Tag Archives: in disguise

Backlist Binge: Sophia James

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This took me longer than I thought, because I wound up doing a full re-read of one, and I had to buy and read the newest because it finished off a series.

So… Here are the highs and lows of Harlequin Historical author Sophia James, presented in chronological order (minus the anthologies). Cover images link to Goodreads.

In summary: James is on the dark and angsty edge of Harlequin Historicals — her characters are complex and conflicted, and when she stays away from rakes and pirates, her storytelling skills are memorable. But it’s hit or miss whether all the pieces and parts coalesce enough to suck me into a full-on book trance.

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Fallen Angel by Sophia JamesFallen Angel (2005)

“He’s the problem, don’t you see? I can’t love him and I can’t not love him, and he won’t let me stand up any place in between.”

The happy couple….

Nicholas Pencarrow is the Duke of Westbourne. Brenna Stanhope is the mysterious young woman who saves his life and then disappears.

The set-up….

The duke relentlessly tracks down his rescuer, and when he finds her managing a London orphanage, he refuses to take no for an answer.

The conflicts….

Brenna has a Tragic Past. The duke won’t take no for an answer.

The romance….

During the first two-thirds of the book, Nicholas is a typical infatuated rake, and Brenna falls for his charms. But then for some unknown reason, he crosses the line into stalking and obsession.

The recommendation….

The hero veering off into alphahole territory derailed what could have been a really good debut.

Grade: C-

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Masquerading Mistress by Sophia JamesMasquerading Mistress (2007)

One night. All night. The clouds and the moon and the darkness rolled into one and the clenching want made her shake, made her sweat, made her say his name in the wildness of passion.

The happy couple….

Thornton Lindsay is a scarred, reclusive war hero – and also a Reluctant Duke. Caroline Anstretton is a desperate runaway who tells a London ballroom that the duke is her lover.

The set-up….

When the duke hears of Caroline’s outrageous claim, he propositions her, and naturally she accepts, gets pregnant and runs away again.

The conflicts….

Caroline has a Tragic Past, and she’s also trying to keep her younger brother away from the gaming hells. The duke is a grumpy loner who’s mistrustful of everyone.

The romance….

There’s chemistry, but unfortunately our happy couple is separated for much of the book – and when they’re finally reunited, some rather strange war-related intrigue gets the duke all mistrustful again. Fortunately, the Revealing of the Tragic Past works its usual wonders and all is forgiven.

The recommendation….

Better pacing and characterization than Fallen Angel, but the unnecessary suspense stuff relies on more than a few Very Convenient Coincidences.

Grade: C+

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Ashblane's Lady by Sophia JamesAshblane’s Lady (2007)

He was not gentle and she was glad. His lips met hers in a searing, blistering explosion of lust, weeks of wanting sandwiched between this very moment and a future stretching only into difficulty.

The happy couple….

Alexander Ullyot is a Scottish warlord. Lady Madeleine, aka The Black Widow, is his enemy’s sister.

The set-up….

He takes her hostage. She’s tall and has fiery red hair. You do the math.

The conflicts….

See “set-up” above.

The romance….

It’s all about the fiery red hair. And the witchcraft thing.

The recommendation….

Despite the snarkage, this isn’t bad — just an enjoyable Highland romance with a bit of light magic thrown in.

Grade: B-

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High Seas to High Society by Sophia JamesHigh Seas to High Society (2007)

The Wellinghams, Book 1

She was cold and he warmed her. She was hot and he cooled her. He was of her and she was of him and there seemed no place that they were separate or solitary in the heady secrets of the flesh.

The happy couple….

Asher Wellingham is the Duke of Carisbrook. Emma Seaton is a lady — or is she???

The set-up….

He sees her swimming naked in a cove. You do the math.

The conflicts….

Pirates.

The romance….

In between all the piratical plot shenanigans, there’s some pretty good chemistry.

The recommendation….

Kind of all over the place story-wise, but I re-read it solely for the backstory of the duke’s younger brother Taris (see below).

Grade: B-

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Mistletoe Magic by Sophia JamesMistletoe Magic (2009)

A maid came in with a large unruly bunch of orange flowers and her breath was caught. ‘Is there a card?’

‘Indeed, miss, there is.’ The maid broke the envelope away from a string that kept it joined to the bouquet, speculation unhidden in the lines of her face.

‘That will be all, thank you,’ Lillian said, waiting until the door was shut before she slit open the card.

I FELT SOMETHING.

The words were in bold capitals with no name attached.

The happy couple….

Lucas Clairmont is a brawny and brawly American in London. Lillian Davenport is a near-spinster revered by the ton as “a paragon of good sense, good taste and good comportment.”

The set-up….

Lillian has a Christmas deadline to bring a man up to scratch, or she will be forced to marry the “eminently sensible, infinitely suitable,” suitor her father has chosen. Just as she’s losing hope, she overhears Lucas threaten to kill her cousin — but before she can sneak away, he makes eye contact and gives her a “licentious and untrammelled” wink.

The conflicts….

Lucas is in England to settle the affairs of his adulterous late wife, and he learns that two nieces he’s never met are now his wards. Lillian’s father is pushing her towards a “safe” husband because his own marriage was volatile and unhappy.

The romance….

The orange flowers. Ohhhhhhh, the orange flowers.

The recommendation….

Yeah, I FELT SOMETHING too. *ahem*

Grade: B+

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The Border Lord by Sophia JamesThe Border Lord (2009)

They did not speak afterwards, each locked in a silence that was their own, a thin and tenuous bond against the secrets that would divide them.

The happy couple….

Lady Grace Stanton is a political prize, but she’s less than a beauty. Lachlan Kerr is the reluctant laird of a neighboring clan.

The set-up….

Arriving a week late for the ceremony, Lachlan takes his late brother’s place as groom within an hour of meeting his plain, stammering bride.

The conflicts….

Lachlan is still bitter and deeply distrustful over the betrayals of his late wife and his late brother, and his pride flares against Grace’s unexpected stubbornness, outspokenness and sense of honor. Meanwhile, he ignores the machinations of his jealous ex-mistress, who turns the clan against the new lady of the manor by blaming Grace for every illness, injury and accident. Also, the dead brother might not be dead.

The romance….

They’re great together in the bedroom, but out in the cold, hard keep, it’s a slow buildup from resentment to grudging respect to fierce loyalty to love.

NOTE: There is a brief bit of infidelity, but nothing comes of it (heh).

The recommendation….

It’s a bit heavy with the political and family intrigue, but it’s satisfying to watch Grace become a strong and vibrant heroine.

Grade: B

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One Unashamed Night by Sophia JamesOne Unashamed Night (2010)

The Wellinghams, Book 2

When he stretched out and groaned she felt the control of a woman with power. Feminine power, the feeling unlike any she had ever experienced.

She did not feel guilty as Frankwell had said that she must, she did not feel sullied or soiled or befouled. Nay, she felt the sheer and utter wonder of it, the bewildering rarity of rightness.

Here. With Taris Wellingham. For this one storm-snowed freezing night.

‘Thank you.’ The words slipped out without recognition as to what she had said. A beholden contentment that broke through all that she had believed of herself or all that a husband steeped in damning religion had believed. In just one touch Frankwell’s hold on the tenure of her moral pureness was gone, replaced simply by comprehension and relief.

She smiled as his fingers began to unlace her bodice and the thin lawn fell away.

The happy couple….

Taris Wellingham, once popular and outgoing, is now a virtual recluse because of his worsening blindness. Newly-widowed Beatrice-Maude Bassingstoke is moving to London to explore her hard-won independence.

The set-up….

When the public coach they’re traveling in crashes into a ditch during a blizzard, Taris and Bea wind up spending the night together (wink, wink) in a barn.

The conflicts….

Beatrice-Maude is not a beauty, and she’s recovering from the horrors of an abusive marriage. Taris is a bit touchy about his blindness – to the point of preferring that people believe he’s a stumbling drunk.

The romance….

Their titular one-night stand in the barn is soooo good, and their relationship evolves to the much-deserved happy ending in a believable and completely swoon-worthy way.

The recommendation….

Oh lordy, I love this book.

