- Title: The Spy Who Saved Christmas
- Author: Dana Marton
- Series/Category: Intrigue
- Genre(s): Contemporary, Suspense
- Publisher: Harlequin, October 2010
- Source: Amazon, $3.82
- Length: 219 pages
- Trope(s): Virgin Heroine, Angsty Spy, Plot Moppets (x2), Secret Baby (x2), AWOL Underwear, Unauthorized Use of Prep Table
- Quick blurb: Lady Butcher has Secret Babies with Fake-Dead Biker Baker Black Ops Guy. Also, it’s Christmas.
- Quick review: A quick and goofy holiday read, but not quite as much gleeful fun as Black Sheep Sheik.
- Grade: B
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Spy Who Saved Christmas, chapter 1 – heroine has already kneed hero in the nads and head-butted him. Bring it ON. -
@kelly_instalove Oh this one sounds right up my alley. -
@The_Book_Slayer it’s a Harlequin Intrigue by Dana Marton
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@kelly_instalove hmmm. I am going to check it out.
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Spy Who Saved Xmas, ch 2: “What was it with them and food preparation surfaces?”
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“Is that why, instead of staying at a safe house…you insisted on coming with me to steal a deadly virus from a bunch of terrorists?”
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“Tonight. Five minutes to midnight. Down by the river at the foot of the old railroad bridge.” !!! (hold me)
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“She looked like she was trying to decide whether to cry or strangle him. Since she wasn’t the weepy kind, things didn’t look good for him.”
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“…not only would she have been happy to see his ten-point buck, she would have gutted, skinned and chopped it all up for him. (1/2)
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(2/2) “She was a helluva woman by his standards.” [Heroine is a 6-ft-tall butcher, in case you were wondering]
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@kelly_instalove That sounds rather awesome. -
Hero is Biker Black Ops kind of guy who also bakes. His crusty roll recipe is coveted, especially since his fake death in bakery fire.
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@kelly_instalove A black ops biker with a heart of pastry dough. -
@Fibrobabe I’m kind of disappointed he doesn’t call heroine “sugar”
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@kelly_instalove “My little beignet.”
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@Fibrobabe they’re in Pennsylvania, so maybe “my sweet funnel cake” instead
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@kelly_instalove If it’s a Christmas story, “my fruity Weihnachtsstollen.”
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@Fibrobabe I hope they’re not Swedish, because lutefisk and lefse would ruin the mood.
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@kelly_instalove I’m not sure how I’d feel about being called a “darling rugelach” if he’s Jewish.
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She: “You can’t have bad aim and wield a cleaver for a living.” He: “Hand-eye coordination is a beautiful thing.”
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WARNING: Random and gratuitous inclusion of Fake SyFy monsters ahead!
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Sacrifices must be made #roaring #screaming #sandshark http://pic.twitter.com/kfW161GX -
@oddmonstr I’m feeling the need to do a Storify mashup of my book snark and your movie pics
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@kelly_instalove I think that would rock! Do you need more sand sharks? Because there’s like 4 now and they’re chasing Brooke Hogan -
Best. Movie. Ever. #uhoh http://pic.twitter.com/mMpYsJC3 -
Oh, sorry…. Where were we?
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He: “To get those boys back, you would have teamed up with the devil.” She: “Maybe I did.” (Boys = Secret Babies) (Twins, of course. Duh.)
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@kelly_instalove secret twins she didn’t know she had?
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@ann_somerville shush, you’re going to ruin the epilogue.
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Lady Butcher is OK with blood and innards, but scared of bugs. Especially spiders in outhouses.
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@kelly_instalove ah, so female stereotyping not entirely absent, even if ridiculous
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@kelly_instalove This book sounds kind of cool. -
@kelly_instalove Men are from Mars women are from Venus amirite @ann_somerville
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@ann_somerville Hero’s partner’s girlfriend wants their next deer hunting trip to be catch-and-release
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“It was like walking into a fantasy. A centerfold operating heavy machinery.” (Hero recalling Lady Butcher using industrial meat grinder)
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He: “I always thought you looked not in a hairnet.” She: “You were probably distracted by all the machinery I was operating.”
