One-Quote Review: Lady with the Devil’s Scar by Sophia James

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Yes, I’m still here. I have a boatload of reviews in the backlog, so be prepared for a influx of One-Quote Wonders.

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  • Lady with the Devil's Scar by Sophia JamesTitle: Lady with the Devil’s Scar
  • Author: Sophia James
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: Harlequin, August 2012
  • Source: NetGalley
  • Length: 288 pages
  • Trope(s): Scarred Heroine, Illegitimate Loner Hero, Vengeful King
  • Quick blurb: Daughter of infamous Highland rebel fights and flirts with French mercenary sent to destroy her castle.
  • Quick review: Strong characters and good historical world-building, but not something I’ll read again.
  • Grade: B-

He kissed like a warrior would, taking what he needed without discourse to the properness of society, her timid answer pushed away into sheer and blazing want.

Sophia James, along with Julia Justiss and Elizabeth Rolls, was one of my “gateway” Harlequin Historical authors – I glommed her entire backlist when I first got my Kindle.

James is one of those authors that I enjoy, but not enough to rave about, and Lady With the Devil’s Scar fits right in that middle territory – I liked it, but not enough to displace any of my favorites.

Coming up next: The Sophia James Backlist Binge….

The Pianist in the Dark by Michele Halberstadt

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The Pianist in the Dark by Michele Halberstadt

  • Title: The Pianist in the Dark
  • Author: Michele Halberstadt
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: Pegasus Books, July 2011
  • Source: Purchased*
  • Length: 150 pages
  • Trope(s): Musician, Physician, Disability, Overbearing Aristocratic Parents, Good and Faithful Servant
  • Quick blurb: Celebrity physician attempts to cure virtuoso pianist of blindness.
  • Quick review: So much potential, so much disappointment.
  • Grade: D+

It was imperative that, upon being introduced to her, he be seized by sudden inspiration.

The Pianist in the Dark is based on the true story of 17-year-old virtuoso Maria Theresia von Paradis, the only child of a high-ranking Austrian diplomat. Maria Theresia has been blind since the age of three, and while she’s made a name for herself as a musician in music-mad 1770s Vienna, her father has subjected her to endless painful and humiliating treatments to restore her sight.

When famed physician Franz Mesmer — he of the “magnetism cure” for anxieties, neuroses, epilepsy and other “nervous disorders” — offers his services, Maria Theresia’s father agrees and send her off to live at Mesmer’s house/hospital.

Mesmer quickly lives up to his soon-to-be-verbified name, enthralling his young patient not only with his charisma and sincerity, but even more so with his respect for her as an autonomous young woman rather than her father’s puppet.

She knew what would cure her, even if he didn’t. It wasn’t her desire to see. It was her desire to please him. This energy he felt was the love he’d inspired in her.

As you might imagine, their relationship becomes intimate…

The punches became caresses, and the screams sighs and shouts.

…but only after her vision remarkably improves. Maria Theresia seemingly flourishes under his care, in and out of the bedroom, until her father insists on allowing Mesmer’s medical rivals to examine his daughter. Terrified to reveal that gaining sight has ruined her abilities at the keyboard, and knowing that Mesmer will sacrifice her to save his career, she is unable to convince the sceptics and is forced to return to her parents’ home.

“I am lost, don’t you see? You’ve destroyed something and replaced it with nothing. I’m not blind, but I cannot see. I’m living in a muddled limbo where I can’t see much of anything and struggle to learn things that a three-year-old understands. I am no longer myself, but I haven’t become someone else.”

Eventually, with the help of a loyal servant, Maria Theresia establishes her own household and gains back her musical abilities — but only after deliberately ruining her eyesight permanently.

“Girls who love Christ become nuns. I love music so much that I will dedicate my life to it. Sight impaired my playing. I give it up with no regrets. It has brought me pipe dreams, no more.”

An amazing true-life story, and a perfect inspiration for angsty, romantic historical fiction, right?

It could have been.

Unfortunately, the glaringly uneven storytelling left me both cringing at the prose and craving this story told by a different author. Book blurbs call Halberstadt a “renowned French writer and film producer,” but unless something went dreadfully wrong in translation, I’m not feeling the love for her fiction writing at all.

In the opening chapters, the mix of present and past tense, combined with very strange and abrupt switches in narrative voice, immediately set me on edge. Based on the opening paragraph…

SHE DOESN’T KNOW THE COLOR OF THE SKY OR THE shape of the clouds, doesn’t know the meaning of blue or red, of dark or pale. She lives in blackness. This is the word they have given to what she describes. She can make out light by its heat, its smell, sometimes even its sound: the flickering of a candle, the crackling of fire. She knows that daytime throbs with agitation and that silence awaits nightfall to be heard. Luckily for her, listening is what she does best.

