Totally Not Book-Related You’ve Been Warned

The Nut Cup: A Sports Mom’s Lament

Fourteen years ago, when my boy-type child was born, no one warned me about the The Nut Cup.

February 3, 2017 – outside the bathroom door

No one warned me about the agonies of location, retrieval, placement, extraction, transportation and storage of The Nut Cup.

No one told me that precious minutes – nay, hours – of my life would focus on the whereabouts and well-being of The Nut Cup.

To help prevent Nut Cup Angst as your boy-type child ages out of t-ball, below are basic facts you might find educational.

FACT: When one who requires The Nut Cup has placed The Nut Cup in optimal position, The Nut Cup must be rapped loudly three times to proclaim success.

FACT: The Nut Cup has no permanent habitat. It thrives in ecosystems like the bathroom counter, the floor of a car, the side pocket of a purse, or the inside of a sneaker.

FACT: Nut Cups can also be found on computer desks, holding empty cheese stick wrappers while waiting patiently for their turn to play Minecraft.

FACT: Some Nut Cups are tattooed with their owner’s initials in the event they wander off into Foreign Nut Cup Territory.

FACT: At some point in your Sports Parenting career, you will have a long discussion about The Differences Between Bras and Nut Cups (“like a bra but the WHOLE THING is underwire!”) This usually occurs in the car on the way to or from practice and may continue into the toothpaste aisle at Target.

May 18, 2017 – back of living room chair (protest sign courtesy of Thing1)

Some role-playing scenarios for awkward situations:

Him: The package said “clean with warm soapy water.”

You: YOU DROPPED IT IN A PUDDLE IN THE DUGOUT THAT FUCKER IS GETTING BOILED IN BLEACH.

Him: WHY IS THE DOG PLAYING WITH MY NUT CUP?

A: She found it in the couch cushions and you know that’s finders keepers.

Him: WHAT IS THAT ON MY GRADUATION CAKE?

You: Your nut cup. Don’t worry, we’ll wash it with warm soapy water.

THE END.

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Non-Fic Goodness: The Symphony for the City of the Dead by M.T. Anderson

  • symphonyTitle: Symphony for the City of the Dead: Dmitri Shostakovich and the Siege of Leningrad
  • Author:  M.T. Anderson
  • Published:  September 2015, Candlewick Press
  • Source: Library, Scribd
  • Format:  Print and audio (narrated by author)
  • Length: 456 pages (10:20 on audio)
  • Tropes: Music Nerdery, History Geekery, Russian Misery Porn
  • Quick blurb: Social, political and cultural history of Shostakovich’s Symphony No. 7
  • Quick review: All music and history lovers should read this book RIGHT NOW.
  • Grade: A

After reading The Bronze Horseman, I went on a Russian binge.  I wishlisted and bookmarked and downloaded anything and everything. I wound up glancing through most of it. Except this one.

I may or may not have GEEKED OUT when I saw it. I glommed the hardcover from the library, then immediately got the audio as well.

It’s a young adult title by the author of the Octavian Nothing series (which I didn’t realize until just now). It won boatloads of awards. It’s a magnificent mashup of social, cultural, military and political history, And biography. And musicology. And fantastically good story-telling.

I love it when people write books just for me.

Yes, it has all the Russian misery porn you’d expect from a history of Stalin’s terrors and the siege of Leningrad. But instead of a meandering melodrama, Anderson gives us context and empathy and humanity. The story builds through all the horrors and then we get the TOTAL DRAMA PERFORMANCE and we cry and feel all the weltschmerz lift away.

It’s art against evil. And art wins.

Dear god, this was sappy. Ignore all of that up there, Just read the damn book. No, wait — listen to Symphony No. 7 first, then read the book. Then read the book again while listening to the symphony.  Unless you’re a newbie to classical music, in which case you should read the book first. I am available via email or DMs for one-on-one suggestions/discussions.

The 2016 Year-End Page O’ Lists

In my usual slacker style, here’s my belated 2016 wrap-up. Nothing kicked off an emotional and obsessive spate of full-snark bitchery last year, so that change in meds must be working. There was that one (see below) but that was only one post that I throw at everyone who put it on their Best of 2016 list so it really doesn’t count.

Also a quick note: as usual, no LGBTQ titles because of the side job with Riptide, but I read a few absolute gems. Mostly from Riptide or Riptide authors, of course, because I’m completely spoiled and snobbish like that. Shoot me an email or DM if you need recs!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My absolute favorite reads of 2016:

I think the number one slot has to be a tie:

barry_earthbound  https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25814323-the-study-of-seduction

To quote myself on Earth Bound: 

I loved the others in the series, but this one KILLED ME DEAD <dead>. Good lord, this was utterly fan-freaking-tastic. Definitely one of my top reads this year, and it’s poking at my DIK shelf. I need a moment to recover just remembering that telephone call scene in the restaurant *swoon*.

To quote myself on The Study of Seduction:

a marriage of convenience between a grumpy hero who makes lists and a secretly-smart social butterfly, and adds in a truly creepy stalker who cooks up some creative blackmail over Deep Dark Secrets, and just put that crack in a bowl and give me a spoon, OK?

I can’t say more without spoilers, but Seduction was especially memorable because of the social butterfly heroine’s Deep Dark Secret, which made the consummation of the marriage…heart-wrenching.

Jeffries is a romance veteran who just keeps giving me everything I need in ways I never expected. Barry/Turner are relative rookies who keep giving me things I never knew I needed.

But WAIT.

It’s a three-way tie. Or would it be a five-way tie? Who the hell cares, because YOU NEED TO READ THESE TRUST ME:

Must Love Time Travel series by Angela Quarles, narrated by Mary Jane Wells

  

Breeches has Ada Lovelace as an important secondary character. Chainmail has a kick-ass heroine and a stunner of a climax (the story kind, not the other kind, you pervs). Kilts has a charmingly-dopey-but-secretly-complex-and-vulnerable hero. And the narration was perfection. READ THESE TRUST ME HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT. Continue reading

The 2016 Holiday Romance Wrap-Up

It’s still the holidays.

The must-reads:

parker_duesouth anthology_wish anthology_sprinkling adams_edenmanor warfield_dangerousnativity

Due South by Tamsen Parker – I think this might be the best office romance I’ve ever read.

Wish Upon a Snowflake by Christine Merrill, Linda Skye and Elizabeth Rolls – loved all three stories, this is a fabulous anthology that will be a re-read every year.

A Sprinkling of Christmas Magic by Elizabeth Rolls, Bronwyn Scott and Margaret McPhee – another practically perfect anthology with three very different, very entertaining stories.

Christmas at Eden Manor by Noelle Adams – I kind of wish Adams wasn’t so prolific, because I want to read everything and I can’t keep up. This is a lovely, just-angsty-enough age gap romance.

A Dangerous Nativity by Caroline Warfield – a completely charming lord-in-the-cute-village novella that is FREE FREE FREE (hint hint hint). I immediately bought more by Warfield (see below).

anthology_holly allen_countess anthology_onceuponaregencychristmas anthology_countrychristmas anthology_silverbelles

An Open Heart by Caroline Warfield (in Holly and Hopeful Hearts: A Bluestocking Belles Collection)– a Jewish couple at a country house party. It starts out like Carola Dunn’s Miss Jacobson’s Journey, but it goes in a different direction and ends up with a soul-satisfying HEA. I haven’t read the rest in this anthology, but this one story is so worth the NINETY-NINE (99) CENTS (hint).

His Christmas Countess by Louise Allen – I found this on Scribd and was a little wary of the blurb, but holy cow, this was fantastic. Caz at AAR did a great review. READ THIS TRUST ME. I immediately bought the rest of the series, which led to the nearly-epic WTFery of the earl who assigns himself an undercover spy job as a hermit on the heroine’s father’s estate. But we’ll discuss that one later because it needs our full attention.

Once Upon a Regency Christmas by Louise Allen, Sophia James and Annie Burrows – another great anthology from Harlequin. I am a complete sucker for these and they give me the happysighs nearly every time.

A Country Christmas by Josi Kilpack, Carla Kelly and Jennifer Moore – OH LOOK A CARLA KELLY HOLIDAY NOVELLA HERE JUST TAKE ALL MY MONEY.  Do I care that it’s another half-pay retired naval officer and another penniless widow? NO I DO NOT.

