabouts and well-being of The Nut Cup.
To help prevent Nut Cup Angst as your boy-type child ages out of t-ball, below are basic facts you might find educational.
FACT: When one who requires The Nut Cup has placed The Nut Cup in optimal position, The Nut Cup must be rapped loudly three times to proclaim success.
FACT: The Nut Cup has no permanent habitat. It thrives in ecosystems like the bathroom counter, the floor of a car, the side pocket of a purse, or the inside of a sneaker.
FACT: Nut Cups can also be found on computer desks, holding empty cheese stick wrappers while waiting patiently for their turn to play Minecraft.
FACT: Some Nut Cups are tattooed with their owner’s initials in the event they wander off into Foreign Nut Cup Territory.
FACT: At some point in your Sports Parenting career, you will have a long discussion about The Differences Between Bras and Nut Cups (“like a bra but the WHOLE THING is underwire!”) This usually occurs in the car on the way to or from practice and may continue into the toothpaste aisle at Target.
Some role-playing scenarios for awkward situations:
Him: The package said “clean with warm soapy water.”
You: YOU DROPPED IT IN A PUDDLE IN THE DUGOUT THAT FUCKER IS GETTING BOILED IN BLEACH.
Him: WHY IS THE DOG PLAYING WITH MY NUT CUP?
A: She found it in the couch cushions and you know that’s finders keepers.
Him: WHAT IS THAT ON MY GRADUATION CAKE?
You: Your nut cup. Don’t worry, we’ll wash it with warm soapy water.