Tag Archives: reunited

One-Quote Review Tripleheader: Regency Novellas

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The all-blue cover thing is just a coincidence, I swear.

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The Perks of Being a Beauty by Manda Collins

  • The Perks of Being a Beauty by Manda CollinsTitle: The Perks of Being a Beauty
  • Author: Manda Collins
  • Series: Ugly Ducklings, Book 3.5
  • Genre(s): Historical (Regency)
  • Publisher: St. Martin’s, June 2013
  • Source: NetGalley
  • Length: 125 pages
  • Trope(s): Reformed Mean Girl, Reunited, Social-Climbing Employer, House Party Nookie
  • Quick blurb: Penniless former debutante is unexpectedly reunited with the man she rejected years before.
  • Quick review: Intriguing enough to add a few of Collins’ previous books to my library wishlist.
  • Grade: B-

Then, as if he’d been dying to do this very thing from the beginning, he kissed her.

I didn’t realize before reading that this novella is a bridge between author’s previous series and upcoming series. We get only a few brief mentions of Amelia’s former bullying ways and an apparently infamous public outburst, and those glimpses aren’t quite enough to make an unfamiliar reader appreciate her atonement and redemption. But I loved the chemistry and enjoyed Collins’ voice enough to seek out her previous and upcoming titles.

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Miss Watson’s First Scandal by Heather Boyd

  • Miss Watson's First ScandalTitle: Miss Watson’s First Scandal
  • Author: Heather Boyd
  • Series: Miss Mayhem, Book 1
  • Genre(s): Historical (Regency)
  • Publisher: LLD Press, July 2013
  • Source: NetGalley
  • Length: 99 pages
  • Trope(s): Workaholic on Vacation, Childhood Acquaintance All Growed Up and Sexy, Pain in the Ass Best Friend, Sequel Bait, Naked Swimming
  • Quick blurb: Banker must serve foreclosure papers on his best friend, but gets distracted by the deadbeat’s surprisingly grown-up younger sister.
  • Quick review: A good premise that deserves more pages.
  • Grade: C+

“It’s not enough,” she whispered unsteadily. “It couldn’t possibly be.”

I’ve enjoyed several historical novellas by Boyd, and based on those works, Iwas expecting the titular scandal of this story to be a bit more erotic. It’s a nice bit of Regency fluff, but I’m hoping Boyd’s upcoming trilogy will have more bite and substance. The plus on the letter grade is for the puppy.

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A Scandalous Plan by Donna Lea Simpson

  • A Scandalous Plan by Donna Lea SimpsonTitle: A Scandalous Plan
  • Author: Donna Lee Simpson
  • Series: N/A
  • Genre(s): Historical (Regency)
  • Publisher: Beyond the Page Publishing, May 2013 (re-release; first published 2003)
  • Source: NetGalley
  • Length: 99 pages
  • Trope(s): Bored Spinster, Grumpy Widower, Plot Moppets, Disability, Gossiping Villagers
  • Quick blurb: A widower is steamrolled by a local do-gooder who insists on making superstitious villagers accept his autistic child.
  • Quick review: Not painful, but probably not worth a re-release.
  • Grade: C-

It was time to disturb the surface and see what happened.

Another bit of Regency fluff, but this heroine verges on being annoying. She’s a more obnoxious version of Jane Austen’s Emma who blunders about with endearing plot moppets instead of matchmaking schemes. I got the feeling the mystified hero married her just to shut her up.

The Last Gladiatrix by Eva Scott

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The Last Gladiatrix by Eva Scott

  • Title: The Last Gladiatrix
  • Author: Eva Scott
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: Escape Publishing (Harlequin Australia), April 2013
  • Source: NetGalley
  • Length: 77 pages (or maybe 109? it’s a novella anyway)
  • Trope(s): Kidnapped Warrior Woman, Studly Centurion, All the Usual Stock Roman Characters, Insta-Lust, Insta-Love
  • Quick blurb: Soldier offers to train a comely captive as a gladiatrix to save her from the shame of becoming a courtesan.
  • Quick review: Cheese-fest from beginning to end, with a major “Oh, FFS!” moment that killed the entire book.
  • Grade: F

The skin at the back of her neck prickled, as if in warning.

Yeah, that quote in the third paragraph should have been my warning of !!!Cliches & Caricatures Ahead!!! But I kept reading because it’s just a novella, how bad could it be? My status updates (below) sum up how bad it got.

I finished it (because I have enough fortitude to finish a damn novella, dammit), but even before the end of the first chapter, a bit of throw-away characterization made me lose all respect for the story and the author. This is our introduction to the general’s villainous aide-de-camp:

Maximus was slender and fine-boned, like a woman. He also possessed a woman’s love of gossip and — if rumours were true  a woman’s love of men. Yet Maximus did not like him, and Titus was happy to return the sentiment.

WHY was this included? It was completely pointless, because this temporary villain appears in only two additional (and very short) scenes. I’m guessing it was an attempt to make the FLAMING EVIL HOMO a glaring opposite of our MANLY AND OBVIOUSLY VERY HETERO AND MASCULINE AND DID WE MENTION MANLY? HERO, because, you know, how else would we grasp the immensity of his heroically heterosexual manliness? But at least the Flaming Evil Homo doesn’t have the hots for our Hero of Heterosexual Masculinity, because that would just be gross.

