Before you ask “WHY???” (because I know that’s what you’re thinking), I put the full blame for this on Jennifer at Romance Novel News. I dared her to read something called Moosed-Up, so this was my self-inflicted penance.
- Title: Gnome on the Range
- Author(s): Jennifer Zane
- Series: Gnome Novel Series, Book 1
- Genre(s): Contemporary, Suspense (*eye-roll*)
- Publisher: Self-Published, December 2011
- Source: Amazon, free promo ($4.99 ebook)
- Length: 216 pages
- Trope(s): Firefighter, Military Man, Single Mother, Widow, Wacko In-Laws, Sex Toys, Small Town
- Quick blurb: Single mother and studly new neighbor join forces against evil villain.
- Quick review: If not for the noble firefighter neighbor, this book would have been completely OTT WTFery.
- Grade: D
For the next fifteen minutes, we went over fire inspection paperwork with an elephant in the room the shape of a dildo.
This wasn’t painful, but it wasn’t good. A nearly-TSTL heroine, her way-OTT mother-in-law, a completely transparent “suspense” plot, inane and irrelevant details about houses, horses, sex toys, street names, etc., etc.
And…the Evil Villain. Oy. Uff da.
Are you ready for this? Because this is where the gnomes come into play.
Are you SURE? All righty, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The Evil Villain is a ranch owner trying to retrieve stolen vials of valuable horse semen that were hidden in garden gnomes purchased by the heroine’s young sons at a yard sale.
But how does that make him villainous, you ask? It doesn’t.
He’s an evil villain because he’s — wait for it — a Pyscho Dom With Horse Tranquilizers.
I SHIT YOU NOT. On all counts.
While I was reading this, my kids decided to watch Gnomeo and Juliet on one of those mysterious cable movie channels I didn’t even know we had. It was actually tolerable because James McAvoy voiced the main character, and I could listen to him all day. Or night.
But then again, there was this: