One-Quote Reviews: Strangers on a Train

I’d go with an “All Aboard!” intro, but that would be too cheesy even for me. Beware of CAPSLOCK OF RAGE and FANGIRL SQUEE (not in the same story, thank god.)

<whining>

Before we get to the good stuff, a brief plea to Samhain Publishing: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FIX YOUR EBOOK FORMATTING. The default 6pt font and forced sans serif is beyond annoying — it makes me cringe every time I open a recent Samhain title. I’m willing to put up with it for trusted authors, but it is a definite barrier to trying new ones.

</whining>

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Back on Track by Donna Cummings

• Title: Back on Track
• Author: Donna Cummings
• Series: Strangers on a Train
• Genre(s): Contemporary
• Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
• Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.10 ebook)
• Length: 67 pages
• Trope(s): Working Girl, Celebrity/Commoner, Athlete
• Quick blurb: “Two Truths and a Lie” icebreaker leads to a mini-Big-Misunderstanding between a marketing exec and a pro baseball player.
• Quick review: Not bad, but not memorable.
• Grade: C

“Does he wear mismatched socks that haven’t been washed in months? To keep a winning streak alive?”

She shook her head, biting back a smile.

“Really?”

“No, he wore smiley-face footie socks. With a tiny pompon in the back.”

Cummings is a new-to-me author, and I didn’t find much of a “voice” in her writing, especially compared to her veteran co-authors. I was put off on the first page by the BFF “patting her perfect blonde hair into place,” the h/h chemistry felt superficial, and I was disappointed that the “wine train” premise wasn’t woven into the story.

Also, the cover is a little eye-rolling — very few (if any) major league pitchers are built like NFL linebackers.

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Tight Quarters by Samantha Hunter

• Title: Tight Quarters
• Author: Samantha Hunter
• Series: Strangers on a Train
• Genre(s): Contemporary
• Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
• Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.66 ebook)
• Length: 77 pages
• Trope(s): Mental Illness, PTSD, Magical Orgasm Cure, Worst Therapist EVER
• Quick blurb: Claustrophobic writer and retired cop find themselves booked into the same sleeper cabin.
• Quick review: This story PISSED ME OFF. A LOT.
• Grade: D (very, very close to being a DNF)

He wanted to tell her he was sorry for being so cavalier about her phobia. Anyone who had lived through that hell would end up with some kind of damage, and she was fighting it.

Lesson learned from this story: The only phobias and anxieties worthy of sympathy are those triggered by tragedy and trauma. All others are fair game for shame and ridicule.

In other words, a big FUCK YOU to readers like me who don’t have a heart-wrenching backstory to blame for their irrational fears and panic attacks.

The writing was good — really good. But HELL FUCKING NO on the Magical Orgasm Cure. I’ll save the rest of my CAPSLOCK OF RAGE for my upcoming (someday) theme on mental illness, but here’s a teaser: If a crippling fear disappears in the presence of testosterone, it’s not a “phobia.” IT DOESN”T WORK THAT WAY.

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Ticket Home by Serena Bell

• Title: Ticket Home
• Author: Serena Bell
• Series: Strangers on a Train
• Genre(s): Contemporary
• Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
• Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.66 ebook)
• Length: 77 pages
• Trope(s): Workaholism, Reunited, Daddy Issues
• Quick blurb: Workaholic entrpreneur tries to woo his ex back home.
• Quick review: Adding this to my Swoon-Worthy Grand Gestures list.
• Grade: B+

“So is that why you ran away?”

“I ran away, she said through gritted teeth, “because you were an asshole.”

I was floored when I learned this was Bell’s first published title. More like this, and she’ll be on my auto-buy list.

The only thing that kept this story from an “A” grade was the bit with the daddy issues — it felt like a too-much-thought-out attempt to give the heroine an angsty backstory to explain away her reluctance. The hero was an asshole, and his bringing up her manipulative father was just as manipulative.