Badly done, Escape Publishing (an imprint of Harlequin Entrprises Australia). Badly done indeed.

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Read With Me Vicariously: Status Updates

  • 18% – Cliche + cariacature + insta-lust while chained = I’m not sure if I can finish this…
  • 20% – Loins are heating and unnamed forces are compelling…
  • 23% – Dream sex. On a bed of soft golden cloud. Fever pitch, waves of sensation, pinnacle of desire, etc.
  • 36% – Primeval masculinity, primordial drums, molten ecstasy and synchronized heartbeats.
  • 46% – It’s a trap!
  • 69% – An “oh, BARF” moment in the middle of the freaking arena. Sheesh.
  • 82% – Uh-oh, hero is summoned by the Senator’s wife. I wonder what she wants… *wink wink*
  • 82% – “In his experience women, especially high-born Roman woman, were dangerous – more dangerous than a host of Huns.”
  • 86% – Senator’s sexy wife is reclining on a bed eating grapes. I shit you not.
  • 100% – Plundering lips. The end.

One-Quote Review: The Seduction Hypothesis by Delphine Dryden

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The Seduction Hypothesis by Delphine Dryden

  • Title: The Seduction Hypothesis
  • Series: The Science of Temptation, Book 2
  • Author: Delphine Dryden
  • Genre(s): Contemporary, Erotica
  • Publisher: Carina Press, May 2013
  • Source: NetGalley
  • Length: 97 pages
  • Trope(s): Nerds/Geeks, BDSM, Big Misunderstandings
  • Quick blurb: A group outing to a fan convention allows a former couple to reignite their relationship — with the help of a few costumes and props.
  • Quick review: Despite their frustrating Little Big Misunderstandings, it’s a helluva of a lot of fun to read about kinky nerds who can laugh in the bedroom.
  • Grade: B+

Oh God, the eyebrow thing again.

I adore love stories about geeks, and even more so when both main characters are equally smart and nerdy. Lindsey and Ben’s lack of communication was annoying, but believable and necessary to the story, and Dryden makes the most of it in rebuilding their faltering relationship into a funny and wickedly sexy kinkfest.

As with the first entry in the series, the only thing keeping this story from an A grade was the heroine — Lindsey comes across a little too self-righteous for much of the story, blaming Ben’s confusion rather than her own for their estrangement, and I had a little trouble accepting her insistence on being in the lifestyle for life after only one awkward sample.

A plea for a third in the series:  Ms. Dryden, write us female dom/male sub story — pretty please??? *bats eyelashes*

Backlist Binge: Sophia James

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This took me longer than I thought, because I wound up doing a full re-read of one, and I had to buy and read the newest because it finished off a series.

So… Here are the highs and lows of Harlequin Historical author Sophia James, presented in chronological order (minus the anthologies). Cover images link to Goodreads.

In summary: James is on the dark and angsty edge of Harlequin Historicals — her characters are complex and conflicted, and when she stays away from rakes and pirates, her storytelling skills are memorable. But it’s hit or miss whether all the pieces and parts coalesce enough to suck me into a full-on book trance.

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Fallen Angel by Sophia JamesFallen Angel (2005)

“He’s the problem, don’t you see? I can’t love him and I can’t not love him, and he won’t let me stand up any place in between.”

The happy couple….

Nicholas Pencarrow is the Duke of Westbourne. Brenna Stanhope is the mysterious young woman who saves his life and then disappears.

The set-up….

The duke relentlessly tracks down his rescuer, and when he finds her managing a London orphanage, he refuses to take no for an answer.

The conflicts….

Brenna has a Tragic Past. The duke won’t take no for an answer.

The romance….

During the first two-thirds of the book, Nicholas is a typical infatuated rake, and Brenna falls for his charms. But then for some unknown reason, he crosses the line into stalking and obsession.

The recommendation….

The hero veering off into alphahole territory derailed what could have been a really good debut.

Grade: C-

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Masquerading Mistress by Sophia JamesMasquerading Mistress (2007)

One night. All night. The clouds and the moon and the darkness rolled into one and the clenching want made her shake, made her sweat, made her say his name in the wildness of passion.

The happy couple….

Thornton Lindsay is a scarred, reclusive war hero – and also a Reluctant Duke. Caroline Anstretton is a desperate runaway who tells a London ballroom that the duke is her lover.

The set-up….

When the duke hears of Caroline’s outrageous claim, he propositions her, and naturally she accepts, gets pregnant and runs away again.

The conflicts….

Caroline has a Tragic Past, and she’s also trying to keep her younger brother away from the gaming hells. The duke is a grumpy loner who’s mistrustful of everyone.

The romance….

There’s chemistry, but unfortunately our happy couple is separated for much of the book – and when they’re finally reunited, some rather strange war-related intrigue gets the duke all mistrustful again. Fortunately, the Revealing of the Tragic Past works its usual wonders and all is forgiven.

The recommendation….

Better pacing and characterization than Fallen Angel, but the unnecessary suspense stuff relies on more than a few Very Convenient Coincidences.

