Tag Archives: plot moppet

Jun19

One-Quote Review Tripleheader: Regency Novellas

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The all-blue cover thing is just a coincidence, I swear.

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The Perks of Being a Beauty by Manda Collins

  • The Perks of Being a Beauty by Manda CollinsTitle: The Perks of Being a Beauty
  • Author: Manda Collins
  • Series: Ugly Ducklings, Book 3.5
  • Genre(s): Historical (Regency)
  • Publisher: St. Martin’s, June 2013
  • Source: NetGalley
  • Length: 125 pages
  • Trope(s): Reformed Mean Girl, Reunited, Social-Climbing Employer, House Party Nookie
  • Quick blurb: Penniless former debutante is unexpectedly reunited with the man she rejected years before.
  • Quick review: Intriguing enough to add a few of Collins’ previous books to my library wishlist.
  • Grade: B-

Then, as if he’d been dying to do this very thing from the beginning, he kissed her.

I didn’t realize before reading that this novella is a bridge between author’s previous series and upcoming series. We get only a few brief mentions of Amelia’s former bullying ways and an apparently infamous public outburst, and those glimpses aren’t quite enough to make an unfamiliar reader appreciate her atonement and redemption. But I loved the chemistry and enjoyed Collins’ voice enough to seek out her previous and upcoming titles.

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Miss Watson’s First Scandal by Heather Boyd

  • Miss Watson's First ScandalTitle: Miss Watson’s First Scandal
  • Author: Heather Boyd
  • Series: Miss Mayhem, Book 1
  • Genre(s): Historical (Regency)
  • Publisher: LLD Press, July 2013
  • Source: NetGalley
  • Length: 99 pages
  • Trope(s): Overworked Banker on Vacation, Childhood Acquaintance All Growed Up and Sexy, Pain in the Ass Best Friend, Sequel Bait, Naked Swimming
  • Quick blurb: Banker must serve foreclosure papers on his best friend, but gets distracted by the deadbeat’s surprisingly grown-up younger sister.
  • Quick review: A good premise that deserves more pages.
  • Grade: C+

“It’s not enough,” she whispered unsteadily. “It couldn’t possibly be.”

I’ve enjoyed several historical novellas by Boyd, and based on those works, Iwas expecting the titular scandal of this story to be a bit more erotic. It’s a nice bit of Regency fluff, but I’m hoping Boyd’s upcoming trilogy will have more bite and substance. The plus on the letter grade is for the puppy.

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A Scandalous Plan by Donna Lea Simpson

  • A Scandalous Plan by Donna Lea SimpsonTitle: A Scandalous Plan
  • Author: Donna Lee Simpson
  • Series: N/A
  • Genre(s): Historical (Regency)
  • Publisher: Beyond the Page Publishing, May 2013 (re-release; first published 2003)
  • Source: NetGalley
  • Length: 99 pages
  • Trope(s): Bored Spinster, Grumpy Widower, Plot Moppets, Disability, Gossiping Villagers
  • Quick blurb: A widower is steamrolled by a local do-gooder who insists on making superstitious villagers accept his autistic child.
  • Quick review: Not painful, but probably not worth a re-release.
  • Grade: C-

It was time to disturb the surface and see what happened.

Another bit of Regency fluff, but this heroine verges on being annoying. She’s a more obnoxious version of Jane Austen’s Emma who blunders about with endearing plot moppets instead of matchmaking schemes. I got the feeling the mystified hero married her just to shut her up.

Mar10

One-Quote Review: Playing the Maestro by Aubrie Dionne

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Playing the Maestro by Aubrie Dionne

  • Title: Playing the Maestro
  • Author: Aubrie Dionne
  • Series: N/A
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Entangled, February 2013
  • Source: NetGalley ($2.99 ebook)
  • Length: 190 pages
  • Trope(s): Lust in the Workplace, Supermodel Ex-Girlfriend, Big Misunderstanding, Plot Moppets
  • Quick blurb: Professional flutist gets the hots for her community orchestra’s new guest conductor.
  • Quick review: Good start, but flattened into a predictable and superficial soap opera.
  • Grade: C-

Too bad he has a baton up his ass….

I am a classical music geek (you’re not surprised), so I figured this book would either win me over or piss me off. It wound up being somewhere in between, landing in the “well, I finished it…” category.

I was pleasantly surprised with the first few chapters because the author (a professional musician) actually addresses the touchy ethics of workplace romances. But when the first Total Drama Moment (heroine gets mugged in the alley behind the concert hall) led into some Now? Really??? lusting (she’s in pain from a possible concussion one minute, then Thinking Dirty Thoughts the next), my eyes started rolling.

Add in the superfluous Sick Child(ren) Plot Moppet(s) and the off-the-shelf Weasely Ex-Boyfriend and Supermodel Ex-Girlfriend rom-com stock characters, and the Sequined Showdown at the Donors’ Gala crisis, and this book wound up having about as much emotional depth as a John Tesh concert.

However…. Give sidekick Carly the Smartass Oboe Player a sequel with a Shy But Loyal Tuba Player and I AM THERE. I don’t care who writes it.