Silver Belles: An Over-40 Holiday Anthology by Sarah M. Anderson, Ros Clarke, Laura K. Curtis, Yasmine Galenorn and Suleikha Synder – I love it when authors write stories JUST FOR ME *hearteyes*.

quinlan_singlegirl robinson_unwrappingrancher kirst_sheriffschristmastwins

The Last Single Girl by Bria Quinlan – this a New Year’s Eve story and it’s adorable and you should read it right now trust me.

Unwrapping the Rancher’s Secret by Lauri Robinson – reunited by a blizzard? OKAY. And, oh look, he’s shirtless (see above).

The Sheriff’s Christmas Twins by Karen Kirst – ignore the dopey cover and see Miss Bates’ “real comfort” review.

The good:

  • Vicar’s Daughter by Betty Neels – DO NOT ASK how many Neels I bought after I read this.
  • Holiday with a Twist by Shannon Stacey
  • My Scandalous Duke by Theresa Romain
  • His Housekeeper’s Christmas Wish  by Louise Allen
  • A Midwinter’s Scandal by Erin Knightley
  • A Match Made in Mistletoe by Anna Campbell
  • We Need a Little Christmas by Sierra Donovan
  • A Regency Christmas Carol by Christine Merrill
  • Greetings of the Season  by Barbara Metzger
  • Father Christmas by Barbara Metzger

The take-them-or-leave-them:

  • The Cowbear’s Christmas Shotgun Wedding by Liv Brywood – not nearly the WTF factor I was hoping for.
  • A Christmas Dance by Alissa Johnson
  • A Countess for Christmas by Christy McKellen
  • Christmas at the Castle by Melissa McClone
  • A Convenient Christmas Wedding by Regina Scott
  • The Billionaire’s Christmas Proposal by Victoria James
  • Miss Mistletoe by Erin Knightley

The duds:

I DNF’d all of these. What the hell what I thinking with all these “princess” titles???

  • Let it Snow by Jeannette Grey
  • His Jingle Bell Princess by Barbara Dunlop
  • A Royal Christmas Princess by Scarlet Wilson
  • Once Upon a Royal Christmas – Robin Bielman
  • Lord Lansbury’s Christmas Wedding by Helen Dickson – I’m giving up on Dickson. Her stuff is dry.as.dust.

The as-yet-unfinished:

  • Christmas in America: Historical Romance Anthology by Holly Bush, Piper Huguley, Joanna Shupe and Donna Thorland – I’m savoring this slowly.

The I’ll-try-again-next-year:

  • Miracle on 5th Avenue by Sarah Morgan – I know, I know. I just wasn’t in the mood for a perky heroine when I tried it.

TBR Challenge: The Vicar’s Daughter by Betty Neels

  • neels_vicarsdaughterTitle:  The Vicar’s Daughter
  • Author: Betty Neels
  • Published: June 1997
  • Source: Purchased
  • Format: Ebook
  • Length: 218 pages
  • Tropes: Plain Jane, Enigmatic Doctor, Marriage of Convenience, Big Misunderstanding
  • Quick blurb: Plain-Jane vicar’s daughter and jet-set Dutch surgeon and that’s pretty much all you need to know.
  • Quick review: It was nice. Victoria Holt without the gothic weirdness. Like Xanax in a book.
  • Grade: B

“…I told George I didn’t want to marry him. He hadn’t exactly asked me, but I thought I’d tell him first and save him the trouble.”

He turned a laugh into a cough. “How very sensible of you. I must admit that I find it hard to imagine you as a farmer’s wife.”

“Well, I dare say you do. I expect you think of me as a vicar’s daughter.”

Margo is a plain-Jane small-town vicar’s daughter.  Gijs is a Dutch pediatric surgeon/professor. They meet-cute over a roadside childbirth (not hers, obvs) and then she saves a toddler from drowning and then her parents die and he offers a marriage of convenience and she goes shopping and tries to do a Big Makeover and there’s a Big Misunderstanding and she cries and he cries and then everyone is happy.

This was my first Betty Neels, part of last year’s Black Friday Harlequin Binge. I read it in one sitting, and then I said, “Well. That was…nice.”

That sounds snarky, but it’s really not. I swear.