Grade: A

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One Illicit Night by Sophia JamesOne Illicit Night (2011)

The Wellinghams, Book 3

Watching a dam break in the circle of flesh, tipping into utter need, his grip tightening in her hair as an anchor, no breath or ease or quiet exploration. Only five years of apartness and ten thousand hours of regret.

The happy couple….

Third son Cristo Wellingham is the black sheep of the family, finally returning to England after a lengthy, mysterious absence. Eleanor Westbury is the young countess of a much older earl.

The set-up….

Five years before the main action, a disguised-as-a-prostitute Eleanor attempts to deliver an all-important letter to a disguised-as-a-degenerate-but-really-a-spy Christo in the Chateau of Ill Repute where he lives, but she wakes up drugged and naked in his bed.

The conflicts….

He fled England because of some youthful wildness, and when he returns, he has to earn the trust of his estranged family. She winds up pregnant from their one-night stand and is desperate to protect their daughter and her dying husband from scandal.

The romance….

The initial not-meet-cute is more than a bit squicky, but when they’re reunited in London five years later, their attraction is palpable and affecting because they’re both too honorable to betray her kindly, protective husband.

The recommendation….

I had to do a full re-read because I couldn’t recall anything beyond the titular encounter, and it wasn’t very satisfying. This story has some serious pacing problems, with a Total Drama Moment happening much too early and resolving much too quickly. Even worse, the all-important letter that Eleanor risks her life to deliver in the proloque — involving the death of her brother at Christo’s hands — is a huge, gaping plot hole that is never addressed again.

Grade: C-

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The Dissolute Duke by Sophia JamesThe Dissolute Duke (2013)

The Wellinghams, Book 4

Lust ignited, an incendiary living torch of need burning bright, like the wick of gunpowder snaking down through his being. Unstoppable.

The happy couple….

Youngest sibling Lady Lucinda Wellingham is a careless flirt who relies on her three older brothers to rescue her from various “scrapes.” Taylen Ellesmere is an Impoverished Duke of Ill Repute with “numerous and shocking depravities” to his name.

The set-up….

Lucinda gets talked into crashing one of Ellesmere’s notorious house parties, and attempts to hide in his bedroom to escape a drunken horde. The duke, wearing nothing but spectacles, decides she’s more fun than reading Machiavelli while his houseguests debauch themselves.

The conflicts….

After a near-fatal carriage accident, amnesiac Lucinda accuses Ellesmere of ruining her. The duke gets the crap beaten out of him by her brothers, takes their bribe to marry her and then flees to America. He returns three years later to claim his bride and sire an heir, and she’s more than a little reluctant to acquiesce.

The romance….

He’s blinded by her sensuous innocence, her lady parts tingle when they touch, blah, blah, blah.

The recommendation….

Again, some serious pacing problems. But even worse, there is nothing new or different about this “ruined by a rake” story. It’s a boring, predictable Regency that only perpetuates the “historicals are dead” genre drama.

Grade: D+

One-Quote Reviews: Strangers on a Train

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I’d go with an “All Aboard!” intro, but that would be too cheesy even for me. Beware of CAPSLOCK OF RAGE and FANGIRL SQUEE (not in the same story, thank god.)

<whining>

Before we get to the good stuff, a brief plea to Samhain Publishing: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FIX YOUR EBOOK FORMATTING. The default 6pt font and forced sans serif is beyond annoying — it makes me cringe every time I open a recent Samhain title. I’m willing to put up with it for trusted authors, but it is a definite barrier to trying new ones.

</whining>

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Back on Track by Donna Cummings

Back on Track by Donna Cummings

  • Title: Back on Track
  • Author: Donna Cummings
  • Series: Strangers on a Train
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.10 ebook)
  • Length: 67 pages
  • Trope(s): Working Girl, Celebrity/Commoner, Athlete
  • Quick blurb: “Two Truths and a Lie” icebreaker leads to a mini-Big-Misunderstanding between a marketing exec and a pro baseball player.
  • Quick review: Not bad, but not memorable.
  • Grade: C

“Does he wear mismatched socks that haven’t been washed in months? To keep a winning streak alive?”

She shook her head, biting back a smile.

“Really?”

“No, he wore smiley-face footie socks. With a tiny pompon in the back.”

Cummings is a new-to-me author, and I didn’t find much of a “voice” in her writing, especially compared to her veteran co-authors. I was put off on the first page by the BFF “patting her perfect blonde hair into place,” the h/h chemistry felt superficial, and I was disappointed that the “wine train” premise wasn’t woven into the story.

Also, the cover is a little eye-rolling — very few (if any) major league pitchers are built like NFL linebackers.

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Tight Quarters by Samantha Hunter

Tight Quarters by Samantha Hunter

  • Title: Tight Quarters
  • Author: Samantha Hunter
  • Series: Strangers on a Train
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.66 ebook)
  • Length: 77 pages
  • Trope(s): Mental Illness, PTSD, Magical Orgasm Cure, Worst Therapist EVER
  • Quick blurb: Claustrophobic writer and retired cop find themselves booked into the same sleeper cabin.
  • Quick review: This story PISSED ME OFF. A LOT.
  • Grade: D (very, very close to being a DNF)

He wanted to tell her he was sorry for being so cavalier about her phobia. Anyone who had lived through that hell would end up with some kind of damage, and she was fighting it.

Lesson learned from this story: The only phobias and anxieties worthy of sympathy are those triggered by tragedy and trauma. All others are fair game for shame and ridicule.

In other words, a big FUCK YOU to readers like me who don’t have a heart-wrenching backstory to blame for their irrational fears and panic attacks.

The writing was good — really good. But HELL FUCKING NO on the Magical Orgasm Cure. I’ll save the rest of my CAPSLOCK OF RAGE for my upcoming (someday) theme on mental illness, but here’s a teaser: If a crippling fear disappears in the presence of testosterone, it’s not a “phobia.” IT DOESN”T WORK THAT WAY.

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Ticket Home by Serena Bell

Ticket Home by Serena Bell

  • Title: Ticket Home
  • Author: Serena Bell
  • Series: Strangers on a Train
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.66 ebook)
  • Length: 77 pages
  • Trope(s): Workaholism, Reunited, Daddy Issues
  • Quick blurb: Workaholic entrpreneur tries to woo his ex back home.
  • Quick review: Adding this to my Swoon-Worthy Grand Gestures list.
  • Grade: B+

“So is that why you ran away?”

“I ran away, she said through gritted teeth, “because you were an asshole.”

I was floored when I learned this was Bell’s first published title. More like this, and she’ll be on my auto-buy list.

The only thing that kept this story from an “A” grade was the bit with the daddy issues — it felt like a too-much-thought-out attempt to give the heroine an angsty backstory to explain away her reluctance. The hero was an asshole, and his bringing up her manipulative father was just as manipulative.

I wavered on the final grade a bit…. Use of the phrase “ate his mouth like a starving woman” was groan-inspiring, but then I had to give bonus points for Big Brooklyn Guy’s one-liner at the end.

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Thank You For Riding by Meg Maguire

Thank You For Riding

  • Title: Thank You For Riding
  • Author: Meg Maguire
  • Series: Strangers on a Train
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.66 ebook)
  • Length: 72 pages
  • Trope(s): Trapped in a Subway Station, Smartass Heroine, Book-Reading-Glasses-Wearing Hero
  • Quick blurb: Platelet-donating, library-card-carrying man and recently-dumped accountant take advantage of being trapped in a subway station.
  • Quick review: A combination of perfect setting, characters and tone make this a truly sexy and romantic story.
  • Grade: A

Did I mention I live alone with a cat? Just got dumped, workaholic and occasionnally eats half a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese for dinner? With chopsticks? Get on this hot mess with your man-broom before someone else sweeps me up!

Everything about this story worked for me, especially the heroine’s stream-of-consciousness internal monologuing. Using chopsticks to eat shredded cheese out of the bag is BRILLIANT.