Feb23

All Roads Lead Home by Christine Johnson

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All Roads Lead Home by Christine Johnson

  • Title: All Roads Lead Home
  • Author: Christine Johnson
  • Series/Category: Love Inspired Historical
  • Genre(s): Historical (1920s US), Inspirational
  • Publisher: Harlequin, January 2012
  • Source: Harlequin.com (part of the Holiday Haul of Half-Off Harlequins)
  • Length: 288 pages
  • Trope(s): Rich Girl & Poor Boy, Unrequited Love, Big Misunderstandings, Plot Moppets
  • Quick blurb: Auto mechanic must escort the social worker who rejected him on a cross-country drive to an Indian reservation to investigate an orphan’s mysterious birth father.
  • Quick review: Ignore that last one — this is my favorite Harlequin Love Inspired so far.
  • Grade: B+

His lips brushed her forehead and then her temple. The waves of emotion tossed, their tops windblown, and she lifted her face as if struggling for breath, but it wasn’t air she needed. She required something far more nourishing. She needed to know she was loved, and, with the gentlest touch of his lips to hers, he gave her that.

I felt compelled to purchase this because the title and cover were actually unique and relevant to the story. Add in the 1920s road trip setting, along with the Poor Boy/Rich Girl Unrequited Love premise, and I was doomed.

Fortunately, I wasn’t disappointed. There was nothing flashy about the writing or the characters; like The Maverick Preacher, it was just a really good story told really well. But the two books are very different in their presentation of the faith messages, and I generally prefer inspirationals where the spirituality is a strong undercurrent and not a battle of Bible verses, so All Roads Lead Home gets the edge with the B+ grade.

The suspenseful stuff went in a direction I wasn’t expecting, with intrigue on an Indian reservation, but I thought the sensitive issues of prejudice, land ownership and education were handled really well. The author never resorted to whitewashing the history or resolving the conflict with “White People to the Rescue!”

The only thing that bugged me were the Big Misunderstandings. This is my least favorite plot trope, because it always makes the inner conflicts feel so forced and contrived. From what we’re told of their backstories, Mariah and Hendrick should be intelligent and mature enough to avoid the predictable fits of jealousy and not-smart decision-making.

An unrelated minor disappointment…. The hero’s younger sister flirts with a resident of the Indian reservation, and I was so hoping their story would continue — but apparently she goes back home and marries a cranky rich white guy. Pfft.

Feb12

One-Quote Review: The Seduction of Elliot McBride by Jennifer Ashley

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  • The Seduction of Elliot McBride by Jennifer AshleyTitle: The Seduction of Elliot McBride
  • Author: Jennifer Ashley
  • Series: Highland Pleasures, Book 5
  • Genre(s): Historical (Victorian)
  • Publisher: Berkley, December 2012
  • Source: Amazon ($7.99 ebook)
  • Length: 320 pages
  • Trope(s): Angsty Hero, Perfectly Perfect Heroine, Reunited, Baby Epilogue
  • Quick blurb: Jilted bride is the perfect remedy for a tormented ex-soldier’s PTSD.
  • Quick review: A whole lot of angst, but none of the emotional intensity I expect from this author.
  • Grade: C

“You were light and life. You are heat, and I’m so damn cold.”

I’m not bitter about paying full price for this, and I’m definitely not giving up on the series, but Juliana was boring, Elliot wasn’t much different from every other scarred hero, and the HEA came *thatclose* to being a Magical Orgasm Cure.

Jan6

Lady Louisa’s Christmas Knight by Grace Burrowes

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It’s only an hour or two into Twelfth Night in my part of the world, so a Christmas book is still timely. Right? Right.

I sure as hell hope so, because I still have my Christmas tree up (true story).

  • Lady Louisa's Christmas Knight by Grace BurrowesTitle: Lady Louisa’s Christmas Knight
  • Authors: Grace Burrowes
  • Series: Windhams, Book 6
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: Sourcebooks Casablanca, October 2012
  • Source: NetGalley ($6.39 ebook)
  • Length: 384 pages
  • Trope(s): Secrets & Scandals, War Wounds, Repressed Smart Girl, Manly Men to the Rescue, Plot Moppets, Drunken Duels, Title PØrn, Shark Jumping, Misuse of Historical Personages
  • Quick blurb: Long-suppressed secrets threaten marriage of duke’s daughter and gentleman farmer.
  • Quick review: Everything important happens off-page, leaving plenty of space for annoyances and WTFery.
  • Grade: D

He wasn’t unaffected either. There was…tumescence.

I really need to remember to take a break from historicals after reading Miranda Neville and Courtney Milan, or while anticipating a catch-up on Sherry Thomas, because everything else just seems so…so…*sigh*

Burrowes’ debut The Heir was another one of my “gateway” romances, mostly because of a certain handjob scene early in the book. But she’s never been on my auto-buy list, for reasons I really couldn’t explain. Until now.

I admire her use of language — some of her sentences are marvelous. But in between, there’s weak characterization, a lot of repetitive and Romance-O-Matic plotwork and occasionally some very ill-advised WTFery. Or, to put it bluntly, her storytelling skills leave me cold.

The waste of a perfectly promising heroine

My biggest frustration with Lady Louisa’s Christmas Knight is that the literally brilliant heroine is reduced to a complete bore who is given nothing to do in the story beyond react to the men around her.

“She’s studied practically every modern European language…. She can do math in her head you and I couldn’t follow on paper…. She summarized half a millennium of Roman military strategy…knows Caesar’s letters by heart in the original and in translation…. You compose little bagatelles for her when what she needs is to be working on a translation of The Divine Comedy.”

But are we shown any of that Smart Girl goodness? NO. We’re informed of it in a single info-dumping paragraph. Instead, Louisa’s entire character as a Renaissance Woman is merely a convenient excuse to make her the object of pity with an empty dance card and inject some naughty poetry into the proceedings.