I wavered on the final grade a bit…. Use of the phrase “ate his mouth like a starving woman” was groan-inspiring, but then I had to give bonus points for Big Brooklyn Guy’s one-liner at the end.

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Thank You For Riding by Meg Maguire

• Title: Thank You For Riding
• Author: Meg Maguire
• Series: Strangers on a Train
• Genre(s): Contemporary
• Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
• Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.66 ebook)
• Length: 72 pages
• Trope(s): Trapped in a Subway Station, Smartass Heroine, Book-Reading-Glasses-Wearing Hero
• Quick blurb: Platelet-donating, library-card-carrying man and recently-dumped accountant take advantage of being trapped in a subway station.
• Quick review: A combination of perfect setting, characters and tone make this a truly sexy and romantic story.
• Grade: A

Did I mention I live alone with a cat? Just got dumped, workaholic and occasionnally eats half a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese for dinner? With chopsticks? Get on this hot mess with your man-broom before someone else sweeps me up!

Everything about this story worked for me, especially the heroine’s stream-of-consciousness internal monologuing. Using chopsticks to eat shredded cheese out of the bag is BRILLIANT.

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Big Boy by Ruthie Knox

• Title: Big Boy
• Author: Ruthie Knox
• Series: Strangers on a Train
• Genre(s): Contemporary
• Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
• Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.10 ebook)
• Length: 72 pages
• Trope(s): In Disguise, Role Play, Museum Sex,
• Quick blurb: Once-a-month role-playing encounters turn into something more for a struggling single mother.
• Quick review: Dear Ms. Knox: Wow. Love, Kelly.
• Grade: A

Tonight, I want a sliver of honesty to pierce the illusion. A splinter of reality to carry in my pocket all month, to cherish with my fingertips, thinking of him.

Here comes the FANGIRL SQUEE, and you knew it was coming because I haven’t been shy about my author crush on Knox.

Every time I read her, something new and different knocks me over, and sometimes I can’t even figure out exactly what or why. With Big Boy, it’s the atmosphere. The dark, uneasy, secretive, lonely atmosphere. And she pulled it off in first person present tense. As my tweenager would say: “Mind. Blown.” (You’ll have to just imagine the required hand gestures.)

And with every Knox story, it’s her authorial voice. Distinct and memorable, but different every time. Knox inhabits her characters — and that’s something that will always keep me reading.

Hmm… That was a lot of italics. The next Knox book will have me using HOT PINK BOLD ITALIC ALLCAPS, and she’ll have only herself to blame.

One-Quote Review: Selling Out by Amber Lin

• Title: Selling Out
• Author: Amber Lin
• Series: Lost Girls, Book 2
• Genre(s): Contemporary, Suspense
• Publisher: Loose Id, February 2013
• Source: Review copy provided by author ($7.99 ebook)
• Length: 315 pages
• Trope(s): Crusty Cop, Hooker with a Heart of Gold, Family Drama
• Quick blurb:  A jaded call girl feels compelled to save a naive young runaway — and an enigmatic cop is trying to protect them both.
• Quick review: The frenetic opening almost left me behind, but when I finally caught up, the intense atmosphere and complex characters had me hooked.
• Grade: B

He was more deserving of love than anybody I had ever known, but it wasn’t even relevant to how I felt about him. Love wasn’t a choice, it was an accident. Not a climb, but a fall. I had slipped somewhere along my prickly path and down, down to the murky depths, hurtling ever farther, ever faster, and the only question was whether he would meet me at the bottom.

I probably should have read the first book in the series again before starting this one, because I felt more than a little bewildered during the first few chapters. But then Officer Luke showed up, and GOOD LORD.

And just as Lin captured the despair and hope of a struggling single mother in Giving It Up, the call girl main character here is anything but cookie-cutter. Shelly is bitchy and vulnerable and probably the most complex prostitute I’ve ever read in a contemporary.

The ‘Oh Crap It’s Only A Week Until Christmas’ Holiday Book Binge, Part 1

I was going to call these “lightning” reviews, but I’m going with “magical reindeer fly-by” reviews because they’re more ephemeral than electrocution-inducing.