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Big Boy by Ruthie Knox

Big Boy by Ruthie Knox

  • Title: Big Boy
  • Author: Ruthie Knox
  • Series: Strangers on a Train
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.10 ebook)
  • Length: 72 pages
  • Trope(s): In Disguise, Role Play, Museum Sex,
  • Quick blurb: Once-a-month role-playing encounters turn into something more for a struggling single mother.
  • Quick review: Dear Ms. Knox: Wow. Love, Kelly.
  • Grade: A

Tonight, I want a sliver of honesty to pierce the illusion. A splinter of reality to carry in my pocket all month, to cherish with my fingertips, thinking of him.

Here comes the FANGIRL SQUEE, and you knew it was coming because I haven’t been shy about my author crush on Knox.

Every time I read her, something new and different knocks me over, and sometimes I can’t even figure out exactly what or why. With Big Boy, it’s the atmosphere. The dark, uneasy, secretive, lonely atmosphere. And she pulled it off in first person present tense. As my tweenager would say: “Mind. Blown.” (You’ll have to just imagine the required hand gestures.)

And with every Knox story, it’s her authorial voice. Distinct and memorable, but different every time. Knox inhabits her characters — and that’s something that will always keep me reading.

Hmm… That was a lot of italics. The next Knox book will have me using HOT PINK BOLD ITALIC ALLCAPS, and she’ll have only herself to blame.

More Naughty Norsemen: The Bodice-Ripping Era

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For round two of our romp through Viking romance, we’ll focus on three vintage titles from the beloved old-skool era of Forced Seduction, Logic Fail and General WTFery.

I didn’t finish any of these — I dragged myself through the first half of each, but couldn’t find any reason to finish.

We’ll start with the least painful and save the vomit-worthy one for last.

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Twin Passions by Miriam Minger

Twin Passions by Miriam Minger

  • Title: Twin Passions
  • Author: Miriam Minger
  • Series: N/A
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: Paperjacks, November 1988 (self-pub ebook re-release 2010)
  • Source: Amazon (free promo, currently $3.99)
  • Length: 309 pages
  • Trope(s): Vikings
  • Quick blurb: Kidnapped by Vikings! Twin-Switching!
  • Quick review: A great start completely derailed by a ginormous Logic Fail at the halfway point.
  • Grade: DNF

Their melded bodies, bathed in a fine sheen of perspiration, were one in a wild dance of passion, swirling ever upward on a wave of rapture so intense that Gwendolyn thought she would surely die from the surging sensations.

Oh, I had such high hopes for this one. Because, really, with an original cover featuring lookalikes of pre-makeover Melanie Griffith in Working Girl and that chick from Crocodile Dundee and a random fake-tan Dynasty-type dude, in costumes from a period in history that never existed, how could this NOT be a winner?

Twin Passions by Miriam Minger - original 1988 cover

BOUND BY VIRTUE, HOSTAGE TO LOVE

Alas, it was not meant to be. I was fully engaged with this one right up until The Deflowering, in which the sight of boobs renders the hero so stupid that he doesn’t even notice that he’s bedding a different woman, who used to be a man.

kill-the-wabbit

Kinda like this. But not really.

He also fails to notice the whip marks from a flogging with a studded lash that he himself inflicted hours earlier. WTFery, indeed.

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Viking! by Connie Mason

Viking! by Connie Mason

  • Title: Viking!
  • Author: Connie Mason
  • Series: N/A
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: Leisure Books, July 1998 (self-pub ebook re-release 2012)
  • Source: Amazon ($3.99)
  • Length: 309 pages
  • Trope(s): Vikings
  • Quick blurb: Kidnapped by Vikings! Accusations of Witchcraft! Fake Marriage! Or Maybe It’s Real!?!
  • Quick review: The hero’s name is Thorne the Relentless. His sword is named Blood-drinker.
  • Grade: DNF

“The vital element missing in my dreams was the pleasure of piercing your sweet flesh with my mighty sword.”

Yes, I paid actual money for this. Shut up.

It wasn’t painful, but there wasn’t enough purple prose to make it worthwhile. I’ll let the rest of the quotes demonstrate the necessity of the DNF….

View the story “Viking! by Connie Mason” on Storify

…but let’s take a closer look at the original cover, shall we?

Viking! by Connie Mason

I’m guessing the publisher charged extra for the embossed golden V pointing directly at his throbbing manhood.

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Educational Visual Interlude

To prepare for the Shriveling of the Brain Cells (see below), let us examine the intricacies of Norse mythology:

_viking_dance

The mysterious “Let’s Get High Before We
Sacrifice A Goat To Thor” Dance of the Merry Vikings

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Fires of Winter by Johanna Lindsey

Fires of Winter by Johanna Lindsey

  • Title: Fires of Winter
  • Author: Johanna Lindsey
  • Series: Haardrad Viking Family, Book 1
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: Avon, September 1980 (self-pub ebook re-release 2010)
  • Source: Amazon (currently $1.99)
  • Length: 309 pages
  • Trope(s): Vikings
  • Quick blurb: Kidnapped by Vikings! Forced Seduction! Heroine Who Dresses Like A Boy!
  • Quick review: If I had finished this, it would have been an F-minus. It was DREADFUL.
  • Grade: DNF

That proud beast would surely tear her asunder and render her screaming for mercy.

When I started live-tweeting this, more than a few people claimed this book as their first adult romance. It’s a damn good thing I didn’t read this in 1980, because I would have been SCARRED FOR LIFE.

View the story “Fires of Winter by Johanna Lindsey” on Storify

I knew going in that this book is one of the infamous “forced seduction” romances. The opening chapter made a joke of rape, and The Deflowering scene is now burned in my memory as one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read. It might have worked as a parody, but the attempted humor was painfully uncomfortable.

By that point in the book, the Cringe Factor was already in a death spiral, primarily because of the TSTL female lead, who is now burned in my memory as the WORST “HEROINE” EVER. She would be the cause of the “doing unspeakable things to my Kindle” thing I mentioned in a previous post.

Fires of Winter by Johanna Lindsey - original 1980 cover

The original cover is the ONLY
good thing about this book.

And the writing. Uff da. Oy. UGH. I have a few others by Lindsey buried deep in the TBR queue, and I’m heartened by the fact that Fires of Winter was one of her earliest works. Honestly, without that knowledge, I would never read anything of hers again.

My Kindle notes include gems like these:

(1) Tigers aren’t venomous.

(2) There were no turkeys in medieval Norway.

(3) Ravens don’t wear cloaks.

And the heroine’s eyes. MY GOD, PEOPLE, SHE HAS GREY EYES! Not just ordinary grey eyes. These are stormy, cold, steely, silver, stormy, icy, evil, curious, flashing, wild, stormy, brooding, cunning, stormy  (did I mention STORMY???) grey eyes that glare, glance, shoot daggers, menace, narrow, darken, squint, accuse, disbelieve, pierce, sting, defy, baffle, sparkle, dart, ignite, glow, smolder and rage.

And the so-called “hero” doesn’t even name his sword. What kind of Viking doesn’t name his sword???

wabbit3

♫ ”My spear and magic helmet…” ♫

There’s more — much more — to snark about, but it’s not worth the effort. There was NOTHING to redeem this book, and it’s going to take some SERIOUS loin-girding to get me to try another by Johanna Lindsey.

Backlist Binge: Julia Justiss

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As promised, the highs and lows of Harlequin Historical author Julia Justiss, presented in chronological order (minus the anthologies). Cover images link to Goodreads.

In summary: Justiss does widows, courtesans and angsty heroes really, really well. Her debutantes and rakes, however, are generally just wallpaper.

A word of warning: You can’t have Hal Waterman. He’s MINE.

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The Wedding Gamble (1999)

The Wedding Gamble by Julia Justiss

“Marriage to the
marquess was a risk!”

The happy couple….

Sarah Wellingford is the eldest sister of a family impoverished by their late father’s gambling. Nicholas Stanhope, Marquess of Englemere, is engaged to Sarah’s wild-child best friend.

The set-up….

After Englemere’s fiancee throws the ring at him one too many times, Sarah steps in to smooth things over. Her calm demeanor and family sob story impress him so much that he offers a marriage of convenience to help her save her family’s estate.

The conflicts….

The conflict alluded to in the title is Sarah’s understandable reluctance to marry a man who recouped his family’s fortune at the gaming tables. But the real drama arises later in the story when Sarah’s Long-Lost Love reappears, and the Evil Baron who attempted to blackmail her into marriage stages revenge.