While I was reading, I kept waiting for something to happen. And then I realized that stuff was happening. But it was so understated that I didn’t see that all those seemingly throw-away plot bits were actually really good character- and relationship-building.

So that “that was…nice” reaction was completely sincere. As someone said on Twitter, Neels Nice is like oatmeal. Warm and comforting with just a tiny dash of cinnamon or something, but goes down easy in the best way.

ALSO: One other thing that struck me was the timelessness of the setting – it obviously wasn’t modern, but it could have been anywhere from 1920s to 1980s. Add a bit of suspense — the hero might be already married! he might be doing experimental surgeries on babies without permission! he might have syphilis! — and you’d have a Victoria Holt gothic.

ALSO ALSO: There was a big ol’ bloodhound name Punch (see cheesy cover) and he saved the heroine from falling into a canal during a blizzard. I like dogs.

I will probably read more Betty Neels. They will probably be nearly the same as this one. I probably won’t care.

TBR Challenge: Guilty Pleasures by Laura Lee Guhrke

The November Challenge was historical romance. Well, if you insist…

  • Guilty Pleasures by Laura Lee GuhrkeTitle: Guilty Pleasures
  • Series: Guilty, Book 1
  • Author: Laura Lee Guhrke
  • Published: January 2004
  • Source: Purchased
  • Format: Ebook
  • Length: 388 pages
  • Tropes: Plain Jane, Bespectacled Bluestocking, Stuffy Duke, Deep Dark Secrets, Secret Longings
  • Quick blurb: Plain-Jane bluestocking finds her voice and stuffy duke loses his shit.
  • Quick review: Kelly’s Book Crack
  • Grade: A

Amazon informs me I purchased this on July 5, 2012. I waited four and a half years to read this book, and I could have been reading it EVERY MONTH for FIFTY-ONE AND A HALF MONTHS. Why do I do this to myself?

On the other hand, I bought High Energy by Dara Joy at the same time, and I have no regrets about leaving that unread.

I loved Daphne and Her Duke. And I say this as a cynical side-eyer of Dukes-A-Million historicals. Nearly everything about this book was perfect. I’m sure there was something iffy about it somewhere, but I’m too enamored right now to really care.

Daphne is our orphaned, plain-Jane, bespectacled bluestocking heroine. She’s working as an antiquities curator for a scholarly duke who’s excavating Roman ruins on one of his estates.

Anthony is our stuffy dukish hero who became dukish way too young and expects everyone to fall at his feet.

She’s had a secret crush on His Noble Shirtlessness (he lifts things, you know, with his muscles) and can do no more than stammer in his presence. But then she overhears him describing her as a stick insect, and her self-esteem mechanism finally kicks in. She cries it out, and then she gets mad.

You can hear the Kelly’s Book Crack Radar pinging from all the way over here, can’t you? IT JUST KEPT GETTING BETTER.

She decides to quit, he orders her to stay. She mouths off, he negotiates an extension. And he keeps negotiating. He starts paying attention to her to determine how he can get more work out of her.

“I am toying with you because this is a game. I will not let you win, but I can teach you how to play.”

Something in those words made her shiver with excitement. “I really do not know what you are talking about.”

“The real question is, what do you want? Do you want to be a proper young lady, or do you want to be Cleopatra?”

“Both.”

“Ah. That is an interesting answer, and brings with it an even more interesting question. Can a young lady be captivating and alluring, and still be proper, do you think?”

“Why not?”

“Why not, indeed.” His lashes lowered until his eyes were half-closed. “If I do give you back your spectacles, what do I receive in return?”

“The satisfaction of doing the right thing?”

He laughed low in his throat. “Not good enough.”

“What, then?” she asked. “What do you want?”

His gaze moved to her mouth, lingered there. “What are you offering?”

Daphne licked her lips, and she heard his sharp in-take of breath. “Three days,” she whispered. “You may have three more days.”

<swoon> *thud*

And OF COURSE they wind up having sex on the workroom table and breaking a priceless ancient vase and he insists they marry and she slams the door in his face and he woos her with flowers in front of all of London and then there’s this ending that’s all like OH DEAR GOD <swoon> *thud*.