Yes, I’m an Alliteration Whore.

In no particular order….

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‘Twas the Night After Christmas by Sabrina Jeffries

• Title: ‘Twas the Night After Christmas
• Author: Sabrina Jeffries
• Series: Hellions of Halstead Hall, Book 6
• Genre(s): Historical
• Publisher: Gallery Books, October 2012
• Source: Edelweiss ($7.99 ebook)
• Length: 368 pages
• Trope(s): Angst, Big Misunderstandings, Parental Issues, Smartass Heroine, Alpha Hero Who’s Secretly a Beta Hero, Plot Moppet
• Quick blurb: A widowed hired companion tries to reunited her unseen rakish employer with his long-estranged mother.
• Quick review: Angsty and gooey and predictable, and I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
• Grade: A-

She kissed like a woman who didn’t know her own sensual power. Most women did – even the virginal ones. The fact that she didn’t made him want to show it to her. Graphically. Thoroughly. Over and over, until she realized what he’d known since the moment she first stood up to him – that she was one of those rare women who understood how the game was played…and then played it by her own rules.

This might be my favorite of the Hellions of Halstead Hall series. Yes, the setup is standard formula romance, but Jeffries really pulls it off by making this a very intimate and emotional and oozingly romantic story.

The minus in the A- minus is for the price — I know it’s a full novel and not just a novella, but it’s Christmas, for crying out loud. And don’t try to use “But we released it in October!” as an excuse.

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Red Hot Holiday (Anthology)

• Title: Red Hot Holiday
• Author(s): Anne Calhoun, K.A. Mitchell and Leah Braemel
• Series: N/A
• Genre(s): Contemporary, Erotica
• Publisher: Carina Press, December 2012
• Source: NetGalley
• Length: 262 pages
• Trope(s): Angst, Big Misunderstandings, BDSM, Menage, Beta Heroes, Widow
• Quick blurb: A unique and unexpected mix of holiday-themed erotic stories
• Quick review: A bit uneven, but definitely not the usual gooey Christmas schmaltz
• Grade: B-

Wish List by K.A. Mitchell

“Feel small, like I could crawl inside you, but big too, like all of you would fit inside me.”

I have read and will continue to read anything and everything by K.A. Mitchell, and I *love* that a non-Christmas, non-het story was included in this anthology.

I Need You for Christmas by Leah Braemel

“I wasn’t the only one who pulled Kevin out of the water. It was a team effort.”

“I know. But I’m not in love with any of them.”

I’m generally not a big fan of Gift of the Magi takeoffs, because the conflict and resolution are always so blatantly telegraphed, and this was no exception. The fact that the heroine was a kick-ass Mountie and the hero was a believable Sensitive Artist almost made up for some of the external melodrama — but not enough for the gratuitous sex swing.

Breath on Embers by Annie Calhoun

Ronan the Rescuer loomed over her, big and tough and willing to throw himself at whatever fire appeared, literal or metaphorical, but this wasn’t hot flames. This was the cold fire of hell no one could rescue her from, because nothing was wrong, except her husband was dead.

Like nearly every other reader, I was blown away by Calhoun’s gorgeous writing — the balance of characters and setting and holiday angst was perfect. HOWEVER… I know I’m in the minority on this… I felt the resolution of the conflict was a cop-out to make this story more “erotic” and fulfill a “Stop the presses! We need a menage!” trope quota — even more than the gratuitous sex swing. I just didn’t buy it.

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A Mackenzie Family Christmas: The Perfect Gift by Jennifer Ashley

• Title: A Mackenzie Family Christmas: The Perfect Gift
• Author: Jennifer Ashley
• Series: Highland Pleasures, Book 4.5
• Genre(s): Historical
• Publisher: Self-Published, December 2012
• Source: Amazon, 99¢
• Length: 240 pages
• Trope(s): Family Reunion, Big Misunderstanding(s), Plot Moppets (a LOT of them), Pregnant Ladies (a LOT of them), Testosterone in Kilts (a LOT of it)
• Quick blurb: The Boys of Scotland and their Lovely Lassies and all their children and pets and servants and horses and in-laws.
• Quick review: If you love the MacKenzies, you’ll probably read this book and like it. Just like me.
• Grade: B

Hart looked like someone had kicked him repeatedly.