The romance….

The marriage of convenience trope is done really, really well in the first third of the book, and the last third has some very strong scenes involving the Lost Love and the Evil Baron. But the middle drags with too many forced Big Misunderstandings in the early days of their marriage.

The recommendation….

Despite the pacing problems, this is a memorable and well-written Regency, and it’s a must-read as a starting point for Justiss’ backlist.

Grade: B

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A Scandalous Proposal (2000)

A Scandalous Proposal by Julia JustissThe happy couple….

Emily Spencer is a struggling soldier’s widow trying to make a life as a London milliner. Evan Mansfield is the slightly rakish but honorable Earl of Cheverley.

The set-up

The earl is stunned stupid by Emily’s beauty when he accompanies his mother to the shop, but he soon comes to her rescue when she’s accosted by ruffian attempting extortion. After some angstifying, she decides to show him just how thankful she is.

The conflicts….

Evan is quietly jealous of Emily’s war-hero late husband, but that’s nothing compared to the Secret Son she’s hiding from her Evil Father-In-Law.

The romance….

The initial chemistry between Emily and Evan makes their affair seem inevitable, but Justiss gives equal focus on the relationship-building that turns their insta-lust into an emotional, messy love.

The recommendation….

The only thing that keeps this from being an A grade is the fairy-tale-ish resolution, in which our shopkeeper heroine is revealed to be Of Noble Birth and is Restored to Her Proper Place in Society – a trope that always seems like a cop-out to suddenly achieve the equality they need to get married.

Grade: B+

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The Proper Wife (2001)

The Proper Wife by Julia JustissSeries: The Wellingfords, Book 2

The happy couple….

Clarissa Beaumont is the wild-child ex-fiancee of the Marquess of Englemere, hero of the first book in the series. Colonel St. John (aka Sinjin) Sandiford is the Long-Lost Love of Lady Sarah, heroine of the first book in the series.

The set-up….

When Sinjin returns from war, his first objective is to find a wife with the same serene personality as his first love. Instead, he finds himself fighting his overwhelming attraction to rowdy Lady Clarissa.

The conflicts….

Clarissa’s recklessness puts Sinjin’s protective instincts into overdrive, and she chafes at his constant reminders of her lack of propriety. A rather unexpected bit of melodrama involving a jilted suitor pops up towards the end of the book.

The romance….

A true enemies-to-lovers relationship, with a lot of steamy mental lusting and behind-the-garden-hedges smooching.

The recommendation….

Clarissa comes *thisclose* to being TSTL by accepting a wager in the beginning of the book – but KEEP READING. Justiss allows her to evolve from a hoyden into worthy heroine.

Grade: B

 *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My Lady’s Trust (2002)

My Lady's Trust by Julia JustissSeries: The Spymaster, Book 1

The happy couple….

Laura Martin is a local healer who lives a solitary life to keep her Secret Past a secret. Hugh “Beau” Bradsleigh, Earl of Beaulieu, is a sometime-spy known as “The Puzzlebreaker” for his skills with mathematical proofs and traitor-hunting.

The set-up….

When his younger brother is accidentally shot while hunting with friends, the earl is immediately intrigued by the mysterious nurse who refuses to answer his questions.

The conflicts….

Laura has a truly compelling reason for her disguise and deceptions, but Beau’s need to solve her problems leads her into greater danger.

The romance….

Beau slowly earns Laura’s trust (hence the title), and when they finally get to the good stuff, the imminent Black Moment makes it even sweeter and angstier.

The recommendation….

Although the supposedly brilliant earl has a MAJOR fuck-up moment, he grovels appropriately and redeems himself heroically – and Laura is a truly memorable heroine.

Grade: B+

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My Lady’s Pleasure (2002)

My Lady's Pleasure by Julia JustissSeries: The Spymaster, Book 2

The happy couple….

Valeria Arnold is a soldier’s widow struggling to keep her late husband’s small estate running while fending off her neighbor’s ambitious mother. Teagan Fitzwilliams is a half-Irish gambler who’s been disowned by his aristocratic family.

The set-up….

Although she’s a widow, Valeria is a virgin – until Teagan shows up on her property while escaping a raunchy party at a nearby hunting box. They’re unexpectedly reunited at a ball in London where, thanks to her late husband’s cranky grandmother, Valeria is making her very belated come-out.

The conflicts….

They both want more than friendship, but she must respect her dying patron’s wishes and he believes himself to be unworthy. A quiet but determined alternate suitor appears at opportune moments to make our unhappy couple rethink their lusty thoughts.

The romance….

The virginal widowed heroine seduces the reluctant rakish hero. And the sexy times are indeed very pleasurable. Need I say more?

The recommendation….

I originally gave this a B, but after re-reading I realized how unique and complex these characters are, and how skillfully Justiss re-invents common Regency tropes.

Grade: A-

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My Lady’s Honor (2002)

My Lady's HonorSeries: The Spymaster, Book 3

FULL DISCLOSURE: I did not actually re-read this one because I’m still pissed off from reading it the first time two years ago.

The happy couple….

Newly-orphaned Gwennor Southford needs a proper marriage to prevent her younger brother from being sent to an asylum. Gilen de Mowbry, Viscount St. Abrams, is a self-righteous, whiny WANKER.

The set-up….

As they flee from their “odious cousin,” Gwennor and her brother find temporary safety with a local Romany clan. Gilen sees her dancing, decides she’s a Gypsy Slut, attempts to shame her into being his mistress, and then accuses her of being a thief and a con artist.

The conflicts….

An irrational, stupid, and ENDLESS Big Misunderstanding from start to finish. Because the hero is a self-righteous, whiny FUCKWAD.

The romance….

It’s hard to call this a romance because there’s NOTHING romantic about a hero who’s a self-righteous, whiny ASSHOLE.

The recommendation….

If the words wanker, fuckwad and asshole didn’t clue you in, I didn’t like this book. AT ALL.

For a more coherent description of this anti-romance, the Publisher’s Weekly review sums up the horror without quite as much NSFW language.

Grade: F

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wicked Wager (2003)

Wicked WagerThe happy couple….

Jenna Montague Fairchild is the widow and daughter of war heroes who has followed the drum all her life.  Lord Anthony Nelthorpe is a repentant rake, suffering from a painful war injury and determined to distance himself from his infamously debauched father.

The set-up….

The night before Jenna’s marriage to her late husband, Tony lured her to an isolated spot to attempt a seduction – but he wasn’t expecting the knife in her boot. When they meet again in London, Tony attempts to pull her out of her grief and depression by wagering that she can make him respectable again.

The conflicts….

She’s still grieving for her husband and father, and she doesn’t trust him, for good reason. He must hide the extent of his father’s alcoholism. Oh – and all the murder attempts.

The romance….

While Tony’s transformation and redemption is believable, it was difficult to view him as a hero because of the off-page “forced seduction.”

The recommendation….

This was an unexpected and unusual premise for a historical romance, but when the suspense bits devolved into a Kidnapping Melodrama, I lost faith a little. Luckily, a lovely – and very romantic – ending raised the overall score.

Grade: B

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The Untamed Heiress (2006)

The Untamed HeiressThe happy couple….

Helena Lambarth is a 21-year-old waif who has been a virtual prisoner in her father’s house for nearly 10 years. Adam Darnell has recently inherited his father’s title and his ruinous gambling debts.

The set-up….

When Helena’s father dies, she finally escapes her captivity and travels to London to live with her missing mother’s distant cousin Lady Darnell – Adam’s stepmother.

The conflicts….

The heroine’s Extreme Makeover from malnourished ugly duckling into Regency swan turns Adam’s head and unleashes his fiancee’s vicious jealousy.

The romance….

It’s there, but it’s primarily repetitive mental lusting followed by self-shaming until the last few chapters.

The recommendation….

The opening was brilliant – but Helena’s transformation was nearly nauseating, especially when it showcased her perfect recall of the literature, music and horsemanship she mastered at AGE TEN.

Grade: C-

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Rogue’s Lady (2007)

Rogue's LadyThe happy couple….