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@kelly_instalove has this author ever been in a butcher’s shop? smell of raw meat is not enticing
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Crap, that last one should have been HOT in a hairnet. Also, auto-correct options for “hairnet” are quite entertaining.
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Autocorrect options for “hairnet” include “garnet” and “bairns”
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“Hot in a Hairnet” would be a fantastic book title. Someone should write that.
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@kelly_instalove sequels. ‘Warm in a Wig’. ‘Snug in a Snood’. ‘Bootilicious in a booblehat’
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@ann_somerville “Snug in a snood” made my lady parts squirmy, and not in a good way.
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@ann_somerville yeah, like a bedazzled hairnet. But I think it was the “snug” part that got me o.0
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@ann_somerville you have NO idea….
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@ann_somerville @kelly_instalove Turgid in a Trilby. Funky in a Fez. Beloved in a Beanie. -
@sean__kennedy The fez thing is way too Doctor Who *shudder* and I must admit I had to look up trilby *shameface* @ann_somerville
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“The next thing he knew, her bra was AWOL.” (His hands are on a humanitarian mission.)
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@kelly_instalove hope it didn’t end up in the meat grinder!
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@kelly_instalove now I’m tempted to break my rule and read a Christmas story. -
We now interrupt this live-tweet for some much-needed sleep….
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Live-tweeting of “The Spy Who Saved Christmas” will resume shortly. I know you’re all anxious about the Rendezvous at the Railroad Bridge.
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@kelly_instalove Bummer. I’ve missed it so far.
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@JenniferRNN I’ll be Storifying. Hero is a Biker Baker Black Ops kind of spy. Heroine is a 6-ft-tall butcher. Yes, really.
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@kelly_instalove A biker baker black ops dude??? This sounds awesomely cracktastic.
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@JenniferRNN The last discussion before I went to bed was alternate titles for “Hot in a Hairnet.”
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@kelly_instalove I’m bummed that I missed it.
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@JenniferRNN It was 2 a.m., so “discussion” wasn’t exactly high-brow. And then @oddmonstr kept throwing in SyFy “Sand Shark” pics.
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@kelly_instalove Aahh. Too late for me.
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.@kelly_instalove did someone say… #SANDSHARK? #uhoh http://pic.twitter.com/mCNHVEWb -
Live-tweeting of “The Spy Who Saved Christmas” is about to resume – for realz this time. I actually had to *work* at the day job today
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Chapter 8 – let’s just say the Rendezvous at the Railroad Bridge did not go well. Mostly because the heroine can’t follow directions.
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“They probably weren’t used to people begging to be kidnapped…. This was why you didn’t bring a civilian to a hostage exchange, dammit.”
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“He was pretty cool during missions. Someone had once compared him to the iceberg that sank the Titanic.”
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“She was a woman, falling in love with the man who was the father of her children.” Also, she’s a Cleaver-Wielding 6-Ft-Tall Lady Butcher.
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Hero’s newly-married ex-partner: “So anyway, I told her about the twins. And you know how pregnant women are. *OUCH!*.”
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“Look, you obviously don’t know anything about intelligence work, lady. It’s an X-K-Red-27 technique.”
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“..I know perfectly well that you don’t keep the general public informed when you are “debriefing KGB defectors in a safe house.”
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@kelly_instalove I am so going to have to read this. I can see it in my future.
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@JenniferRNN Hee – those last two were from A Fish Called Wanda
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@kelly_instalove Okay, that makes things a little less odd.
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I’m throwing in marginally relevant movie quotes to liven things up on the long drive to Slaughterhouse Road for the Secret Baby Swap.
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@kelly_instalove your description of the ransom gone wrong reminds me of the one in The Big Lebowski where Walter jumps out of the car -
@ann_somerville No, but a slaughterhouse is a vertiable treasure trove of weapons for a Lady Butcher who lost her gun.