Which is a confusing, yet convenient, segue into my second-biggest frustration….

The pseudo-scandals

Much like her sister who starred in the previous book, and her other sister in the book before that, and those two other unmarried sisters who don’t have books yet, and her sisters-in-law from the first three books, and probably her mother whose novella I haven’t read yet, Lady Louisa has…wait for it…A Scandalous Secret.

But, of course, none of this scandalous behavior happens within the timeline of the book — it’s a single Unfortunate Episode that happened years before. So, of course, our heroine is given nothing else to do but stand around and mope while her “mother hen” brothers terrorize booksellers across England to track down every copy of her (*gasp*) self-published translation of Catullus.

Luckily, she’s Saved From Ruin by our hero, who has a pseudo-scandal of his own. We’re subjected to painfully obvious foreshadowing of Sir…Joseph (sorry, had to look it up because I forgot it already) and his Mysterious Brood of Bastards. But, as you can probably guess without even reading the book, they’re not HIS bastards — they’re just convenient off-page, unseen plot moppets used as props to demonstrate our hero’s Noble Spirit.

And, of course, the pseudo-plot is resolved by a melodramatic “rescue” by the Brotherhood of Manly Men who show up just in time to throw snowballs at the pathetic excuse for a “villain.”

There is ZERO tension — dramatic, romantic or sexual — in this entire book.

Read the rest of this entry →

Dec17

The Spy Who Saved Christmas by Dana Marton

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The Spy Who Saved Christmas by Dana Marton

  • Title: The Spy Who Saved Christmas
  • Author: Dana Marton
  • Series/Category: Intrigue
  • Genre(s): Contemporary, Suspense
  • Publisher: Harlequin, October 2010
  • Source: Amazon, $3.82
  • Length: 219 pages
  • Trope(s): Virgin Heroine, Angsty Spy, Plot Moppets (x2), Secret Baby (x2), AWOL Underwear, Unauthorized Use of Prep Table
  • Quick blurb: Lady Butcher has Secret Babies with Fake-Dead Biker Baker Black Ops Guy. Also, it’s Christmas.
  • Quick review: A quick and goofy holiday read, but not quite as much gleeful fun as Black Sheep Sheik.
  • Grade: B
  1. kelly_instalove
    Spy Who Saved Christmas, chapter 1 – heroine has already kneed hero in the nads and head-butted him. Bring it ON.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 20:07:58

  2. The_Book_Slayer
    @kelly_instalove Oh this one sounds right up my alley.

    Amanda@The_Book_Slayer

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 20:08:51

  3. kelly_instalove
    @The_Book_Slayer it’s a Harlequin Intrigue by Dana Marton

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 20:15:09

  4. The_Book_Slayer
    @kelly_instalove hmmm. I am going to check it out.

    Amanda@The_Book_Slayer

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 20:16:32

  5. kelly_instalove
    Spy Who Saved Xmas, ch 2: “What was it with them and food preparation surfaces?”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 20:34:12

  6. kelly_instalove
    “Is that why, instead of staying at a safe house…you insisted on coming with me to steal a deadly virus from a bunch of terrorists?”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 20:59:56

  7. kelly_instalove
    “Tonight. Five minutes to midnight. Down by the river at the foot of the old railroad bridge.” !!! (hold me)

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 21:30:23

  8. kelly_instalove
    “She looked like she was trying to decide whether to cry or strangle him. Since she wasn’t the weepy kind, things didn’t look good for him.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 21:40:44

  9. kelly_instalove
    “…not only would she have been happy to see his ten-point buck, she would have gutted, skinned and chopped it all up for him. (1/2)

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 21:50:28

  10. kelly_instalove
    (2/2) “She was a helluva woman by his standards.” [Heroine is a 6-ft-tall butcher, in case you were wondering]

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 22:11:15

  11. Liz_Mc2
    @kelly_instalove That sounds rather awesome.

    Liz McCausland@Liz_Mc2

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 22:14:41

  12. kelly_instalove
    Hero is Biker Black Ops kind of guy who also bakes. His crusty roll recipe is coveted, especially since his fake death in bakery fire.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 22:54:19

  13. Fibrobabe
    @kelly_instalove A black ops biker with a heart of pastry dough.

    Becky@Fibrobabe

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 22:55:23

  14. kelly_instalove
    @Fibrobabe I’m kind of disappointed he doesn’t call heroine “sugar”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 22:56:46

  15. Fibrobabe
    @kelly_instalove “My little beignet.”

    Becky@Fibrobabe

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 22:58:32

  16. kelly_instalove
    @Fibrobabe they’re in Pennsylvania, so maybe “my sweet funnel cake” instead

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:00:44

  17. Fibrobabe
    @kelly_instalove If it’s a Christmas story, “my fruity Weihnachtsstollen.”

    Becky@Fibrobabe

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:06:42

  18. kelly_instalove
    @Fibrobabe I hope they’re not Swedish, because lutefisk and lefse would ruin the mood.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:11:35

  19. Fibrobabe
    @kelly_instalove I’m not sure how I’d feel about being called a “darling rugelach” if he’s Jewish.

    Becky@Fibrobabe

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:18:44

  20. kelly_instalove
    She: “You can’t have bad aim and wield a cleaver for a living.” He: “Hand-eye coordination is a beautiful thing.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:08:39

  21. WARNING: Random and gratuitous inclusion of Fake SyFy monsters ahead!
  22. Sacrifices must be made #roaring #screaming #sandshark http://pic.twitter.com/kfW161GX

    Agatha Bitchy@oddmonstr

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:15:34

  23. kelly_instalove
    @oddmonstr I’m feeling the need to do a Storify mashup of my book snark and your movie pics

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:17:09

  24. oddmonstr
    @kelly_instalove I think that would rock! Do you need more sand sharks? Because there’s like 4 now and they’re chasing Brooke Hogan

    Agatha Bitchy@oddmonstr

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:30:16

  25. Best. Movie. Ever. #uhoh http://pic.twitter.com/mMpYsJC3

    Agatha Bitchy@oddmonstr

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 00:12:52

  26. Oh, sorry…. Where were we?
  27. kelly_instalove
    He: “To get those boys back, you would have teamed up with the devil.” She: “Maybe I did.” (Boys = Secret Babies) (Twins, of course. Duh.)