Allegra Antinori is the orphaned daughter of an aristocratic English mother and an Italian musician father. William Tavener is an impoverished rake who has inherited a run-down estate.

The set-up….

Will is on a bride hunt for an heiress, but he can’t keep his eyes off Allegra – despite her “dubious lineage and humble dowry.”

The conflicts….

The Evil Step-Mother (or step-distant-aunt-in-law or something like that) puts the moves on the hero, while the heroine insists on pining after her stodgy cousin.

The romance….

The chemistry is there, but the relationship-building is just a series of encounters at balls, musicales and carriage rides in Hyde Park.

The recommendation….

A predictable and disappointing Cinderella story – complete with an “Oh, wait, never mind! She’s really a duchess!” cop-out ending.

Grade: C-

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A Most Unconventional Match (2007)

A Most Unconventional MatchSeries: The Wellingfords,  Book 3

The happy couple….

Elizabeth Wellingford Lowery is a sheltered young widow overwhelmed by the sudden loss of her protective older husband. Hal Waterman is an aristocrat, but he’s also a financier and entrepreneur – and he’s physically ginormous with a speech impediment.

The set-up….

Hal comes to Elizabeth’s rescue when she’s accosted by a conniving debt collector, and he overcomes his shyness enough to volunteer his expertise in putting her estate to rights.

The conflicts….

Hal’s ambitious mama is determined to marry off her embarrassing lunk of a son. Elizabeth is still grieving and struggling with her young son, her late husband’s slimy best friend is trying to make her his mistress, and she’s a talented artist with no outlet for her work.

The romance….

Ohhhhh, the romance. When Hal learns Elizabeth is a painter and arranges a private viewing at the Royal Academy exhibition…. *~*SWOON*~* And when Elizabeth finally decides to seduce Hal and asks him to pose in a toga…. OMG *~*SWOON*~* <thud>

The recommendation….

I love this book sooooooo much. It’s on my DIK list.

Grade: A

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From Waif to Gentleman’s Wife (2009)

From Waif to Gentleman's WifeSeries: The Wellingfords, Book 4

The happy couple….

Joanna Merrill is a young soldier’s widow (are you sensing a theme here?) unfairly dismissed from a governess position. Sir Edward (Ned) Greaves is a gentleman farmer who’s taken on the management of a neglected estate as a favor for a friend.

The set-up….

When cast-out governess Joanna arrives starving and penniless at the estate where her brother is supposedly working, she learns he’s been missing for months.

The conflicts….

In addition to restoring the tenant farms that Joanna’s brother left to ruin, Sir Edward must also find the instigators of local Luddite uprisings. While disguising himself as plain ol’ untitled Ned.

The romance….

In amongst the political unrest, there’s some good chemistry – but because all the conflict is external, neither Joanna nor Edward grow much as characters, and the relationship-building suffers.

The recommendation….

I gave it a B+ the first time I read it, but it doesn’t hold up as well on re-read.

Grade: B-

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The Smuggler and the Society Bride (2010)

The Smuggler and the Society BrideFULL DISCLOSURE: I did not actually re-read this one because I remember some significant eye-rolling the first time around. And not just over the dopey title. Or the dopey cover.

The happy couple….

Lady Honoria Carlow is a disgraced debutante living in exile in Cornwall with her equally scandalous aunt. Capt. Gabriel Hawksworth is an Irishman doing temporary duty as a smuggler as a favor for a friend.

The set-up….

Honoria stumbles across Gabe’s gang of free-traders in action, and he’s forced to draw her close to shut her up.

The conflicts….

The usual “clueless maiden vs manly man” nonsense.

The romance….

All I remember is thinking “what in the HELL does he see in her???”

The recommendation….

This is the only other Justiss book that I recommend AVOIDING.

Grade: D+

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Society’s Most Disreputable Gentleman (2011)

Society's Most Disreputable GentlemanSeries: The Wellingfords, Book 5

The happy couple….

Amanda Neville is a baron’s daughter about to make her belated debut in London. Greville Anders is the brother of From Waif to Gentleman’s Wife heroine Joanna – the man who royally fucked up his one shot at being an estate manager.

The set-up….

Amanda is looking forward to her debut at age 25 after spending years caring for her family through several tragedies. When her father agrees to play host to an injured veteran at the request of a marquess, she’s expecting a decorated officer – not a half-dead common sailor.

The conflicts….

Amanda’s main source of angst is her obnoxious teenage cousin. On the other hand, Greville is all angst, all the time, and Justiss makes good work of it. Instead of hanging on to his bitterness about being press-ganged into the navy, Greville wises up and attempts to restore his honor.

The romance….

While the chemistry is strong, the road to happiness is disappointingly repetitive and predictable.

The recommendation….

Not the best of the series, but worth reading for a great hero redemption story.

Grade: B-

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The Courtesan (2012)

The Courtesan by Julia Justiss

The happy couple….

Lady Belle is a former courtesan rejoicing in her hard-won freedom after her vile protector dies. Capt. Jack Carrington is a newly-returned war hero who wants nothing more than to return to his mother and sister.

The set-up….

As he’s unpacking his bags in London, Jack’s friends drag him off to view a fencing master’s latest protégé – who just happens to be Lady Belle. The rake-filled crowd of spectators challenges Jack to a match with Lady Belle, and she winds up nearly killing him when the cork tip comes off her foil.

The conflicts….

Jack is fully conscious of his mother’s status as an earl’s daughter, and knows he must avoid scandal during his sister’s come-out. Lady Belle has the angst overload this time, what with her disgraceful past and her penchant for protecting waifs from evil brothel owners.

The romance….

Ohhhh, the romance. Watching Jack learn to admire Lady Belle and earn her trust is ever so swoon-worthy. And Lady Belle is such a deliciously complex heroine.

The recommendation….

This book is nearly perfect until the end, when Lady Belle is miraculously Restored to Her Proper Place in Society. A single anecdote in the first chapter makes this scenario wildly unbelievable.

Grade: B

At Every Turn by Anne Mateer

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At Every Turn by Anne Mateer

  • Title: At Every Turn
  • Author: Anne Mateer
  • Series: N/A
  • Genre(s): Historical, Inspirational
  • Publisher: Bethany House, September 2012
  • Source: ARC provided by publisher ($9.99 ebook)
  • Length: 320 pages
  • Trope(s): Perky Plucky Heroine, Painfully Earnest Cluelessness, Love Triangle, Mid-Level Misunderstandings
  • Quick blurb: Spoiled young woman must find a way to raise money she impulsively pledged for a church mission project.
  • Quick review: Another one for the “disappointed” list….
  • Grade: C-

I fought a ridiculous desire to throw myself into his arms. Instead, I pulled back my shoulders and lifted my chin. “Show me the way.” And he did just that.

This could have been so good — SO GOOD — but the lack of subtlety and tension early in the story, and the lifeless writing, left me dwelling on my annoyances with the heroine.

I knew Alyce would undergo some much-needed Life Lessons, but her initial poor-little-rich-girl cluelessness, reinforced by the first-person POV, came *thatclose* to being TSTL and a DNF. It isn’t until well into the second half that we finally get a brief glimpse of the passion for car racing that turns her into the heroine I was expecting.

And while I knew from other reviews that this title is much preachier (is that a word?) than what I’m usually comfortable with, I was not prepared for the UNBEARABLY cloying and cringe-worthy way the Africa mission plot point was presented. Historically accurate, yes, but most definitely not in a good way, and it’s a huge risk to take in drawing in modern readers.