Grade: C+

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Ashblane's Lady by Sophia JamesAshblane’s Lady (2007)

He was not gentle and she was glad. His lips met hers in a searing, blistering explosion of lust, weeks of wanting sandwiched between this very moment and a future stretching only into difficulty.

The happy couple….

Alexander Ullyot is a Scottish warlord. Lady Madeleine, aka The Black Widow, is his enemy’s sister.

The set-up….

He takes her hostage. She’s tall and has fiery red hair. You do the math.

The conflicts….

See “set-up” above.

The romance….

It’s all about the fiery red hair. And the witchcraft thing.

The recommendation….

Despite the snarkage, this isn’t bad — just an enjoyable Highland romance with a bit of light magic thrown in.

Grade: B-

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High Seas to High Society by Sophia JamesHigh Seas to High Society (2007)

The Wellinghams, Book 1

She was cold and he warmed her. She was hot and he cooled her. He was of her and she was of him and there seemed no place that they were separate or solitary in the heady secrets of the flesh.

The happy couple….

Asher Wellingham is the Duke of Carisbrook. Emma Seaton is a lady — or is she???

The set-up….

He sees her swimming naked in a cove. You do the math.

The conflicts….

Pirates.

The romance….

In between all the piratical plot shenanigans, there’s some pretty good chemistry.

The recommendation….

Kind of all over the place story-wise, but I re-read it solely for the backstory of the duke’s younger brother Taris (see below).

Grade: B-

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Mistletoe Magic by Sophia JamesMistletoe Magic (2009)

A maid came in with a large unruly bunch of orange flowers and her breath was caught. ‘Is there a card?’

‘Indeed, miss, there is.’ The maid broke the envelope away from a string that kept it joined to the bouquet, speculation unhidden in the lines of her face.

‘That will be all, thank you,’ Lillian said, waiting until the door was shut before she slit open the card.

I FELT SOMETHING.

The words were in bold capitals with no name attached.

The happy couple….

Lucas Clairmont is a brawny and brawly American in London. Lillian Davenport is a near-spinster revered by the ton as “a paragon of good sense, good taste and good comportment.”

The set-up….

Lillian has a Christmas deadline to bring a man up to scratch, or she will be forced to marry the “eminently sensible, infinitely suitable,” suitor her father has chosen. Just as she’s losing hope, she overhears Lucas threaten to kill her cousin — but before she can sneak away, he makes eye contact and gives her a “licentious and untrammelled” wink.

The conflicts….

Lucas is in England to settle the affairs of his adulterous late wife, and he learns that two nieces he’s never met are now his wards. Lillian’s father is pushing her towards a “safe” husband because his own marriage was volatile and unhappy.

The romance….

The orange flowers. Ohhhhhhh, the orange flowers.

The recommendation….

Yeah, I FELT SOMETHING too. *ahem*

Grade: B+

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The Border Lord by Sophia JamesThe Border Lord (2009)

They did not speak afterwards, each locked in a silence that was their own, a thin and tenuous bond against the secrets that would divide them.

The happy couple….

Lady Grace Stanton is a political prize, but she’s less than a beauty. Lachlan Kerr is the reluctant laird of a neighboring clan.

The set-up….

Arriving a week late for the ceremony, Lachlan takes his late brother’s place as groom within an hour of meeting his plain, stammering bride.

The conflicts….

Lachlan is still bitter and deeply distrustful over the betrayals of his late wife and his late brother, and his pride flares against Grace’s unexpected stubbornness, outspokenness and sense of honor. Meanwhile, he ignores the machinations of his jealous ex-mistress, who turns the clan against the new lady of the manor by blaming Grace for every illness, injury and accident. Also, the dead brother might not be dead.

The romance….

They’re great together in the bedroom, but out in the cold, hard keep, it’s a slow buildup from resentment to grudging respect to fierce loyalty to love.

NOTE: There is a brief bit of infidelity, but nothing comes of it (heh).

The recommendation….

It’s a bit heavy with the political and family intrigue, but it’s satisfying to watch Grace become a strong and vibrant heroine.

Grade: B

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One Unashamed Night by Sophia JamesOne Unashamed Night (2010)

The Wellinghams, Book 2

When he stretched out and groaned she felt the control of a woman with power. Feminine power, the feeling unlike any she had ever experienced.

She did not feel guilty as Frankwell had said that she must, she did not feel sullied or soiled or befouled. Nay, she felt the sheer and utter wonder of it, the bewildering rarity of rightness.

Here. With Taris Wellingham. For this one storm-snowed freezing night.

‘Thank you.’ The words slipped out without recognition as to what she had said. A beholden contentment that broke through all that she had believed of herself or all that a husband steeped in damning religion had believed. In just one touch Frankwell’s hold on the tenure of her moral pureness was gone, replaced simply by comprehension and relief.

She smiled as his fingers began to unlace her bodice and the thin lawn fell away.

The happy couple….

Taris Wellingham, once popular and outgoing, is now a virtual recluse because of his worsening blindness. Newly-widowed Beatrice-Maude Bassingstoke is moving to London to explore her hard-won independence.

The set-up….

When the public coach they’re traveling in crashes into a ditch during a blizzard, Taris and Bea wind up spending the night together (wink, wink) in a barn.