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:43:57

  28. ann_somerville
    @kelly_instalove secret twins she didn’t know she had? :)

    Ann Somerville@ann_somerville

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:44:55

  29. kelly_instalove
    @ann_somerville shush, you’re going to ruin the epilogue.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:49:47

  30. ann_somerville
    @kelly_instalove sorry mum

    Ann Somerville@ann_somerville

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:50:11

  31. kelly_instalove
    Lady Butcher is OK with blood and innards, but scared of bugs. Especially spiders in outhouses.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:48:11

  32. ann_somerville
    @kelly_instalove ah, so female stereotyping not entirely absent, even if ridiculous

    Ann Somerville@ann_somerville

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:50:01

  33. suburbanbeatnik
    @kelly_instalove This book sounds kind of cool.

    Joanne Renaud@suburbanbeatnik

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:48:28

  34. suburbanbeatnik
    @kelly_instalove Men are from Mars women are from Venus amirite @ann_somerville

    Joanne Renaud@suburbanbeatnik

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:52:55

  35. kelly_instalove
    @ann_somerville Hero’s partner’s girlfriend wants their next deer hunting trip to be catch-and-release

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:52:28

  36. ann_somerville
    @kelly_instalove riiiight

    Ann Somerville@ann_somerville

    Sun, Dec 16 2012 23:54:00

  37. kelly_instalove
    “It was like walking into a fantasy. A centerfold operating heavy machinery.” (Hero recalling Lady Butcher using industrial meat grinder)

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 00:01:15

  38. kelly_instalove
    He: “I always thought you looked not in a hairnet.” She: “You were probably distracted by all the machinery I was operating.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 00:05:18

  39. ann_somerville
    @kelly_instalove has this author ever been in a butcher’s shop? smell of raw meat is not enticing

    Ann Somerville@ann_somerville

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 00:01:54

  40. kelly_instalove
    Crap, that last one should have been HOT in a hairnet. Also, auto-correct options for “hairnet” are quite entertaining.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 00:10:06

  41. Autocorrect options for “hairnet” include “garnet” and “bairns”
  42. kelly_instalove
    “Hot in a Hairnet” would be a fantastic book title. Someone should write that.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 00:11:50

  43. ann_somerville
    @kelly_instalove sequels. ‘Warm in a Wig’. ‘Snug in a Snood’. ‘Bootilicious in a booblehat’ :)

    Ann Somerville@ann_somerville

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 00:13:41

  44. kelly_instalove
    @ann_somerville “Snug in a snood” made my lady parts squirmy, and not in a good way.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 00:20:44

  45. kelly_instalove
    @ann_somerville yeah, like a bedazzled hairnet. But I think it was the “snug” part that got me o.0

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 00:27:41

  46. ann_somerville
    @kelly_instalove weirdo

    Ann Somerville@ann_somerville

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 00:27:55

  47. kelly_instalove
    @ann_somerville you have NO idea….

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 00:29:08

  48. sean__kennedy
    @ann_somerville @kelly_instalove Turgid in a Trilby. Funky in a Fez. Beloved in a Beanie.

    Sean Kennedy@sean__kennedy

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 02:48:50

  49. kelly_instalove
    @sean__kennedy The fez thing is way too Doctor Who *shudder* and I must admit I had to look up trilby *shameface* @ann_somerville

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 07:41:03

  50. kelly_instalove
    “The next thing he knew, her bra was AWOL.” (His hands are on a humanitarian mission.)

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 00:18:28

  51. ann_somerville
    @kelly_instalove hope it didn’t end up in the meat grinder!

    Ann Somerville@ann_somerville

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 00:18:56

  52. ReaderLas
    @kelly_instalove now I’m tempted to break my rule and read a Christmas story.

    Las@ReaderLas

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 03:55:17

  53. We now interrupt this live-tweet for some much-needed sleep….
  54. kelly_instalove
    Live-tweeting of “The Spy Who Saved Christmas” will resume shortly. I know you’re all anxious about the Rendezvous at the Railroad Bridge.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 07:44:38

  55. JenniferRNN
    @kelly_instalove Bummer. I’ve missed it so far. :(

    Jennifer Porter@JenniferRNN

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 07:44:58

  56. kelly_instalove
    @JenniferRNN I’ll be Storifying. Hero is a Biker Baker Black Ops kind of spy. Heroine is a 6-ft-tall butcher. Yes, really.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 07:47:03

  57. JenniferRNN
    @kelly_instalove A biker baker black ops dude??? This sounds awesomely cracktastic.

    Jennifer Porter@JenniferRNN

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 07:49:32

  58. kelly_instalove
    @JenniferRNN The last discussion before I went to bed was alternate titles for “Hot in a Hairnet.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 07:54:11