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Success! “We kicked terrorist butt, didn’t we?”
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Biker Baker Baby Daddy can tell twins apart after spending 15 minutes of quality time with them in the back of an ambulance.
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@kelly_instalove It is the baker in him. Bakers are very talented.
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@kelly_instalove of *course* he can. Because he used a marker pen to put a sekrit symbol on one of their ears
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@JenniferRNN I’m waiting for the scene where he hides his coveted Crusty Roll Recipe inside a diaper @ann_somerville
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Whoops – AWOL underwear again.
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“Our second time and you’re already bringing up variety? A lesser man could develop a complex.” (1st time was baby making in the bakery)
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@kelly_instalove how did they get from 1st time to twins? -
“Because the first time, on a flour-dusted table, I didn’t know you were a virgin.”
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@kelly_instalove oh, so it was a virgin birth too?
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@GrowlyCub 1st time was deflowering on flour-dusted table in bakery. 2nd time 2 years later. In between, he fake-died in bakery fire.
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Nookie Night in a cheap motel is apparently really good therapy for recently wounded hips and shoulders.
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“The twins were quiet, happy as clams, thanks to their complimentary candy canes.”
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@kelly_instalove What?! Aren’t they under 2? Choking hazard!
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“…narrow lips tilted up in an evil smile. Every instinct she had told her that he wasn’t here to do his last-minute Christmas shopping.”
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“The way he scurried forward reminded her of a rat running from a sinking ship. Which gave her a really, really bad feeling.”
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Chasing a bad guy through a crowded mall is difficult, but even more so when you’re pushing a double-wide baby stroller.
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FBI Suit: “You’re here to provide intelligence only… There’ll be no rogue missions here.” Pfffft. AS. IF. It’s a Harlequin Intrigue.
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@kelly_instalove lol. Who doesn’t love a man in a suit with the added bonus of a badge & gun?!
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“Extra attention from a deranged terrorist was the last thing she wanted. Not unless they were one-on-one and she had a cleaver handy.”
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“And she was willing to bet a year’s supply of filet mignon….” I personally would only bet six month’s worth of pork chops.
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@kelly_instalove I’m in for three days worth of potato salad.
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“Blue wire or red wire?” If this was a Bond movie, Q would saunter over and calmly flip the power switch to off.
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“The perfect time for swearing his heart out, but he was a father now and just yesterday he had promised himself to let go of that habit.”
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This next one is goood – trust me….
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“‘Fudge cookies,’ he said instead, with feeling. Then cringed. If his SDDU buddies could hear him now…” THIS is why I love @danamarton.
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““I’ll go home with you for a while. The bread needs time to rise.’ Something between them clearly didn’t.”
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He: “We should visit our old friend the dough-kneading table.” She: “The last time you said that, you got me pregnant. Again.”
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@kelly_instalove This conversation sounds like one I have had with my husband. 0.0 *snickers*
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“She had her own life, her own challenges, her own wonderful family. Her very own spymaster who was about to save Christmas. Again.”
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@kelly_instalove Why don’t I have my very own spymaster to save Christmas again? I’ve always had to share my spymasters. -
@ros_clarke You need to move to Hopeville, Pennsylvania. The spies have taken over an entire strip mall.
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Best epilogue EVER:
“Due to the economy, a lot of stores had gone out of business in the small strip mall. And every time one did, the top-secret unit Reid worked for bought the place. They put a man behind the counter as a front. Business continued as usual. But in the sizable attic that stretched above the row of stores, a super high-tech mission center had been sneakily built. Reid had found a way to do his job and still keep them safe. The strip mall’s security—although invisible to the untrained eye—rivaled that of the White House. And since Reid was the coordinator, he rarely left on missions; he arranged for background support when needed, utilizing his considerable knowledge of the field. Oddly, business also began doing better than ever before. The strip mall was gaining steadily in popularity, especially with the ladies. The men on Reid’s team, handsome hunks to the last, didn’t escape notice.”
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The End. Happy Holidays! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?