The conflicts….

Beatrice-Maude is not a beauty, and she’s recovering from the horrors of an abusive marriage. Taris is a bit touchy about his blindness – to the point of preferring that people believe he’s a stumbling drunk.

The romance….

Their titular one-night stand in the barn is soooo good, and their relationship evolves to the much-deserved happy ending in a believable and completely swoon-worthy way.

The recommendation….

Oh lordy, I love this book.

Grade: A

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One Illicit Night by Sophia JamesOne Illicit Night (2011)

The Wellinghams, Book 3

Watching a dam break in the circle of flesh, tipping into utter need, his grip tightening in her hair as an anchor, no breath or ease or quiet exploration. Only five years of apartness and ten thousand hours of regret.

The happy couple….

Third son Cristo Wellingham is the black sheep of the family, finally returning to England after a lengthy, mysterious absence. Eleanor Westbury is the young countess of a much older earl.

The set-up….

Five years before the main action, a disguised-as-a-prostitute Eleanor attempts to deliver an all-important letter to a disguised-as-a-degenerate-but-really-a-spy Christo in the Chateau of Ill Repute where he lives, but she wakes up drugged and naked in his bed.

The conflicts….

He fled England because of some youthful wildness, and when he returns, he has to earn the trust of his estranged family. She winds up pregnant from their one-night stand and is desperate to protect their daughter and her dying husband from scandal.

The romance….

The initial not-meet-cute is more than a bit squicky, but when they’re reunited in London five years later, their attraction is palpable and affecting because they’re both too honorable to betray her kindly, protective husband.

The recommendation….

I had to do a full re-read because I couldn’t recall anything beyond the titular encounter, and it wasn’t very satisfying. This story has some serious pacing problems, with a Total Drama Moment happening much too early and resolving much too quickly. Even worse, the all-important letter that Eleanor risks her life to deliver in the proloque — involving the death of her brother at Christo’s hands — is a huge, gaping plot hole that is never addressed again.

Grade: C-

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The Dissolute Duke by Sophia JamesThe Dissolute Duke (2013)

The Wellinghams, Book 4

Lust ignited, an incendiary living torch of need burning bright, like the wick of gunpowder snaking down through his being. Unstoppable.

The happy couple….

Youngest sibling Lady Lucinda Wellingham is a careless flirt who relies on her three older brothers to rescue her from various “scrapes.” Taylen Ellesmere is an Impoverished Duke of Ill Repute with “numerous and shocking depravities” to his name.

The set-up….

Lucinda gets talked into crashing one of Ellesmere’s notorious house parties, and attempts to hide in his bedroom to escape a drunken horde. The duke, wearing nothing but spectacles, decides she’s more fun than reading Machiavelli while his houseguests debauch themselves.

The conflicts….

After a near-fatal carriage accident, amnesiac Lucinda accuses Ellesmere of ruining her. The duke gets the crap beaten out of him by her brothers, takes their bribe to marry her and then flees to America. He returns three years later to claim his bride and sire an heir, and she’s more than a little reluctant to acquiesce.

The romance….

He’s blinded by her sensuous innocence, her lady parts tingle when they touch, blah, blah, blah.

The recommendation….

Again, some serious pacing problems. But even worse, there is nothing new or different about this “ruined by a rake” story. It’s a boring, predictable Regency that only perpetuates the “historicals are dead” genre drama.

Grade: D+

One-Quote Reviews: Strangers on a Train

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I’d go with an “All Aboard!” intro, but that would be too cheesy even for me. Beware of CAPSLOCK OF RAGE and FANGIRL SQUEE (not in the same story, thank god.)

<whining>

Before we get to the good stuff, a brief plea to Samhain Publishing: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FIX YOUR EBOOK FORMATTING. The default 6pt font and forced sans serif is beyond annoying — it makes me cringe every time I open a recent Samhain title. I’m willing to put up with it for trusted authors, but it is a definite barrier to trying new ones.

</whining>

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Back on Track by Donna Cummings

Back on Track by Donna Cummings

  • Title: Back on Track
  • Author: Donna Cummings
  • Series: Strangers on a Train
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.10 ebook)
  • Length: 67 pages
  • Trope(s): Working Girl, Celebrity/Commoner, Athlete
  • Quick blurb: “Two Truths and a Lie” icebreaker leads to a mini-Big-Misunderstanding between a marketing exec and a pro baseball player.
  • Quick review: Not bad, but not memorable.
  • Grade: C

“Does he wear mismatched socks that haven’t been washed in months? To keep a winning streak alive?”

She shook her head, biting back a smile.

“Really?”

“No, he wore smiley-face footie socks. With a tiny pompon in the back.”

Cummings is a new-to-me author, and I didn’t find much of a “voice” in her writing, especially compared to her veteran co-authors. I was put off on the first page by the BFF “patting her perfect blonde hair into place,” the h/h chemistry felt superficial, and I was disappointed that the “wine train” premise wasn’t woven into the story.

Also, the cover is a little eye-rolling — very few (if any) major league pitchers are built like NFL linebackers.