  59. JenniferRNN
    @kelly_instalove I’m bummed that I missed it.

    Jennifer Porter@JenniferRNN

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 07:54:33

  60. kelly_instalove
    @JenniferRNN It was 2 a.m., so “discussion” wasn’t exactly high-brow. And then @oddmonstr kept throwing in SyFy “Sand Shark” pics.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 07:57:34

  61. JenniferRNN
    @kelly_instalove Aahh. Too late for me. :)

    Jennifer Porter@JenniferRNN

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 08:26:47

  62. .@kelly_instalove did someone say… #SANDSHARK? #uhoh http://pic.twitter.com/mCNHVEWb

    Agatha Bitchy@oddmonstr

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 08:20:57

  63. kelly_instalove
    Live-tweeting of “The Spy Who Saved Christmas” is about to resume – for realz this time. I actually had to *work* at the day job today :-P

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 17:47:21

  64. kelly_instalove
    Chapter 8 – let’s just say the Rendezvous at the Railroad Bridge did not go well. Mostly because the heroine can’t follow directions.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 17:49:14

  65. kelly_instalove
    “They probably weren’t used to people begging to be kidnapped…. This was why you didn’t bring a civilian to a hostage exchange, dammit.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 17:51:05

  66. kelly_instalove
    “He was pretty cool during missions. Someone had once compared him to the iceberg that sank the Titanic.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 17:54:41

  67. kelly_instalove
    “She was a woman, falling in love with the man who was the father of her children.” Also, she’s a Cleaver-Wielding 6-Ft-Tall Lady Butcher.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:03:20

  68. kelly_instalove
    Hero’s newly-married ex-partner: “So anyway, I told her about the twins. And you know how pregnant women are. *OUCH!*.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:09:27

  69. kelly_instalove
    “Look, you obviously don’t know anything about intelligence work, lady. It’s an X-K-Red-27 technique.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:12:22

  70. kelly_instalove
    “..I know perfectly well that you don’t keep the general public informed when you are “debriefing KGB defectors in a safe house.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:13:22

  71. JenniferRNN
    @kelly_instalove I am so going to have to read this. I can see it in my future.

    Jennifer Porter@JenniferRNN

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:13:12

  72. kelly_instalove
    @JenniferRNN Hee – those last two were from A Fish Called Wanda :-)

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:13:48

  73. JenniferRNN
    @kelly_instalove Okay, that makes things a little less odd.

    Jennifer Porter@JenniferRNN

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:14:24

  74. kelly_instalove
    I’m throwing in marginally relevant movie quotes to liven things up on the long drive to Slaughterhouse Road for the Secret Baby Swap.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:14:49

  75. ViolettaVane
    @kelly_instalove your description of the ransom gone wrong reminds me of the one in The Big Lebowski where Walter jumps out of the car

    Violetta Vane@ViolettaVane

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:16:44

  76. ann_somerville
    @kelly_instalove what, no amnesia?

    Ann Somerville@ann_somerville

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:17:56

  77. kelly_instalove
    @ann_somerville No, but a slaughterhouse is a vertiable treasure trove of weapons for a Lady Butcher who lost her gun.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:22:06

  78. kelly_instalove
    Success! “We kicked terrorist butt, didn’t we?”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:26:09

  79. kelly_instalove
    Biker Baker Baby Daddy can tell twins apart after spending 15 minutes of quality time with them in the back of an ambulance.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:27:23

  80. JenniferRNN
    @kelly_instalove It is the baker in him. Bakers are very talented.

    Jennifer Porter@JenniferRNN

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:28:02

  81. ann_somerville
    @kelly_instalove of *course* he can. Because he used a marker pen to put a sekrit symbol on one of their ears :)

    Ann Somerville@ann_somerville

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:28:06

  82. kelly_instalove
    @JenniferRNN I’m waiting for the scene where he hides his coveted Crusty Roll Recipe inside a diaper @ann_somerville

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:32:30

  83. kelly_instalove
    Whoops – AWOL underwear again.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:33:43

  84. kelly_instalove
    “Our second time and you’re already bringing up variety? A lesser man could develop a complex.” (1st time was baby making in the bakery)

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:35:46

  85. GrowlyCub
    @kelly_instalove how did they get from 1st time to twins?

    GC@GrowlyCub

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:39:07

  86. kelly_instalove
    “Because the first time, on a flour-dusted table, I didn’t know you were a virgin.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:39:42

  87. GrowlyCub
    @kelly_instalove oh, so it was a virgin birth too?

    GC@GrowlyCub

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:41:11

  88. kelly_instalove
    @GrowlyCub 1st time was deflowering on flour-dusted table in bakery. 2nd time 2 years later. In between, he fake-died in bakery fire.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:46:15

  89. kelly_instalove
    Nookie Night in a cheap motel is apparently really good therapy for recently wounded hips and shoulders.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:40:49

  90. kelly_instalove
    “The twins were quiet, happy as clams, thanks to their complimentary candy canes.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:51:54

  91. Liz_Mc2
    @kelly_instalove What?! Aren’t they under 2? Choking hazard!

    Liz McCausland@Liz_Mc2

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:54:59

  92. kelly_instalove
    @Liz_Mc2 I KNOW!!!

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:57:37

  93. kelly_instalove
    “…narrow lips tilted up in an evil smile. Every instinct she had told her that he wasn’t here to do his last-minute Christmas shopping.”