Every single character from all four previous books was crammed into this book, along with their numerous spawn. Those who weren’t the main characters of their own book all got smoochy cameos in this one, including Crabby Old Fart-Muffin (my son’s favorite epithet) half-brother Lloyd Fellows AND Bellamy the Boxing Butler (oh, fine then, he’s a valet, but that’s not alliterative).

The subtitle of “The Perfect Gift” was the often obscured yet charming plot thread, but it really wasn’t the point. It did, however, remind me how much I looove Ian and Beth and then I had to go and read their book again. And then I had to double-check to make sure I had Elliot’s book AND Daniel’s book on my “Coming Soon But Not Soon Enough Hurry the Hell Up” list.

One-Quote Review: Men of Smithfield – Mark & Tony by L.B. Gregg

• Title: Men of Smithfield: Mark & Tony
• Author: L.B. Gregg
• Series: Men of Smithfield, Book 1
• Genre(s): Contemporary, GLBTQ (M/M)
• Publisher: Carina Press, August 2012
• Source: Provided by the publisher via NetGalley ($3.39 ebook)
• Length: 114 pages
• Trope(s): Friends-To-Lovers, Cops, Revenge, Angst
• Quick blurb: Humor and friendship help ER doc survive romantic meltdown.
• Quick review: An oddly successful mix of drama, farce and romance.
• Grade: B

The future seemed brighter when you had a box of donuts in your hand.

It’s difficult to pull off angsty humor (humorous angst?), but Gregg manages to make the most of her main character’s meltdown without veering into campy melodrama.

Tripleheader: More Harlequin Categories – Blaze, Classic and Super

I’m definitely a Blaze type – the Classic Romance and Super Romance just didn’t do it for me at all.

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Blazing Midsummer Nights by Leslie Kelly

• Title:  Blazing Midsummer Nights
• Author: Leslie Kelly
• Series: N/A
• Genre(s): Contemporary
• Publisher:  Harlequin, May 2012
• Source: Free digital ARC from the publisher via NetGalley ($3.82 ebook)
• Length: 224 pages
• Trope(s): Shakespeare, Insta-Lust, Insta-Love
• Quick blurb: Shakespearean fluff in modern-day Atlanta.
• Quick review: Fun and sexy, with a surprisingly complex career/family conflict – but I could have done without the dream sequences.
• Grade: B+

He attempted to tamp down the reaction by shifting his thoughts to less appealing things – like grits, God in heaven, who had ever decided to eat what looked like little pieces of dandruff?

The happy couple….

Mimi (don’t call her Hermione) is a high-society marketing exec with a boring boyfriend hand-picked by her father (who’s also her boss). Xander (don’t call him Lysander) is a firefighter who moves to Atlanta to shake himself out of his grief after his parents died.

The setting….

Southern Gothic – complete with a plantation house with secret doors and magnolia trees in the backyard.

The storytelling….

A really creative and witty retelling of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. The hilarious meet-cute sets the tone, and all the flaky secondary characters are there, including the donkey. In between the silliness and the sex, there’s one of the most realistic depictions of office politics I’ve ever seen in a romance.

The romance….

Yes, it’s Insta-Lust and Insta-Love, but it works. However, I could have done without the cheesy dream sequences.

The recommendation….

A great summer read – definitely worth the price!