The Duchess War and A Kiss for Midwinter by Courtney Milan

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The Duchess War

The Duchess War by Courtney Milan

  • Title: The Duchess War
  • Author:  Courtney Milan
  • Series: Brothers Sinister, Book 1
  • Genre(s): Historical (Victorian)
  • Publisher: Self-Published, December 2012
  • Source: Amazon ($3.99 ebook)
  • Length: ??? pages (5068 Kindle locations)
  • Trope(s): Tragic Past, Parental Issues, In Disguise, Virgin Hero, Smartass Heroine, Blundering Hero
  • Quick blurb: Progressive but guilt-ridden duke brings unwanted attention to heroine who’s desperate to remain an overlooked wallflower.
  • Quick review: A lot I really liked and a few things that just didn’t work.
  • Grade: B-

Favorite quotes:

  1. “I’m winning,” he announced. “You can’t bore me into a surrender.”
  2. “Don’t tell me to look up. Don’t ask me to want. If I do, I’ll never survive.”
  3. “I’ve always found that the quickest way to make someone relent in his foolish edicts is to take every command literally and to perform it with flagrant obedience.”
  4. “A paste emergency!” she huffed. “A paste assault, that’s what we had.”
  5. It wasn’t fair that he could rob her heart of anger and her lungs of air with just one word.
  6. “The male of the human species has a fundamental flaw. At the moment when we most want to say something clever and impressive, all the blood rushes from our brains.”
  7. His voice was rough when he spoke again. “So beat me to flinders,” he said. “Win. Overmatch me, Minnie. And when we’re alone…” His fingers touched her chin lightly. “When we’re alone,” he whispered, “look up.”
  8. She was a shard of stained glass, casting colors about the room, and yet capable of slicing everything she touched.
  9. “No,” Minnie said bitterly. “I earned this, fair and square.” Well, maybe it hadn’t been fair. And maybe it hadn’t been precisely square. Still, she’d earned it legally. Legally and…rectangularly. That would have to do.
  10. It was messy and slippery and wrong, and it felt so, so damned right.

Stuff I liked:

  1. Heroine named Minerva. I am a complete sucker for this.
  2. Hero who’s an anti-Duke.
  3. Heroine who isn’t a TSTL doormat.
  4. Victorian NON-LONDON, NON-COUNTRY-HOUSE-PARTY setting.
  5. Relationship between Robert and his illegitimate half-brother Oliver (“…because he chose me first”).
  6. Robert struggling with his loyalties between Minnie and Oliver.
  7. Severe anxiety issue that doesn’t evaporate with a Magical Orgasm Cure.
  8. Awkward wedding night with Robert shutting his eyes and thinking of England and Minnie unashamedly taking matters into her own hands (literally).
  9. Dowager Duchess swooping in à la Lady Catherine de Bourgh and then acknowledging the literary reference herself.
  10. The non-threatening reason for the “Brothers Sinister” name of the series.

Stuff that didn’t work for me:

  1. Repetitive angstifying (on both sides) after the meet-cute and before the Paste Incident. I really struggled with the book until I got past the halfway point.
  2. Needlessly blatant telegraphing of yet another upcoming round of angst (“…a blood-red portent of things to come”).
  3. The over-the-topness of the Dowager Duchess (except for the incident mentioned above) with a complete personality overhaul in the schmaltzy epilogue as she turns into the perfect grandparent.
  4. The goat rampage. Yes, I was warned, but sheesh. Was that really necessary? I think NOT.
  5. On the whole, I found it surprisingly earnest and heavy-handed, without Milan’s trademark dark humor that sets her writing apart.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A Kiss for Midwinter

A Kiss for Midwinter by Courtney Milan

  • Title: A Kiss for Midwinter
  • Author:  Courtney Milan
  • Series: Brothers Sinister, Book 1.5
  • Genre(s): Historical (Victorian)
  • Publisher: Self-Published, December 2012
  • Source: Amazon (99¢ ebook)
  • Length: 121 pages
  • Trope(s): Ruined by a Rake Predator, Parental Issues, Blundering Hero, Non-Euphemistic References to Naughty Bits
  • Quick blurb: Eleventh prettiest girl in Leicester rebuffs wooing of doctor who knows her secret.
  • Quick review: I loved this one almost as much as A Governess Affair.
  • Grade: A-

Favorite quotes:

  1. “Work your way on to number twelve,” she snapped. “Number eleven wants nothing more to do with you.”
  2. But it was too late. Miss Lydia Charingford wasn’t just on the list. She was the list, and he hoped God would have mercy on his soul.
  3. She leaned in and whispered. “Let me tell you a secret. I’m not stupid.”
  4. “Well,” she finally said, “you’re doing it wrong.”
  5. Even if she swooned at whatever poetic nonsense he managed to spout, she would only be disappointed once they grew comfortable with each other and he went back to making jokes about death and gonorrhea.
  6. “Maybe,” he said, “I’m thinking that the days are dark and long, that midwinter is approaching. Maybe, Miss Charingford, all I really want is a kiss.”
  7. “I believe,” he said, “that there is a special place in hell for those who steal truth. And that man—whoever he is—I hope he is burning there.”
  8. “Once you speak,” he said, “you have no equal.”
  9. “Sometimes,” she said, “it feels like there are some hurts that can only be cured by this. By warmth. And touch.”
  10. “I suppose it’s too much to hope that you have a question about gonorrhea. Those questions are so much easier to answer.”
  11. There was the mistletoe piled on a market table, a poisonous, parasitic reminder that kisses could lie.
  12. Even the way he talked to her. It was outrageous. It was blunt. It was impossible. And it was…precisely what she needed, the truth boned and filleted without garnish or flourish, placed in front of her for her decision. He made her wants seem ordinary instead of dark and dangerous.
  13. “The truth isn’t a gift,” she told him. “It’s a terror. And every time I look at you, I feel it.
  14. He’d never noticed before how much a breath could say. It seemed more than the transportation of air to lungs. The act of breathing with another person—of accepting silence together, of simply living in tune with the rhythm of someone else’s existence—was deeply intimate. They said more to each other with quiet respiration than they’d managed in sixteen months of bickering. [*SWOON*]
  15. I only said I would stop talking to you, he’d written. I never promised to stop loving you. [O.M.G. *~*~*SWOON*~*~* <thud>]

(Yes, I know that was longer than the list for the longer novel. Just shut up and keep reading.)

Stuff I loved:

  1. Blundering hero who knows when to just shut up and listen.
  2. Troubled heroine who finally learns to start talking.
  3. Lydia’s quiet but loving-no-matter-what relationship with her parents, especially her father.
  4. Jonas struggling with love for and utter frustration with his aging father, and no Magic Grandchild Cure in the epilogue.
  5. Jokes about gonorrhea. This novella had all the dark humor the novel was missing.
  6. The sense of equality between Lydia and Jonas, as a romantic couple and as equally important characters who are never shoved to the sidelines for the sake of the plot.
  7. The achingly lovely intimate moments with no dialogue.
  8. Use of the word “ensorcellment.”
  9. Non-kissy references to mistletoe. Yes, it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m bitter and cranky and I haven’t started drinking yet. Shut up.
  10. Fascinating history without gratuitous info-dumping. I love it when authors are bigger nerds than I am.

Stuff I didn’t love:

  1. The premise seemed a bit too similar to A Governess Affair, with a gruff but sensitive hero overcoming the fears of a ruined heroine.
  2. See item #1. Other than that, I got nothing.

The Spy Who Saved Christmas by Dana Marton

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The Spy Who Saved Christmas by Dana Marton