    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 18:57:01

  94. kelly_instalove
    “The way he scurried forward reminded her of a rat running from a sinking ship. Which gave her a really, really bad feeling.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:00:02

  95. kelly_instalove
    Chasing a bad guy through a crowded mall is difficult, but even more so when you’re pushing a double-wide baby stroller.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:00:53

  96. kelly_instalove
    FBI Suit: “You’re here to provide intelligence only… There’ll be no rogue missions here.” Pfffft. AS. IF. It’s a Harlequin Intrigue.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:04:43

  97. The_Book_Slayer
    @kelly_instalove lol. Who doesn’t love a man in a suit with the added bonus of a badge & gun?!

    Amanda@The_Book_Slayer

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:11:13

  98. kelly_instalove
    “Extra attention from a deranged terrorist was the last thing she wanted. Not unless they were one-on-one and she had a cleaver handy.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:07:48

  99. kelly_instalove
    “And she was willing to bet a year’s supply of filet mignon….” I personally would only bet six month’s worth of pork chops.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:09:44

  100. oddmonstr
    @kelly_instalove I’m in for three days worth of potato salad.

    Agatha Bitchy@oddmonstr

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:36:55

  101. kelly_instalove
    “Blue wire or red wire?” If this was a Bond movie, Q would saunter over and calmly flip the power switch to off.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:14:37

  102. kelly_instalove
    “The perfect time for swearing his heart out, but he was a father now and just yesterday he had promised himself to let go of that habit.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:15:02

  103. kelly_instalove
    This next one is goood – trust me….

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:15:14

  104. kelly_instalove
    “‘Fudge cookies,’ he said instead, with feeling. Then cringed. If his SDDU buddies could hear him now…” THIS is why I love @danamarton.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:16:56

  105. kelly_instalove
    ““I’ll go home with you for a while. The bread needs time to rise.’ Something between them clearly didn’t.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:25:48

  106. kelly_instalove
    He: “We should visit our old friend the dough-kneading table.” She: “The last time you said that, you got me pregnant. Again.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:26:42

  107. The_Book_Slayer
    @kelly_instalove This conversation sounds like one I have had with my husband. 0.0 *snickers*

    Amanda@The_Book_Slayer

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:27:29

  108. kelly_instalove
    “She had her own life, her own challenges, her own wonderful family. Her very own spymaster who was about to save Christmas. Again.”

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:29:49

  109. ros_clarke
    @kelly_instalove Why don’t I have my very own spymaster to save Christmas again? I’ve always had to share my spymasters.

    Ros Clarke@ros_clarke

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:31:19

  110. kelly_instalove
    @ros_clarke You need to move to Hopeville, Pennsylvania. The spies have taken over an entire strip mall.

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:33:29

  111. Best epilogue EVER:

    “Due to the economy, a lot of stores had gone out of business in the small strip mall. And every time one did, the top-secret unit Reid worked for bought the place. They put a man behind the counter as a front. Business continued as usual. But in the sizable attic that stretched above the row of stores, a super high-tech mission center had been sneakily built. Reid had found a way to do his job and still keep them safe. The strip mall’s security—although invisible to the untrained eye—rivaled that of the White House. And since Reid was the coordinator, he rarely left on missions; he arranged for background support when needed, utilizing his considerable knowledge of the field. Oddly, business also began doing better than ever before. The strip mall was gaining steadily in popularity, especially with the ladies. The men on Reid’s team, handsome hunks to the last, didn’t escape notice.”

  112. kelly_instalove
    The End. Happy Holidays! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?

    Instalove@kelly_instalove

    Mon, Dec 17 2012 19:31:23

Nov27

One-Quote Review: Gnome on the Range by Jennifer Zane

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Before you ask “WHY???” (because I know that’s what you’re thinking), I put the full blame for this on Jennifer at Romance Novel News. I dared her to read something called Moosed-Up, so this was my self-inflicted penance.

So actually, it’s my own fault. But then again, Jennifer definitely got the better end of the deal on this one.
Gnome on the Range by Jennifer Zane

  • Title: Gnome on the Range
  • Author(s): Jennifer Zane
  • Series:  Gnome Novel Series, Book 1
  • Genre(s): Contemporary, Suspense (*eye-roll*)
  • Publisher: Self-Published, December 2011
  • Source: Amazon, free promo ($4.99 ebook)
  • Length: 216 pages
  • Trope(s): Firefighter, Military Man, Single Mother, Widow, Wacko In-Laws, Sex Toys, Small Town
  • Quick blurb: Single mother and studly new neighbor join forces against evil villain.
  • Quick review:  If not for the noble firefighter neighbor, this book would have been completely OTT WTFery.
  • Grade: D

For the next fifteen minutes, we went over fire inspection paperwork with an elephant in the room the shape of a dildo.

This wasn’t painful, but it wasn’t good. A nearly-TSTL heroine, her way-OTT mother-in-law, a completely transparent “suspense” plot, inane and irrelevant details about houses, horses, sex toys, street names, etc., etc.

And…the Evil Villain. Oy. Uff da.

Are you ready for this? Because this is where the gnomes come into play.

Are you SURE? All righty, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

!!!SPOILER!!!

The Evil Villain is a ranch owner trying to retrieve stolen vials of valuable horse semen that were hidden in garden gnomes purchased by the heroine’s young sons at a yard sale.

But how does that make him villainous, you ask? It doesn’t.

He’s an evil villain because he’s — wait for it — a Pyscho Dom With Horse Tranquilizers.

I SHIT YOU NOT. On all counts.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Epilogue….