…I thought, “Oh GAWD, present-tense pretentiousness, but maybe I can live with it.”

Then, in chapter two, we get a completely different narrator:

So while music teachers instructed Maria Theresia in song and harmony, men of science turned her into their guinea pig, alternating bloodletting with purges and cauteries, putting leeches on her eyelids, confining her head to cataplasms for days on end, and even trying a new discovery: electrical seizure induction. So painful were the treatments that new symptoms soon appeared: nervous trembling, attacks of panic, uncontrollable sobbing at dusk—and the blindness never diminished. By the time Joseph Anton admitted that the various procedures to which his daughter was submitted only made her worse, he had succeeded in weakening both her health and her nerves.

In the very next paragraph, we get both:

At seventeen, Mademoiselle Paradis, born a child prodigy and blind soon after, passionate and docile, had grown into a graceful young adult with sophisticated manners—a reputed virtuoso pianist who, behind her beautiful and smooth face, hides the violent torments of a troubled, melancholic temperament. She knows she is misunderstood, feels unloved, and trusts no one.

And at the end of chapter two, we return to the Documentary Voice-Over:

She felt that being blind was the only power she had over them. She was the object of their obsession, the subject of their confrontations, but without her, her blindness, they would have nothing to discuss. Her handicap freed her from her parents and at the same time enabled the three of them to remain a family.

And so it goes. Chapter nine opens with three paragraphs in present tense, then switches to past tense. Chapter twelve is the opposite. For the love God, PICK ONE AND STAY WITH IT. Or maybe that’s a French thing?

While the verb tense issues were merely distracting and annoying, the inconsistent narrative voice was so discordant (a musical metaphor, HA!) that I came close to DNFing this short book several times. Rather than allow the compelling character of Maria Theresia to share her own story, Halberstadt veers between Wikipeida-lite historical factoids…

Since advancing his thesis on celestial bodies, Mesmer had become convinced that a mutual influence existed among the stars, the earth, and human beings. According to him, this influence was transmitted via a fluid that restored the nerves to health.

In 1772, following in the footsteps of Father Hell, a Jesuit astrology professor who prided himself on curing people with magnets, Mesmer adapted his procedure of magnetic healing but soon clashed with the priest. He then pretended to have discovered the method himself and accused Hell of plagiarism.

The following year, when he met a Swiss priest, Father Gassner, who practiced exorcism, Mesmer decided to give up magnets and apply his own hands instead. The former water diviner/healer determined that his body itself was a conduit of the curative fluid, of the energy that relieved the pain engendered by nervous ills.

…and loooong, soul-baring monologues:

 “Yes, Nina, here I have learned cynicism and bitterness, two feelings that were foreign to me. For a long time my blindness protected me from a reality that is not pretty to behold. What I have discovered scares me much more than the shadows that surrounded me. I have opened my eyes to a world that I knew nothing of, and it grows more and more disappointing every day. There is no room in it for simple, naïve souls who think that happiness is all about loving others. You can’t get by on love, or art. Ambition is the force that drives this world. People care more about clawing their way to fame and manipulating others than they do about what makes a concerto work.”

She took Nina’s hands in her own.

“I can admit it to you: I am having difficulty playing the piano because I have to learn to stop staring at the keyboard. But this is not the only reason. I have lost the faith I had in music. I used to think it would help me express emotions that an audience could share with me. During a concert the listeners and I would engage in a sort of conversation. There was an exchange between what I gave them and the way they received it. Their listening returned to me my emotion a hundredfold. Well, I no longer believe that. People listen and they are probably moved, but their attention is distracted by what’s running through their minds, and now I fear that they send back to me nothing other than their own vanity. They have no time to be affected by the music, even though music alone has the power to raise their hearts and ease their minds. They cannot be bothered. This is what preoccupies me now when I play. I analyze the world coldly. I no longer idealize it. As I’ve lost my conviction in my talent, I can’t convince anyone with my talent. This is what I’ve become, Nina. A girl without illusions. Music has ceased being my dream world. Now that I see the real world, I live with nightmares.”

For the LOVE OF GOD, don’t TELL us, SHOW us. Or maybe that’s a French thing too?

A few truly affecting scenes, including a confrontation with an jealous opposing physician and brief moment during a Paris concert at the end of the book, redeemed this story slightly, but these glimpses only left me wanting more character-driven emotional subtlety and a lot less info- and angst-dumping.