  • Title: The Spy Who Saved Christmas
  • Author: Dana Marton
  • Series/Category: Intrigue
  • Genre(s): Contemporary, Suspense
  • Publisher: Harlequin, October 2010
  • Source: Amazon, $3.82
  • Length: 219 pages
  • Trope(s): Virgin Heroine, Angsty Spy, Plot Moppets (x2), Secret Baby (x2), AWOL Underwear, Unauthorized Use of Prep Table
  • Quick blurb: Lady Butcher has Secret Babies with Fake-Dead Biker Baker Black Ops Guy. Also, it’s Christmas.
  • Quick review: A quick and goofy holiday read, but not quite as much gleeful fun as Black Sheep Sheik.
  • Grade: B
  1. kelly_instalove
    Spy Who Saved Christmas, chapter 1 – heroine has already kneed hero in the nads and head-butted him. Bring it ON.
  2. kelly_instalove
    Spy Who Saved Xmas, ch 2: “What was it with them and food preparation surfaces?”
  3. kelly_instalove
    “Is that why, instead of staying at a safe house…you insisted on coming with me to steal a deadly virus from a bunch of terrorists?”
  4. kelly_instalove
    “Tonight. Five minutes to midnight. Down by the river at the foot of the old railroad bridge.” !!! (hold me)
  5. kelly_instalove
    “She looked like she was trying to decide whether to cry or strangle him. Since she wasn’t the weepy kind, things didn’t look good for him.”
  6. kelly_instalove
    “…not only would she have been happy to see his ten-point buck, she would have gutted, skinned and chopped it all up for him. (1/2)
  7. kelly_instalove
    (2/2) “She was a helluva woman by his standards.” [Heroine is a 6-ft-tall butcher, in case you were wondering]
  8. kelly_instalove
    Hero is Biker Black Ops kind of guy who also bakes. His crusty roll recipe is coveted, especially since his fake death in bakery fire.
  9. Fibrobabe
    @kelly_instalove A black ops biker with a heart of pastry dough.
  10. kelly_instalove
    @Fibrobabe I’m kind of disappointed he doesn’t call heroine “sugar”
  11. kelly_instalove
    @Fibrobabe they’re in Pennsylvania, so maybe “my sweet funnel cake” instead
  12. Fibrobabe
    @kelly_instalove If it’s a Christmas story, “my fruity Weihnachtsstollen.”
  13. kelly_instalove
    @Fibrobabe I hope they’re not Swedish, because lutefisk and lefse would ruin the mood.
  14. Fibrobabe
    @kelly_instalove I’m not sure how I’d feel about being called a “darling rugelach” if he’s Jewish.
  15. kelly_instalove
    She: “You can’t have bad aim and wield a cleaver for a living.” He: “Hand-eye coordination is a beautiful thing.”
  16. WARNING: Random and gratuitous inclusion of Fake SyFy monsters ahead!
  17. kelly_instalove
    @oddmonstr I’m feeling the need to do a Storify mashup of my book snark and your movie pics
  18. oddmonstr
    @kelly_instalove I think that would rock! Do you need more sand sharks? Because there’s like 4 now and they’re chasing Brooke Hogan
  19. Oh, sorry…. Where were we?
  20. kelly_instalove
    He: “To get those boys back, you would have teamed up with the devil.” She: “Maybe I did.” (Boys = Secret Babies) (Twins, of course. Duh.)
  21. kelly_instalove
    Lady Butcher is OK with blood and innards, but scared of bugs. Especially spiders in outhouses.
  22. ann_somerville
    @kelly_instalove ah, so female stereotyping not entirely absent, even if ridiculous
  23. kelly_instalove
    @ann_somerville Hero’s partner’s girlfriend wants their next deer hunting trip to be catch-and-release
  24. kelly_instalove
    “It was like walking into a fantasy. A centerfold operating heavy machinery.” (Hero recalling Lady Butcher using industrial meat grinder)
  25. kelly_instalove
    He: “I always thought you looked not in a hairnet.” She: “You were probably distracted by all the machinery I was operating.”
  26. ann_somerville
    @kelly_instalove has this author ever been in a butcher’s shop? smell of raw meat is not enticing
  27. kelly_instalove
    Crap, that last one should have been HOT in a hairnet. Also, auto-correct options for “hairnet” are quite entertaining.
  28. Autocorrect options for “hairnet” include “garnet” and “bairns”
  29. kelly_instalove
    “Hot in a Hairnet” would be a fantastic book title. Someone should write that.
  30. ann_somerville
    @kelly_instalove sequels. ‘Warm in a Wig’. ‘Snug in a Snood’. ‘Bootilicious in a booblehat’ :)
  31. kelly_instalove
    @ann_somerville “Snug in a snood” made my lady parts squirmy, and not in a good way.
  32. kelly_instalove
    @ann_somerville yeah, like a bedazzled hairnet. But I think it was the “snug” part that got me o.0
  33. kelly_instalove
    @sean__kennedy The fez thing is way too Doctor Who *shudder* and I must admit I had to look up trilby *shameface* @ann_somerville
  34. kelly_instalove
    “The next thing he knew, her bra was AWOL.” (His hands are on a humanitarian mission.)
  35. ReaderLas
    @kelly_instalove now I’m tempted to break my rule and read a Christmas story.
  36. We now interrupt this live-tweet for some much-needed sleep….
  37. kelly_instalove
    Live-tweeting of “The Spy Who Saved Christmas” will resume shortly. I know you’re all anxious about the Rendezvous at the Railroad Bridge.
  38. kelly_instalove
    @JenniferRNN I’ll be Storifying. Hero is a Biker Baker Black Ops kind of spy. Heroine is a 6-ft-tall butcher. Yes, really.
  39. JenniferRNN
    @kelly_instalove A biker baker black ops dude??? This sounds awesomely cracktastic.
  40. kelly_instalove
    @JenniferRNN The last discussion before I went to bed was alternate titles for “Hot in a Hairnet.”
  41. kelly_instalove
    @JenniferRNN It was 2 a.m., so “discussion” wasn’t exactly high-brow. And then @oddmonstr kept throwing in SyFy “Sand Shark” pics.
  42. kelly_instalove
    Live-tweeting of “The Spy Who Saved Christmas” is about to resume – for realz this time. I actually had to *work* at the day job today :-P
  43. kelly_instalove
    Chapter 8 – let’s just say the Rendezvous at the Railroad Bridge did not go well. Mostly because the heroine can’t follow directions.
  44. kelly_instalove
    “They probably weren’t used to people begging to be kidnapped…. This was why you didn’t bring a civilian to a hostage exchange, dammit.”
  45. kelly_instalove
    “He was pretty cool during missions. Someone had once compared him to the iceberg that sank the Titanic.”
  46. kelly_instalove
    “She was a woman, falling in love with the man who was the father of her children.” Also, she’s a Cleaver-Wielding 6-Ft-Tall Lady Butcher.
  47. kelly_instalove
    Hero’s newly-married ex-partner: “So anyway, I told her about the twins. And you know how pregnant women are. *OUCH!*.”
  48. kelly_instalove
    “Look, you obviously don’t know anything about intelligence work, lady. It’s an X-K-Red-27 technique.”
  49. kelly_instalove
    “..I know perfectly well that you don’t keep the general public informed when you are “debriefing KGB defectors in a safe house.”
  50. JenniferRNN
    @kelly_instalove I am so going to have to read this. I can see it in my future.
  51. kelly_instalove
    @JenniferRNN Hee – those last two were from A Fish Called Wanda :-)
  52. kelly_instalove
    I’m throwing in marginally relevant movie quotes to liven things up on the long drive to Slaughterhouse Road for the Secret Baby Swap.
  53. ViolettaVane
    @kelly_instalove your description of the ransom gone wrong reminds me of the one in The Big Lebowski where Walter jumps out of the car
  54. kelly_instalove
    @ann_somerville No, but a slaughterhouse is a vertiable treasure trove of weapons for a Lady Butcher who lost her gun.
  55. kelly_instalove
    Success! “We kicked terrorist butt, didn’t we?”
  56. kelly_instalove
    Biker Baker Baby Daddy can tell twins apart after spending 15 minutes of quality time with them in the back of an ambulance.
  57. ann_somerville
    @kelly_instalove of *course* he can. Because he used a marker pen to put a sekrit symbol on one of their ears :)
  58. kelly_instalove
    @JenniferRNN I’m waiting for the scene where he hides his coveted Crusty Roll Recipe inside a diaper @ann_somerville
  59. kelly_instalove
    “Our second time and you’re already bringing up variety? A lesser man could develop a complex.” (1st time was baby making in the bakery)
  60. kelly_instalove
    “Because the first time, on a flour-dusted table, I didn’t know you were a virgin.”
  61. kelly_instalove
    @GrowlyCub 1st time was deflowering on flour-dusted table in bakery. 2nd time 2 years later. In between, he fake-died in bakery fire.
  62. kelly_instalove
    Nookie Night in a cheap motel is apparently really good therapy for recently wounded hips and shoulders.
  63. kelly_instalove
    “The twins were quiet, happy as clams, thanks to their complimentary candy canes.”
  64. kelly_instalove
    “…narrow lips tilted up in an evil smile. Every instinct she had told her that he wasn’t here to do his last-minute Christmas shopping.”