While I was reading this, my kids decided to watch Gnomeo and Juliet on one of those mysterious cable movie channels I didn’t even know we had. It was actually tolerable because James McAvoy voiced the main character, and I could listen to him all day. Or night.

But then again, there was this:

Gnomeo and Juliet

Nov23

Catching Up: Men of Smithfield, Books 2-4 by L.B. Gregg

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Men of Smithfield series by L.B. Gregg

  • Title(s): Seth & David, Max & Finn, Adam & Holden
  • Author: L.B. Gregg
  • Series: Men of Smithfield, Books 2- 4
  • Genre(s): Contemporary, GLBTQ, Suspense
  • Publisher: Carina Press, September-November 2012
  • Source: NetGalley (Seth & David, Adam & Holden), Amazon ($3.39 ebook)
  • Length: 89/108/150 pages
  • Trope(s): Age Difference, Beta Heroes, Asshole Heroes, Uncontrollable Penises, Insta-Lust, Virgin,
  • Quick blurb: More m/m stories from small-town Connecticut.
  • Quick review: A downhill slide from the humorous angst of Book 1, with an emphasis on skeeviness and shallow suspense.
  • Grade: C, C-, D

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Men of Smithfield: Seth & David (Book 2)Book 2: Seth & David

Uptight guardian of six-year-old niece gets the hots for his hippie-esque new massage therapist.

He was everything I had never ever wanted.

I didn’t really connect with Seth — I would have loved to read the story from David’s POV. And the “meet-cute” was NOT cute or humorous AT ALL.

Grade: C-

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Men of Smithfield: Max & Finn (Book 3) by L.B. GreggBook 3: Max & Finn

Prep-school teacher and security expert reunited when they must protect a celebrity student from a stalker.

I stumbled along as best as I could, channeling Scout in her ham costume á la To Kill a Mockingbird.

I had to pick that quote because I just watched To Kill a Mockingbird last night, and I like to be reminded of Gregory Peck whenever possible. ANYWAY, I read Max & Finn right after Mark & Tony (Book 1), and I was not expecting the suspense elements — this one is long on plot and less on character.

Grade: C

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Book 4: Adam & HoldenMen of Smithfield: Adam & Holden (Book 4) by L.B. Gregg

House-bound writer finally gets to meet his sexy new landscaper when a dead body turns up in the garden.

But this was right. I felt reborn. Renewed. I felt free with him – as if the future was finally at hand and I could at long last set into the light of day. All the pain and the fear of two years had somehow brought him to me…and he was worth everything.

Asperger’s (Adam) + Agoraphobia (Holden) = Magical Orgasm Cure². Yay!

Grade: D (“yay” = /sarcasm/)

Nov21

World Series of Romance: Stealing Home by Allison Pittman

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Get your protective choir robes or holy underwear or whatever ready, because it’s going to be RAINING SQUEE AROUND HERE.
Stealing Home by Allison Pittman

  • Title: Stealing Home
  • Author: Allison Pittman
  • Series: The Baseball Novels, Book 1
  • Genre(s): Historical, Inspirational
  • Publisher: Multnomah Books, April 2009
  • Source: Amazon ($9.99 ebook)
  • Length: 352 pages
  • Trope(s): Celebrity & Commoner(s), Unrequited/Reunited, Beta Hero(es), Plot Moppet (but in a good way),
  • Quick blurb: A staid and “dry” small town in Missouri is turned upside down when a newly-sober ballplayer arrives to continue his recovery.
  • Quick review: The Music Man + The Natural + Field of Dreams + Places in the Heart = BIG FAT WIN.
  • Grade: A+

“Don’t worry. This is baseball. There’s always a second chance.”

Read With Me Vicariously: Status Updates

11/18/12 – 25%:
Shut up and quit bothering me, I’m reading a REALLY GOOD BOOK.

11/18/12 – 50%:
I love this book soooooo much. If this tanks in the second half like my last three books, I’m going to be upset. VERY upset.

11/19/12 – 75%:
Dear God — and I mean that in both the holy and blasphemous connotations — I love this book.

11/19/12 – 90%:
Never mind, I HATE this book.

11/19/12 – 100%:
I am going to need several days to recover from this one, and the full review is going to be a completely incoherent mess of stupid.

Let the mess of incoherent stupidity commence. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This is also very long, so go ahead and make a trip to the kitchen for Diet Coke and cookies before we get started. Or communion wafers and wine. Whatever floats your boat.

The set-up

Picksville, Missouri – March 1905:

Dave was sending her a man. And he was coming on the two-o’clock train.

Dave Voyant is our heroine Ellie Jane’s older brother. He’s a Chicago sportswriter who somehow got himself involved in getting Duke Dennison, the league’s most die-hard drunk, dried out enough to return to the Cubs’ starting lineup.

1905 Spalding Bseball GuideWith “dry” being the key word, Dave offers up his hometown of Picksville as an ideal place for Duke to continue his recovery when he’s released from the “sanatorium.”

No saloon. Just like Voyant told the doctor. Some kind of small town ordinance. Welcome to Picksville. Doctor’s orders. For at least thirty days.

When Duke steps off the train, he makes quite an impression on his welcoming committee, especially Morris Bennett, an ambitious “Negro errand boy” enlisted by Ellie Jane to carry the royal baggage:

Now I know a rich white man when I see one. But this guy — he is almost pretty. He’s wearin this suit the color of molasses cake and one of those dandy hats and more jewels than I’ve ever seen any man wear — diamond rings on each hand, gold watch, pearl tie clip and cuff-buttons.