I adored every minute of this book, and it took me hours to write this half-assed squeeing review because I had to sneak-read the whole damn thing again at the dayjob.

You should read this book. Trust me.

TBR Challenge: No Proper Lady by Isabel Cooper

This month’s theme was Paranormal or Romantic Suspense — my book was both!

  • No Proper Lady by Isabel CooperTitle: No Proper Lady
  • Series: Englefield, #1
  • Author: Isabel Cooper
  • Published:  2011
  • Source: Purchased
  • Format: Ebook
  • Length: 329 pages
  • Tropes:  Kick-Ass Heroine, Beta Hero, Villainous Villain, Impending Apocalypse, Demons & Other Icky Things
  • Quick blurb: Magical warrior from the future drops into Victorian England to stop an Evil Warlock from unleashing the Powers of Darkness.
  • Quick review: Suspenseful and fun, and it made me yearn for an audio version
  • Grade: B

“You’re in a hell of a lot of trouble here, Simon Grenville.”

This one wasn’t in my TBR for long — I purchased it in May when it was on sale for $1.99. A bunch of people on Twitter raved about it, and after I read Cooper’s story to the utterly glorious Gambled Away anthology, I knew I’d be in good hands for a temporary foray back into the paranormal world.

The blurb does a fantastic job of setting up the story:

When a half-naked woman suddenly appears on his country estate, Simon Grenville doesn’t have time to be shocked. Demonic beasts are hot on his heels until the beautiful stranger unsheathes several knives strapped to her skin-tight trousers and kills them.

Our heroine Joan is a kick-ass warrior from the future, on a mission to save mankind from evil and bad guys and slobbering hellhounds and whatnot.

“…she’s quite…rugged.”

Simon was the bad guy’s best friend until the whole badness stuff got out of hand. Simon blames himself for everything because he introduced Tom Riddle to magic when they were obnoxious teenagers.

Simon and Joan compare weapons both metal and magical, and decide she needs to stay in England and cuddle up to the bad guy so Simon can destroy the Secret Book of Secrets his ex-bestie stole from this other baddish-but-not-nearly-as-bad guy.

This is a book about magic. So of course I had to match up everything with Harry Potter for it to make sense in my brain. Simon is obviously brooding reluctant hero Harry. Joan is Hermione with tattoos and poison darts in her underwear. Simon’s de-demonized little sister is Ginny. The Big Book of Scary Stuff is a horcrux.

Got it? OK.

In the midst of all of this, Joan gets a  makeover into a Prim and Proper Victorian Miss and it goes about as well as you’d expect, what with the full-body scars and the flashgun attached to her boobs and all (I still have no figure out that one and it makes my cleavage hurt every time I think about it). She shows tremendous bravery when cozying with the bad guy to divert his attention from Simon.

“You kiss,” said Joan, “like a goddamn squid.”

Simon, meanwhile, gathers evidence and visits an old professor (Slughorn) and nearly gets his magical aura flayed off by a Slobbering Hellhound of Exceptional Smelliness and he gets splinched during an escape but his little sister saves him with a blood sacrifice.

There’s a big showdown with ricocheting spells and exploding fireplaces and the bad guy shriveling up like Gollum (yes, I’m mixing my Movie Metaphors, shut up about it) and an HEA. There are some lovely moments of angst and reconciliation between Simon and his little sister, and the sexy times built from insta-lust into a great working relationship and romance,

There’s also some fantastic moments of wonder and yearning from Joan of Dystopia as she tries to process a world with sunlight and clean handkerchiefs and the color green.

This was a world in the summer of its time, and the people here moved and talked liked leaves on the wind.

But don’t worry – there’s plenty of snark, too:

“And how do you see the universe, Miss MacArthur?”

Like an outhouse the morning after a hard party, Joan thought at first.

No Proper Lady was pretty damn good. But I think I would have liked it better as an audiobook — with the playback speed bumped up to about 1.25x. A strong but familiar narrator like Kate Reading or Kristen Potter would have forced me to stay in the story more, instead of allowing my brain to wander off in search of HP spells. When the world-building gets otherworldly, I need an anchor.

If you’re a regular PNR reader, this is a must-read. If you’re not, read it anyway and tell me what Harry Potter match-ups I missed.