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Tight Quarters by Samantha Hunter

Tight Quarters by Samantha Hunter

  • Title: Tight Quarters
  • Author: Samantha Hunter
  • Series: Strangers on a Train
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.66 ebook)
  • Length: 77 pages
  • Trope(s): Mental Illness, PTSD, Magical Orgasm Cure, Worst Therapist EVER
  • Quick blurb: Claustrophobic writer and retired cop find themselves booked into the same sleeper cabin.
  • Quick review: This story PISSED ME OFF. A LOT.
  • Grade: D (very, very close to being a DNF)

He wanted to tell her he was sorry for being so cavalier about her phobia. Anyone who had lived through that hell would end up with some kind of damage, and she was fighting it.

Lesson learned from this story: The only phobias and anxieties worthy of sympathy are those triggered by tragedy and trauma. All others are fair game for shame and ridicule.

In other words, a big FUCK YOU to readers like me who don’t have a heart-wrenching backstory to blame for their irrational fears and panic attacks.

The writing was good — really good. But HELL FUCKING NO on the Magical Orgasm Cure. I’ll save the rest of my CAPSLOCK OF RAGE for my upcoming (someday) theme on mental illness, but here’s a teaser: If a crippling fear disappears in the presence of testosterone, it’s not a “phobia.” IT DOESN”T WORK THAT WAY.

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Ticket Home by Serena Bell

Ticket Home by Serena Bell

  • Title: Ticket Home
  • Author: Serena Bell
  • Series: Strangers on a Train
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.66 ebook)
  • Length: 77 pages
  • Trope(s): Workaholism, Reunited, Daddy Issues
  • Quick blurb: Workaholic entrpreneur tries to woo his ex back home.
  • Quick review: Adding this to my Swoon-Worthy Grand Gestures list.
  • Grade: B+

“So is that why you ran away?”

“I ran away, she said through gritted teeth, “because you were an asshole.”

I was floored when I learned this was Bell’s first published title. More like this, and she’ll be on my auto-buy list.

The only thing that kept this story from an “A” grade was the bit with the daddy issues — it felt like a too-much-thought-out attempt to give the heroine an angsty backstory to explain away her reluctance. The hero was an asshole, and his bringing up her manipulative father was just as manipulative.

I wavered on the final grade a bit…. Use of the phrase “ate his mouth like a starving woman” was groan-inspiring, but then I had to give bonus points for Big Brooklyn Guy’s one-liner at the end.

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Thank You For Riding by Meg Maguire

Thank You For Riding

  • Title: Thank You For Riding
  • Author: Meg Maguire
  • Series: Strangers on a Train
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.66 ebook)
  • Length: 72 pages
  • Trope(s): Trapped in a Subway Station, Smartass Heroine, Book-Reading-Glasses-Wearing Hero
  • Quick blurb: Platelet-donating, library-card-carrying man and recently-dumped accountant take advantage of being trapped in a subway station.
  • Quick review: A combination of perfect setting, characters and tone make this a truly sexy and romantic story.
  • Grade: A

Did I mention I live alone with a cat? Just got dumped, workaholic and occasionnally eats half a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese for dinner? With chopsticks? Get on this hot mess with your man-broom before someone else sweeps me up!

Everything about this story worked for me, especially the heroine’s stream-of-consciousness internal monologuing. Using chopsticks to eat shredded cheese out of the bag is BRILLIANT.

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Big Boy by Ruthie Knox

Big Boy by Ruthie Knox

  • Title: Big Boy
  • Author: Ruthie Knox
  • Series: Strangers on a Train
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.10 ebook)
  • Length: 72 pages
  • Trope(s): In Disguise, Role Play, Museum Sex,
  • Quick blurb: Once-a-month role-playing encounters turn into something more for a struggling single mother.
  • Quick review: Dear Ms. Knox: Wow. Love, Kelly.
  • Grade: A

Tonight, I want a sliver of honesty to pierce the illusion. A splinter of reality to carry in my pocket all month, to cherish with my fingertips, thinking of him.

Here comes the FANGIRL SQUEE, and you knew it was coming because I haven’t been shy about my author crush on Knox.

Every time I read her, something new and different knocks me over, and sometimes I can’t even figure out exactly what or why. With Big Boy, it’s the atmosphere. The dark, uneasy, secretive, lonely atmosphere. And she pulled it off in first person present tense. As my tweenager would say: “Mind. Blown.” (You’ll have to just imagine the required hand gestures.)

And with every Knox story, it’s her authorial voice. Distinct and memorable, but different every time. Knox inhabits her characters — and that’s something that will always keep me reading.

Hmm… That was a lot of italics. The next Knox book will have me using HOT PINK BOLD ITALIC ALLCAPS, and she’ll have only herself to blame.

Somewhere to Call Home by Janet Lee Barton

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Somewhere to Call Home by Janet Lee Barton

  • Title: Somewhere to Call Home
  • Author: Janet Lee Barton
  • Series/Category: Love Inspired Historical
  • Genre(s): Historical (1890s US), Inspirational
  • Publisher: Harlequin, October 2012
  • Source: Amazon ($3.82 ebook)
  • Length: 288 pages
  • Trope(s): Small-Town Girl, Private Detective, Mean Girl, Evil Banker
  • Quick blurb: Miss Mary Sue McGoodytwoshoes in the big city.
  • Quick review: I am restraining myself from unleashing the snark — but only because I couldn’t even finish it.
  • Grade: DNF

I made it to about 40%, and nothing had happened. Zero tension, zero drama, and zero indication of what the actual conflict might be. There was, however, plenty to make fun of.