My first instinct was a C- grade, but after looking over my own grading criteria, I had to go with a D+ for the Big Disappointment and something I really can’t recommend to anyone.

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*I purchased my Kindle version in November (Black Friday) when it was on sale for only $1.88. This 150-page book is now $9.39 on Amazon and $11.19 on Barnes & Noble, which is why I’m not providing any buy links.

The digital list price is $13.99. For 150 pages. Idiots.

One-Quote Reviews: Strangers on a Train

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I’d go with an “All Aboard!” intro, but that would be too cheesy even for me. Beware of CAPSLOCK OF RAGE and FANGIRL SQUEE (not in the same story, thank god.)

<whining>

Before we get to the good stuff, a brief plea to Samhain Publishing: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FIX YOUR EBOOK FORMATTING. The default 6pt font and forced sans serif is beyond annoying — it makes me cringe every time I open a recent Samhain title. I’m willing to put up with it for trusted authors, but it is a definite barrier to trying new ones.

</whining>

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Back on Track by Donna Cummings

Back on Track by Donna Cummings

  • Title: Back on Track
  • Author: Donna Cummings
  • Series: Strangers on a Train
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.10 ebook)
  • Length: 67 pages
  • Trope(s): Working Girl, Celebrity/Commoner, Athlete
  • Quick blurb: “Two Truths and a Lie” icebreaker leads to a mini-Big-Misunderstanding between a marketing exec and a pro baseball player.
  • Quick review: Not bad, but not memorable.
  • Grade: C

“Does he wear mismatched socks that haven’t been washed in months? To keep a winning streak alive?”

She shook her head, biting back a smile.

“Really?”

“No, he wore smiley-face footie socks. With a tiny pompon in the back.”

Cummings is a new-to-me author, and I didn’t find much of a “voice” in her writing, especially compared to her veteran co-authors. I was put off on the first page by the BFF “patting her perfect blonde hair into place,” the h/h chemistry felt superficial, and I was disappointed that the “wine train” premise wasn’t woven into the story.

Also, the cover is a little eye-rolling — very few (if any) major league pitchers are built like NFL linebackers.

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Tight Quarters by Samantha Hunter

Tight Quarters by Samantha Hunter

  • Title: Tight Quarters
  • Author: Samantha Hunter
  • Series: Strangers on a Train
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.66 ebook)
  • Length: 77 pages
  • Trope(s): Mental Illness, PTSD, Magical Orgasm Cure, Worst Therapist EVER
  • Quick blurb: Claustrophobic writer and retired cop find themselves booked into the same sleeper cabin.
  • Quick review: This story PISSED ME OFF. A LOT.
  • Grade: D (very, very close to being a DNF)

He wanted to tell her he was sorry for being so cavalier about her phobia. Anyone who had lived through that hell would end up with some kind of damage, and she was fighting it.

Lesson learned from this story: The only phobias and anxieties worthy of sympathy are those triggered by tragedy and trauma. All others are fair game for shame and ridicule.

In other words, a big FUCK YOU to readers like me who don’t have a heart-wrenching backstory to blame for their irrational fears and panic attacks.

The writing was good — really good. But HELL FUCKING NO on the Magical Orgasm Cure. I’ll save the rest of my CAPSLOCK OF RAGE for my upcoming (someday) theme on mental illness, but here’s a teaser: If a crippling fear disappears in the presence of testosterone, it’s not a “phobia.” IT DOESN”T WORK THAT WAY.

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Ticket Home by Serena Bell

Ticket Home by Serena Bell

  • Title: Ticket Home
  • Author: Serena Bell
  • Series: Strangers on a Train
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.66 ebook)
  • Length: 77 pages
  • Trope(s): Workaholism, Reunited, Daddy Issues
  • Quick blurb: Workaholic entrpreneur tries to woo his ex back home.
  • Quick review: Adding this to my Swoon-Worthy Grand Gestures list.
  • Grade: B+

“So is that why you ran away?”

“I ran away, she said through gritted teeth, “because you were an asshole.”

I was floored when I learned this was Bell’s first published title. More like this, and she’ll be on my auto-buy list.

The only thing that kept this story from an “A” grade was the bit with the daddy issues — it felt like a too-much-thought-out attempt to give the heroine an angsty backstory to explain away her reluctance. The hero was an asshole, and his bringing up her manipulative father was just as manipulative.

I wavered on the final grade a bit…. Use of the phrase “ate his mouth like a starving woman” was groan-inspiring, but then I had to give bonus points for Big Brooklyn Guy’s one-liner at the end.