When the big-league city slicker turns his charm on Ellie Jane, the exchange is almost too much for our hero Ned, who’s watching from across the platform:

Ned cringed at Ellie Jane’s girlish reaction, bringing her other hand up to capture what must be a lovely giggle while allowing herself to languish in this forward embrace.

If you were expecting the Duke the Magnificent Manly-Man to be the hero of this story, you might be disappointed – but don’t be, because Ned has “hero material” written all over him. Trust me.

And yes, this is going to be one of those reviews that’s one quote and excerpt after another. Suck it up and keep reading. You’ll thank me later.

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Nov9

World Series of Romance: Squeeze Play by Kate Angell

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Just so’s you know….

This started out as a One-Quote Review, and then four hours later I found myself in the throes of a Full Snark Bitchfest.

Shh! Mom's on the warpath!

You’re damn right I am. Also, if you give me
cake to relax, it better not be made of Ivory Soap.

If you read all the way to the end, you’ll see why.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Squeeze Play (Richmond Rogues Book 1) by Kate Angell

  • Title: Squeeze Play
  • Author: Kate Angell
  • Series: Richmond Rogues, Book 1
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: First published June 2006 by Love Spell; re-released as self-pub ebook December 2011
  • Source: Amazon (99¢ ebook)
  • Length: 318 pages
  • Trope(s): Angsty Athlete, Flaky Heroine, Friends-to-Lovers, Big Misunderstanding(s), Dumped in Public, Rebound, Small Town, Plot Moppets, Weight-Shaming
  • Quick blurb: Big-league ballplayers return to hometown for charity bachelor auction.
  • Quick review: A lot of eye-rolling and some major ::HEADDESK::ing.
  • Grade: D

The first in a steamy new series of romances featuring a hunky baseball team and the sirens who challenge the players in the game of love.

I have two positive things to say about this book:

(1) It was only 99 cents.

(2) It wasn’t Sweet Jesus! Honey Dews! bad.

But it was close.

I know I shouldn’t judge an entire series by the first book, but since it had a multi-arc storyline, I figured one book was more than enough.

You don’t believe me, do you? DO YOU? Well, all I can say is READ THIS:

My nipples picked you out of the crowd.

Him: “Your first blow on my coffee turned me on.”
Her: “My nipples picked you out of the crowd.”

My first idea was to do this as a Rogues vs. McCoys box score, but I’m kind of charted-out for a while. So this is going to be a Heroines vs. Heroes play-by-play with color commentary instead.

The match-up:

  • Home: The Small-Town Girls — Jacy the Wacky Coffee Shop Owner, Stevie the Low-Self-Esteem Tomboy, and Natalie the Big City Slut Who Tries to Throw the Game.
  • Visitors: The Richmond Rogues — Pro baseball players, in town for a celebrity bachelor auction, known by their on-field nicknames of Risk, Zen/ Einstein, Shutout, Romeo, Chaser and Psycho. Collectively known as “The Bat Pack.” No, really.

The scouting report:

  • Small-Town Girls Jacy and Stevie have the home-field advantage, and they know the value of well-timed coffee-inspired innuendo-laden puns.
  • Richmond’s local-boys-done-good Risk and Shutout have history with and insider knowledge of their opponents, but mental trips down Memory Lane might weaken their defenses.
  • Natalie the Slut, unexpectedly called down from her big-city penthouse, may throw both teams off their game with her wild pitching and penchant for crowd-baiting.
  • Irrational jealousy resulting from big misunderstandings will dominate play, but players will also need to be prepared for numerous distractions from both sides of the bench in the form of cleavage- and/or ass-flashing and baseball-metaphor sexual propositions.

The pre-game show (aka the prologue):

Bottom of the ninth in Game Seven of the World Series – Rogues down one against Tampa Bay, two outs with a runner on third.

After whiffing a backdoor slider¹ and a curve, veteran hitter Risk Kincaid proves his nickname by — wait for it —  CALLING HIS SHOT (see image at right).

And of course he knocks it out of the park. But it’s not just any ol’ game-winning hit! It’s a homer to the left field bleachers aimed straight at the scantily-dressed and vividly-coiffed female fan who taunted him on the Jumbotron.

While the 80,000² Tampa Bay fans pout, cry and head out to riot in the streets, Risk makes nice with the reporters for his SportsCenter highlight reel:

“What about the girl with the pink hair?” someone asked.

“What about her?” he shot the question back.

“You nearly slammed the ball down her throat³.”

A corner of his mouth turned up slightly. “She needs to learn to duck.”

Classy, huh? But I suppose taking her head off with a line drive homer is better than yelling “TAG” in the middle of a rodeo bar.

¹ Yes, “backdoor slider.” Take a WILD guess where my dirty mind went with that one.

² Yes, EIGHTY THOUSAND fans. Which is very impressive, because the largest pro baseball venue (Dodgers Stadium) has a capacity of only 56,000. I thought maybe the anticipated crowds forced a cross-town move to the Ray-Jay, but that only seats 65,000. So it must have been a cross-country displacement to Memorial Coliseum in Los Angeles.

³ Intentional or unintentional? You decide.

First inning (chapter one):

Oh, bloody HELL — I’m balking on the first pitch.

This stupid book has 13 chapters, and I don’t have the time or patience for extra innings. I have more angsty athletes to read about, dammit. I also have difficulty maintaining extended metaphors.

We’ll go with some obscure stats and random trivia instead.

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