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Unraveling the Past by Beth Andrews

• Title:  Unraveling the Past
• Author: Beth Andrews
• Series: The Truth About the Sullivans, Book 1
• Genre(s): Contemporary
• Publisher: Harlequin, June 2012
• Source: Free digital ARC from the publisher via NetGalley ($3.82 ebook)
• Length: 288 pages
• Trope(s): Lust in the Workplace, Dysfunctional Families, Instant Parenthood
• Quick blurb: Cranky police chief and smart-ass cop clash over murder investigation.
• Quick review: Could have been good, but turned out to be mostly sequel bait.
• Grade: C-

“A debriefing?” Sullivan asked as if Ross had told her to bring a bikini, a case of whipped cream and her handcuffs and meet him at a motel.

The happy couple….

Layne is a small-town cop with a dysfunctional family. Ross a former big-city cop turned small-town police chief with a dysfunctional family.

The setting….

The predictable small town full of dysfunctional families and mysterious secrets.

The storytelling….

Good writing with some great snarky dialogue, but the sequel-bait family stuff pushed the hero and heroine to the sidelines and prevented this story from being a compelling read. The non-ending with an unsolved murder and rushed HEA didn’t help.

The romance….

Intermittent mental lusting and two rounds of comfort-me-with-sex, then declarations of love two pages before the end. I liked Layne and Ross, but I needed a lot more of THEM and a lot less of all the obnoxious people around them.

The recommendation….

Might be worth a read – but only if you plan on waiting for the sequels.

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The Tycoon’s Secret Daughter by Susan Meier

• Title:  The Tycoon’s Secret Daughter
• Author: Susan Meier
• Series: First Time Dads! Book 1
• Genre(s): Contemporary
• Publisher:  Harlequin, June 2012
• Source: Free digital ARC from the publisher via NetGalley ($3.82 ebook)
• Length: 185 pages
• Trope(s): Reunited, Secret Baby, Addiction, Plot Moppet, Evil Mother-in-Law
• Quick blurb: Recovering alcoholic learns he has a six-year-old daughter.
• Quick review: Blech. Don’t bother.
• Grade: C-

His attraction to her sprang up like a lion that had been lying in wait in the African bush, confusing him.

The happy couple….

Kate is a construction project manager who left her alcoholic and increasingly violent husband without telling him she was pregnant. Max is a newly-sober real estate mogul who is stunned – STUNNED, I TELL YOU – to find out he’s the father of a predictably adorable six-year-old daughter.

The setting….

The predictable small-town-with-all-the-amenities-of-a-metropolis.

The storytelling….

Bland and predictable.

The romance….

Boring and predictable.

The recommendation….

Another cookie-cutter rich-guy-with-secret-baby. Don’t bother.

Shattered Glass by Dani Alexander

• Title: Shattered Glass
• Author: Dani Alexander
  
• Series: Book 1 in the Shattered Glass series
• Genre(s): Contemporary M/M Romantic Suspense
• Publisher: Self-Published, January 2012
• Purchase: Amazon, $2.99
• Tropes: Insta-Love, Cops, Sex-for-Hire, Gangsters
• Quick blurb: Cop falls in love with rent boy. With some Russian mob stuff thrown in.
• Quick snark: The main character need to sit down and STFU. Then maybe I’ll finish this.
• Grade: DNF (for now)

Two words:  Bunny. Slippers. How could I NOT buy this???

A male prostitute, a mangy cat, a murder and an obsession that threatens his career, his impending marriage and his life. Nothing is going as planned for Austin Glass.

Austin Glass seems to have it all: A loving fiancee, a future with the FBI and a healthy sized trust fund. At least on the surface. He also has a grin and a wisecrack for every situation. But the smile he presents to the world hides a painful past he’s buried too deeply to remember, and his quips mask bitterness and insecurity. Austin has himself and most of the whole world fooled—until he meets a redhead in a pair of bunny slippers.

As events unfold in the biggest case of his life, Austin’s carefully planned future unravels, and he finds himself pushed into making quick, life-changing decisions. But can he trust himself or anything he feels, when each event seems to be just a series of volatile reactions?

I was sure I was going to love this because of all the rave reviews, but I gave up about halfway through because it just left me exhausted. I felt like I needed to get my anxiety meds adjusted or something.