I’m only going Half-Snark on this because (a) I didn’t finish it; and (b) it’s an inspirational. But all the ingredients of a “This Is Why People Make Fun of Harlequins” are there. Trust me.

The set-up….

The prologue was promising, with our heroine Violet (aka Mary Sue) accosted by an Evil Banker who tries to blackmail her into marriage by threatening foreclosure on her recently-deceased mother’s home.

Unfortunately, that was the high point of the excitement. It takes a lot of work to make Gilded Age New York City boring, but this book somehow managed it.

Our hero….

I’ll start with him, because this will be short. Michael is supposedly a private detective who owns his own agency, but he never actually does anything except escort our Wide-Eyed Innocent around town. He is, of course, our heroine’s Secret Schoolgirl Crush.

…it had been the most enjoyable weekend he’d had in a very long time. And he’d enjoyed yesterday even more. He hoped Violet had enjoyed it as much as he had.

I’m enjoying all the enjoyment around here, aren’t you?

Our heroine….

Our small-town girl Violet takes up an offer to move to a former neighbor’s boardinghouse in The Big City in hopes of finding a job to pay off the mortgage.

…She truly was like a breath of fresh air in this city.

When our heroine is introduced to her boardinghouse-mates, this is how she attempts friendship with the resident Mean Girl:

“And across from you is Lila Miller, who works at Butterick.”

…Violet then smiled at Lila. “Butterick! Oh, wonderful! Their patterns certainly have made it easier for the home seamstress to make garments that fit,” Violet said.

Yes, really.

Violet hoped to become friends with all the boarders, but she wasn’t sure it was going to happen with Lila. Only time would tell.

She was relieved when the conversation turned from her to the other boarders. She liked hearing about their days and the rest of the meal was quite enjoyable for Violet.

Well, I’m pleased that it was enjoyable, aren’t you?

And even when Violet gets some Mean Girl backlash…

Mrs. Heaton had put a lot of effort into this celebration dinner and Violet wasn’t going to let Lila’s attitude ruin it.

…she never takes off those rose-colored glasses.

…she was beginning to enjoy the company of the other boarders more each day, and she looked forward to hearing about their days and getting to know them all better.

But wait – there’s more!

The working girl….

Mary Sue, oops, I mean VIOLET, lands a position working alongside Lila the Mean Girl, for which she is hired by none other than the founder of the company himself.

“You are a seamstress, Miss Burton?” Mr. Wilder asked.

“Not a professional one. Just a home seamstress who loves your patterns because they make it possible for the everyday woman to make clothing for her family that actually fits them well.”

Mr. Wilder leaned back in his chair, placed his fingertips together over his chest and rocked back and forth. He had a huge smile on his face. “That is music to our ears, Miss Burton.”

“Indeed, it is,” a voice from behind Violet said. She turned to find an older man sitting in a chair in one corner of the room. He was dressed in a black suit and sported a long white beard. He stood and walked toward them. “I’m Ebenezer Butterick, and I believe you’ve just found yourself a position at Butterick and Company, Miss Burton.”

Our perkily plucky heroine starts work as a pattern-cutter the next day:

“I never realized just how much work went into making the patterns I’ve come to count on,” Violet said….

Miss Carter led Violet around the room so she could get a good look at what was being done. She’d never imagined how many steps it took to get a pattern made and to be able to show it in a way that made her and her mother think that an outfit would look good on them. Everyone she met was very nice and Violet looked forward to getting to know them all better.

How much is she looking forward to it? Don’t worry, the author reinforces our heroine’s relentless optimism repeatedly.

“Oh, I am quite impressed. I never dreamed of how much work it took to make a pattern. I’m looking forward to working with everyone.”

“Now, that is the kind of attitude we like around here. I’m sure you are going to fit right in, Miss Burton.”

Violet was beginning to feel that she might.

You might be worried that Violet’s new employer is just another Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire waiting to happen. But never fear:

It was well-known that Mr. Butterick was one of the kindest, more generous men in the city. He gave much to the poor, in particular to needy children, and his company had always had a reputation for treating its employees well.

I’m sure he takes in stray puppies and kittens too.

By lunchtime on her first day, Virtuous Violet gets promoted to seamstress because of her brown-nosing and ass-kissing. Oops, I mean her Sunny Positive Attitude.

“There is so much going on at Butterick it’s hard to take it all in. But I have much more appreciation to what goes into making the patterns to make it easier for the home sewer…. I hope I can live up to their expectations.”

She’s certainly living up to my assessment as the most nauseatingly banal excuse for a heroine ever to grace the pages of any book I’ve ever read. And that includes Sable Hunter’s Hell Yeah! virgins.

The setting….

This is labeled a historical, but it’s all on the surface.  The historical facts are correct — but that’s all they are. Instead of showing us the atmosphere of a teeming turn-of-the-century metropolis, the author merely tells us, through blatant info-dumping and name-dropping, endless bits of useless trivia.

