If you’re an Eloisa James fangirl, walk backwards slowly with your eyes on the floor until you reach a safe zone. Then turn and run like hell, because this is going to be ugly. (See what I did there?)
- Title: The Ugly Duchess
- Author: Eloisa James
- Series: Fairy Tales, Book 4
- Genre(s): Historical (Regency)
- Publisher: Avon Books, August 2012
- Source: Provided by the publisher via Edelweiss ($6.99 ebook)
- Length: 384 pages
- Trope(s): Plain Jane, Big Misunderstanding, Friends-to-Lovers, Reunited, Pirates
- Quick blurb: “Hey, my wife of two days yelled at me because I married her for her money so I guess I’ll run away and become a pirate and shave my head and give myself a flowery facial tattoo and then show up out of the blue seven years later at the special session of Parliament called to declare me officially dead and then I’ll get all pissy when my bitter bride doesn’t immediately succumb to my piratical sexiness.”
- Quick review: Hated it. It was awful. Dreadful. Did I mention I HATED IT?
- Grade: F
In the weeks and years to come, when she looked back she identified that as the precise moment when her heart broke in two. The moment that separated Daisy from Theo, the time Before, from the time After.
In the time Before, she had faith. She had love.
In the time After…she had the truth.
What’s not to love about such lovely romantic angst like that, right? If only there was more of the angsty romance and a lot less piss-me-offery.
Theodora/Daisy is annoying, James/Jack is an idiot and the plot is all kinds of FUCKED UP. I don’t want to recap the whole mess of crap, so here’s what pissed me off the most:
After that the duke proceeded to demonstrate for his duchess almost all of the terms he knew for the sport of Venus. He was a pirate. He knew a lot.
THAT WAS THE HEA, FOR FUCK SAKE.
The happy ending was the “hero” showing off the boinking and boffing skillz he learned and earned while fucking prostitutes during his long absence at sea. I don’t consider that to be romantic AT ALL.
The opening scenes were promising — a plain but confident heroine and the childhood friend who realizes he loves her. But the Black Moment occurs way too early in the story, and then it was just more and more incarnations of “OH. FOR. FUCK. SAKE.”
An hour later, James had a shaved head and a small poppy tattooed beneath his right eye. He appropriated a name from Flibbery Jack, the pirate captain who would no longer be needing it, and gave it too himself.
Yes, FLIBBERY JACK. I mean, come on. Was that really necessary?
When Dread Pirate Emo Whiner made his Dramatic Reappearance precisely seven years later at the special session of Parliament just as he was about to be officially declared dead, I gave up and skimmed through to the repulsive conclusion and barf-worthy epilogue. Blech.
When her characters aren’t off randomly fucking around, Eloisa James is a really good writer. The quiet and introspective moments are lovely, her wit is wicked, and she’s brilliant at showing instead of telling.
James is not without a few quirks , though — she slathers on the similes and metaphors, but they’re just ordinary purplish prose, not full-on Simile Sex:
- …like tradesmen’s wives seeing the queen.
- …like a fox with a clutch of hen’s eggs.
- …like tepid milk at bedtime.
- …a tongue as sharp as a cracked mirror.
- …as convincing as Marie Antoinette pretending to be a shepherdess.
- …like a hollyhock that someone forgot to stake.
- …as if she were a dog in a fight.
- …like a drunken meringue.
- …as if minutes turned into drops of honey.
- …as tightly as puzzle pieces.
- …as tightly pressed together as ha’pennies in the church box.
- …like a marauding Visigoth.
And of course there’s the obligatory reference to a mythological goddess:
“Theo (the heroine) is like the huntress Diana…. Beautiful and yet slightly deadly, ready to whip out a bow and arrow, or turn a man into a squealing swine. Sensual, and yet with just a snowy touch of the virginal about her.”
I can easily ignore fluff like that, and I can even disregard the gratuitous inclusion of the Prince of Wales saying “what ho!” because no one calls him “Prinny.”
However, I most definitely cannot shrug off the casual acceptance and justification of infidelity.
I’m not new to this series – I really liked When Beauty Tamed the Beast, and I LOVED the novella Storming the Castle. In fact, I’ve read James’s entire backlist, which I attribute to Everyone Else Loves Her, I Must Be Missing Something Syndrome.
But I think I’m done with this author now. With very few exceptions, her books have left me with a vaguely squirmy feeling – a sort of lingering veneer of squickiness and disgust at her repeated reliance on no-consequences adultery as an amusing plot wrench. That’s a deal-breaker for me, and I just can’t give James another pass.