  65. kelly_instalove
    “The way he scurried forward reminded her of a rat running from a sinking ship. Which gave her a really, really bad feeling.”
  66. kelly_instalove
    Chasing a bad guy through a crowded mall is difficult, but even more so when you’re pushing a double-wide baby stroller.
  67. kelly_instalove
    FBI Suit: “You’re here to provide intelligence only… There’ll be no rogue missions here.” Pfffft. AS. IF. It’s a Harlequin Intrigue.
  68. The_Book_Slayer
    @kelly_instalove lol. Who doesn’t love a man in a suit with the added bonus of a badge & gun?!
  69. kelly_instalove
    “Extra attention from a deranged terrorist was the last thing she wanted. Not unless they were one-on-one and she had a cleaver handy.”
  70. kelly_instalove
    “And she was willing to bet a year’s supply of filet mignon….” I personally would only bet six month’s worth of pork chops.
  71. kelly_instalove
    “Blue wire or red wire?” If this was a Bond movie, Q would saunter over and calmly flip the power switch to off.
  72. kelly_instalove
    “The perfect time for swearing his heart out, but he was a father now and just yesterday he had promised himself to let go of that habit.”
  73. kelly_instalove
    “‘Fudge cookies,’ he said instead, with feeling. Then cringed. If his SDDU buddies could hear him now…” THIS is why I love @danamarton.
  74. kelly_instalove
    ““I’ll go home with you for a while. The bread needs time to rise.’ Something between them clearly didn’t.”
  75. kelly_instalove
    He: “We should visit our old friend the dough-kneading table.” She: “The last time you said that, you got me pregnant. Again.”
  76. The_Book_Slayer
    @kelly_instalove This conversation sounds like one I have had with my husband. 0.0 *snickers*
  77. kelly_instalove
    “She had her own life, her own challenges, her own wonderful family. Her very own spymaster who was about to save Christmas. Again.”
  78. ros_clarke
    @kelly_instalove Why don’t I have my very own spymaster to save Christmas again? I’ve always had to share my spymasters.
  79. kelly_instalove
    @ros_clarke You need to move to Hopeville, Pennsylvania. The spies have taken over an entire strip mall.
  80. Best epilogue EVER:

    “Due to the economy, a lot of stores had gone out of business in the small strip mall. And every time one did, the top-secret unit Reid worked for bought the place. They put a man behind the counter as a front. Business continued as usual. But in the sizable attic that stretched above the row of stores, a super high-tech mission center had been sneakily built. Reid had found a way to do his job and still keep them safe. The strip mall’s security—although invisible to the untrained eye—rivaled that of the White House. And since Reid was the coordinator, he rarely left on missions; he arranged for background support when needed, utilizing his considerable knowledge of the field. Oddly, business also began doing better than ever before. The strip mall was gaining steadily in popularity, especially with the ladies. The men on Reid’s team, handsome hunks to the last, didn’t escape notice.”

  81. kelly_instalove
    The End. Happy Holidays! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?

Medieval Mania: More Barbara Samuel

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I just HAD to use the original bodice-ripper covers for these….

A Winter Ballad by Barbara Samuel

  • Title: A Winter Ballad
  • Author: Barbara Samuel
  • Series: N/A
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: HarperCollins, October 1994; self-published, October 2010
  • Source: Amazon, 99¢ promo ($2.99 ebook)
  • Length: 352 pages
  • Trope(s): Knight, Damsel in Distress, Revenge, Evil Sibling, Angst, Tragic Past,
  • Quick blurb: Knight on revenge mission tempted to forego his royal mandate to stay with the woman who saved his life.
  • Quick review: Basically a stripped-down, but oh-so-romantic, version of Pillars of Earth
  • Grade: B+

When he made to draw away, Anya caught his hand below the table. “You did not find me whole,” she said, “and could not leave me less.”

Dying knight, spiritually broken heroine, godless priests, evil and/or missing siblings, curses, plagues, assassination plots…. And smooching. Some really, really good smooching.

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Heart of a Knight by Barbara Samuel

  • Title: Heart of a Knight
  • Author: Barbara Samuel
  • Series: N/A
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: HarperCollins, August 1997; self-published, October 2010
  • Source: Amazon, 99¢
  • Length: 368 pages
  • Trope(s): Gentle Giant, Damsel in Distress, In Disguise
  • Quick blurb: An errant knight mysteriously appears to help a beleaguered noblewoman save her castle
  • Quick review: More of a predictable fairy tale than Bed of Spices, but definitely worth reading
  • Grade: B

Better, she said, to remember it was with women that true power lay. A power quiet and subtle, to be sure, but never to be ignored.

The enigmatic hero is the main focus of the story, but Elizabeth is a really strong and compelling character. No TSTL or doormat heroines in Barbara Samuel’s medieval world, THANK GOD.

World Series of Romance Doubleheader: Baseball, Harlequin-Style

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Yes, I know the World Series is over. It’s not MY fault the Tigers couldn’t hit worth a damn.

The Winner: The Real Deal by Debbi Rawlins

The Real Deal by Debbi Rawlins

  • Title: The Real Deal
  • Author:  Debbi Rawlins
  • Series/Category: Lose Yourself, Book 2 (Blaze)
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Harlequin, November 2010
  • Source: Amazon ($3.82 ebook)
  • Length: 220 pages
  • Trope(s): Athlete, Beta Hero, Smartass Heroine,
  • Quick blurb: Lonely tourist and pro ballplayer try really, really hard to convince themselves their whirlwind romance is just a fling.
  • Quick review: Just the right amounts of angst and humor and lust and romance for a sweet and satisfying HEA.
  • Grade: B+

He sighed. “With all the beautiful airheads I have at my disposal, I had to choose a smart-ass to meet my folks.”

The set-up:

Freelance editor Emily drags herself out of her self-made, home-based Cave of Solitude for a much-needed splurge in New York City — but a run-in with a big-league ballplayer changes her vacation itinerary from spas and shopping to seduction and sex.

The hits:

Studly but sensitive beta hero. Smart, smartass heroine. Great relationship-building. Swoon-worthy romantic moments. Believable angstifying about friends and family. A low-key but effective use of the superstar-athlete angle. No over-the-top villains or plot shenanigans.

The misses:

The obligatory tacked-on-but-useless epilogue. Blech. The ballplayer hero thinks Romantical Thoughts in the final innings of a World Series game. My inner baseball fan was screaming “Keep your mind on the game, FFS!”

The final score: B+

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One-Quote Review: My Fair Concubine by Jeannie Lin

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My Fair Concubine by Jeannie Lin

  • Title: My Fair Concubine
  • Author: Jeannie Lin
  • Category/Series: Harlequin Historical; Tang Dynasty, Book 3
  • Genre(s): Historical (9th century China)
  • Publisher: Harlequin, June 2012
  • Source: Provided by the publisher via NetGalley ($4.49 ebook)
  • Length: 288 pages
  • Trope(s): Extreme Makeover, In Disguise, Unrequited Love, Beta Hero
  • Quick blurb: Stern soldier trains orphaned teahouse girl to take his runaway sister’s place as a political bride.
  • Quick review: I swooned. And then I got weepy. And then I swooned again.
  • Grade: A

He’d trained her in calligraphy to teach her patience and discipline while using the same techniques to try to control his own emotions. He’d buried them deep and only allowed them to show in one place.

In the forms, she could see the gathered memories of their days together. She could see the hundred different want he thought of her. The flowing curves of wistfulness, the tight control of denial. It was all there. Anger, hope, longing. Desire.

Huh? What? Oh, sorry – I was swooning again.

This was my first Jeannie Lin. Now I own her entire backlist and I pre-ordered her next one. I think this means I have an Author Crush. In a totally non-creepy, non-stalkerish kind of way, of  course.

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Reading With Me Vicariously: Status Updates

July 27 – 10%:

Chapter one, and the hero already gets cold tea thrown in his face. This is a good sign.

July 28 – 25%:

First writing lesson = *swoon*

July 28 – 42%

I wish the slumber party in my living room would actually slumber so I could READ MY BOOK because I THINK THERE MIGHT BE SOME SMOOCHING SOON.

July 29 – 71%:

*~*happy sigh*~*

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NOTE: This inspired an idea – Pygmalion/My Fair Lady Theme Week coming soon!