For example, on a Sunday afternoon outing, our heroine is impressed with a peek into the Lifestyles of the Gilded Age.

They headed down the street to Fifth Avenue, and although there was traffic, Violet was pleased that it didn’t seem quite as hectic as the day before. There were many people out and about, but the pace of the traffic was slower as they turned onto the avenue and headed north past Madison Square Park and the Fifth Avenue Hotel.

“Look, Violet.” Violet looked back to see that Mrs. Heaton was pointing to the left. “There is Delmonico’s. It is supposed to be one of the best restaurants in the city and, from what I hear, it is quite the place to see and be seen.”

“Perhaps we’ll stop there for dinner on the way home and see whom we can see and be seen by.” Michael laughed and winked at Violet, who couldn’t contain her chuckle—or the flush of heat that crept up her cheeks.

This is followed by three long paragraphs on the family feud between the Astors and the Vanderbilts that resulted in the construction of the Waldorf Hotel.

“There is no telling how it will all end up.”

“Probaby not,” Violet agreed, although she knew absolutely no more than she’d been told about the families. Nonetheless, it was very entertaining.

As aforementioned, all this was completely irrelevant.

But wait — there’s more!

“New Yorkers of every nationality and status love this park,” his mother said….

“I can well see why,” Violet agreed. “It is simply amazing right here in the middle of the city.”

“It didn’t start that way,” Michael said. “At first, the wealthy were the ones who mostly took advantage of it and there was a lot of discussion on just whose park it was. But with the El and all manner of other transportation, it’s easier for all New Yorkers to enjoy fresh air and sunshine these days, and now the park is enjoyed by anyone who can get to it.”

“I’m glad,” Violet said. It didn’t seem right that only the wealthy should enjoy something so beautiful.

…On the ride home Violet couldn’t remember ever having enjoyed a day more.

I’ll wait while your gag reflex recovers, because…there’s more!

“That is the Tower Building over on Broadway. It’s thirteen stories high and is one of the tallest buildings in the city at present.”

Oh, I’m sorry, were you saying something? Are we going to be tested on this?

On Fifth Avenue, our heroine gawps at the Excesses of the Rich:

…it was quite obvious when they passed those of great wealth. Their vehicles were larger and grander, for one thing. And many of them were open so that one could see from the way the occupants were dressed that they were of the upper echelon of society.

…and during an unexpected foray into the Lower East Side tenements, she gets an up-close-and-personal view of the Plight of the Poor:

…”It is absolutely horrible what some in this city endure. But with the publication of Jacob Riis’s manuscript called How the Other Half Lives, many have been fighting to change things for the poor.”

“I’m relieved to hear that. I can’t imagine living in those conditions.” She’d really had only a glimpse of it, but it’d been enough to throw her imagination into high gear and now she felt she must know more.

This, my friends, is how NOT to write a historical.

I decided to just let the painfully stiff and saccharine dialogue speak for itself. You’re welcome.

All Roads Lead Home by Christine Johnson

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All Roads Lead Home by Christine Johnson

  • Title: All Roads Lead Home
  • Author: Christine Johnson
  • Series/Category: Love Inspired Historical
  • Genre(s): Historical (1920s US), Inspirational
  • Publisher: Harlequin, January 2012
  • Source: Harlequin.com (part of the Holiday Haul of Half-Off Harlequins)
  • Length: 288 pages
  • Trope(s): Rich Girl & Poor Boy, Unrequited Love, Big Misunderstandings, Plot Moppets
  • Quick blurb: Auto mechanic must escort the social worker who rejected him on a cross-country drive to an Indian reservation to investigate an orphan’s mysterious birth father.
  • Quick review: Ignore that last one — this is my favorite Harlequin Love Inspired so far.
  • Grade: B+

His lips brushed her forehead and then her temple. The waves of emotion tossed, their tops windblown, and she lifted her face as if struggling for breath, but it wasn’t air she needed. She required something far more nourishing. She needed to know she was loved, and, with the gentlest touch of his lips to hers, he gave her that.

I felt compelled to purchase this because the title and cover were actually unique and relevant to the story. Add in the 1920s road trip setting, along with the Poor Boy/Rich Girl Unrequited Love premise, and I was doomed.

Fortunately, I wasn’t disappointed. There was nothing flashy about the writing or the characters; like The Maverick Preacher, it was just a really good story told really well. But the two books are very different in their presentation of the faith messages, and I generally prefer inspirationals where the spirituality is a strong undercurrent and not a battle of Bible verses, so All Roads Lead Home gets the edge with the B+ grade.

The suspenseful stuff went in a direction I wasn’t expecting, with intrigue on an Indian reservation, but I thought the sensitive issues of prejudice, land ownership and education were handled really well. The author never resorted to whitewashing the history or resolving the conflict with “White People to the Rescue!”

The only thing that bugged me were the Big Misunderstandings. This is my least favorite plot trope, because it always makes the inner conflicts feel so forced and contrived. From what we’re told of their backstories, Mariah and Hendrick should be intelligent and mature enough to avoid the predictable fits of jealousy and not-smart decision-making.

An unrelated minor disappointment…. The hero’s younger sister flirts with a resident of the Indian reservation, and I was so hoping their story would continue — but apparently she goes back home and marries a cranky rich white guy. Pfft.

One-Quote Review: The Seduction of Elliot McBride by Jennifer Ashley

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  • The Seduction of Elliot McBride by Jennifer AshleyTitle: The Seduction of Elliot McBride
  • Author: Jennifer Ashley
  • Series: Highland Pleasures, Book 5
  • Genre(s): Historical (Victorian)
  • Publisher: Berkley, December 2012
  • Source: Amazon ($7.99 ebook)
  • Length: 320 pages
  • Trope(s): Angsty Hero, Perfectly Perfect Heroine, Reunited, Baby Epilogue
  • Quick blurb: Jilted bride is the perfect remedy for a tormented ex-soldier’s PTSD.
  • Quick review: A whole lot of angst, but none of the emotional intensity I expect from this author.
  • Grade: C

“You were light and life. You are heat, and I’m so damn cold.”

I’m not bitter about paying full price for this, and I’m definitely not giving up on the series, but Juliana was boring, Elliot wasn’t much different from every other scarred hero, and the HEA came *thatclose* to being a Magical Orgasm Cure.

Final Resort by Dana Mentink

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  • Final Resort by Dana MentinkTitle: Final Resort
  • Author: Dana Mentink
  • Series/Category: Love Inspired Suspense (Treasure Hunters mini-series)
  • Genre(s): Contemporary, Inspirational, Suspense
  • Publisher: Harlequin, February 2013
  • Source: NetGalley ($3.82 ebook)
  • Length: 224 pages
  • Trope(s): TSTL Heroine, Con-Artist Relative, Friends-to-Lovers
  • Quick blurb: Uncle’s kidnapping leads ski resort owner into searching for famous missing jewel.
  • Quick review: I was hoping for some Smooching in the Snow. My favorite character was the dog.
  • Grade: DNF

I made it to about 40%. I didn’t even get to the Sinister Ski Gondola part.

The heroine’s predominant character trait is her insistence on shrugging off the oh-so-amusing antics of her con-man uncle (aka the scoundrel, rascal, trickster, showman, etc.) despite his DECADES of being a slimy and manipulative THIEF.

“Ava, I know I messed up. Your mother left this place to us, and I took advantage. I blew it. Took money out figuring I could make it back and then some, but I never did.”

She hated the tone of defeat in her uncle’s voice. “You meant no harm. I know that.”

::headdesk::

That was Chapter One, and it just went downhill from there. (That’s my one attempt at skiing humor. Pathetic, I know.)

It’s OK that Uncle Paul destroyed her parents’ marriage, stole her inheritance, and made enemies of ALL their family, friends and neighbors by defrauding them of THEIR money, because he’s just so “jovial” and “charming.”  And, of course, he’s *~*family*~*, which means he gets a pass for everything.

GAH. Ava is almost as TSTL as Heidi the Goat Girl and her clueless future mother-in-law. I felt ZERO compassion for Ava or her Idiot Uncle, and I saw ZERO potential for respecting Ava as a character by the end of the book. I just wanted to smack some sense into her.

ALSO: The ski resort was on “Whisper Mountain.” Every time it was mentioned, I had visions of the Mountain of the Whispering Winds from Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town. This book could have used a Winter Warlock.

One-Quote Review(s): The Wild Quartet by Miranda Neville

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The Second Seduction of Lady by Miranda Neville

  • Title: The Second Seduction of a Lady
  • Author:  Miranda Neville
  • Series: The Wild Quartet, Book 0.5
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: Avon, October 2012
  • Source: Edelweiss ($1.99 ebook)
  • Length: 100 pages
  • Trope(s): Ruined by a Rake, Big Misunderstanding, Wicked Wager
  • Quick blurb: Five years after a torrid encounter, a repentant gentleman gets a second chance with the stubborn woman he still loves.
  • Quick review: Nothing heart-stopping, but everything a prequel novella should be.
  • Grade: B

It wasn’t a deep kiss but a slow investigation of taste and texture, a scouting trip with the promise of a full exploration.

This novella wasn’t  an all-out swoon, but I loved how the quiet moments between Max and Eleanor showed a more mature and hard-earned romance in contrast to the ill-fated insta-love of their impulsive wards.

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The Importance of Being Wicked by Miranda Neville

  • Title: The Importance of Being Wicked
  • Author:  Miranda Neville
  • Series: The Wild Quartet, Book 1
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: Avon, November 2012
  • Source: Edelweiss ($7.99 ebook)
  • Length: 384 pages
  • Trope(s): Gambling Fever, Widow, Beta Hero, Big Misunderstandings
  • Quick blurb: Staid duke in need of an heiress is enthralled by his intended’s impetuous but impoverished chaperone.
  • Quick review: A bit iffy in the middle, but a full-swoon ending makes it worth the read.
  • Grade: B

The Duke of Castleton had been delightfully stuffy and teasable, and she’d managed not to make a fool of herself by leaping on him and ripping off his clothes.

Loved the relationship-building in the first half (especially the slug-fest at the masked ball), then got really annoyed with both of them, but they finally got their heads out of their asses and I got all swoony at the end.