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Thank You For Riding by Meg Maguire

Thank You For Riding

  • Title: Thank You For Riding
  • Author: Meg Maguire
  • Series: Strangers on a Train
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.66 ebook)
  • Length: 72 pages
  • Trope(s): Trapped in a Subway Station, Smartass Heroine, Book-Reading-Glasses-Wearing Hero
  • Quick blurb: Platelet-donating, library-card-carrying man and recently-dumped accountant take advantage of being trapped in a subway station.
  • Quick review: A combination of perfect setting, characters and tone make this a truly sexy and romantic story.
  • Grade: A

Did I mention I live alone with a cat? Just got dumped, workaholic and occasionnally eats half a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese for dinner? With chopsticks? Get on this hot mess with your man-broom before someone else sweeps me up!

Everything about this story worked for me, especially the heroine’s stream-of-consciousness internal monologuing. Using chopsticks to eat shredded cheese out of the bag is BRILLIANT.

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Big Boy by Ruthie Knox

Big Boy by Ruthie Knox

  • Title: Big Boy
  • Author: Ruthie Knox
  • Series: Strangers on a Train
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Samhain, April 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($2.10 ebook)
  • Length: 72 pages
  • Trope(s): In Disguise, Role Play, Museum Sex,
  • Quick blurb: Once-a-month role-playing encounters turn into something more for a struggling single mother.
  • Quick review: Dear Ms. Knox: Wow. Love, Kelly.
  • Grade: A

Tonight, I want a sliver of honesty to pierce the illusion. A splinter of reality to carry in my pocket all month, to cherish with my fingertips, thinking of him.

Here comes the FANGIRL SQUEE, and you knew it was coming because I haven’t been shy about my author crush on Knox.

Every time I read her, something new and different knocks me over, and sometimes I can’t even figure out exactly what or why. With Big Boy, it’s the atmosphere. The dark, uneasy, secretive, lonely atmosphere. And she pulled it off in first person present tense. As my tweenager would say: “Mind. Blown.” (You’ll have to just imagine the required hand gestures.)

And with every Knox story, it’s her authorial voice. Distinct and memorable, but different every time. Knox inhabits her characters — and that’s something that will always keep me reading.

Hmm… That was a lot of italics. The next Knox book will have me using HOT PINK BOLD ITALIC ALLCAPS, and she’ll have only herself to blame.

Naughty Norsemen: Kiss of Pride by Sandra Hill

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Kiss of Pride by Sandra Hill

  • Title: Kiss of Pride
  • Author: Sandra Hill
  • Series: Deadly Angels, Book 1
  • Genre(s): Contemporary, PNR
  • Publisher: Avon, April 2012
  • Source: Public library ($4.74 ebook)
  • Length: 309 pages
  • Trope(s): Vikings!
  • Quick blurb: Vikings! Vampires! Angels! Time Travel! Satan’s Minions Host a Sin Cruise! Home Improvement!
  • Quick review: An utterly goofy and stupidly entertaining read.
  • Grade: A-

“Oh my God! It has a halo.”

He jerked to a sitting position and glanced down to his cockstand, which resembled a fat standing candle sitting in a circle of light. Breathing a sigh of relief…he said, “That’s not a halo. It’s just the moon hitting off that round mirror over there and reflecting back here.”

“If you say so.” She was clearly unconvinced. “I think it’s kind of cute, that you would have a halo around your penis.”

Cute? A man does not want his cock to be cute. “It is not a halo.”

She leaned forward to study it closer. “Let’s see if you taste holy.”

HOLY CRAP, this was fun. ALL CAPS FUN, I TELL YOU.

This was the only thing that showed up when I searched my public library’s ebook collection for “Viking,” and I am not ashamed to admit that I fully expected to hate it. Silly me. This book was exactly what I needed to restore my faith in Romancelandia after my ill-advised adventure into the Old-Skool Archives.

Glancing downward, he realized that he was naked. Not even his trusted sword Death Flame was at hand.

Author Sandra Hill is apparently the reigning Queen of Vikings, and Kiss of Pride is the first book in her current series. I am not a PNR reader, so there might have been worldbuilding weirdness or plot holes that I missed, but whatever — I was having TOO MUCH FUN TO NOTICE.

“Near-sex?” he repeated.

Trond explained, in detail.

Holy lutefisk! “And we’re permitted to do that?”

It would take an entire chapter to explain how Vikings and vampires and angels and time travel all smush up together coherently, but Hill somehow manages to make it work. And amongst all the one-liners and fantasy nonsense, she layers in some thought-provoking religious and moral discussions on the nature of sin and redemption. Yes, really.

“I am hoping that my punishment for near-sex will not be nearly as great as full-blown swiving.”

And even with a mostly celibate hero, the sexy times — especially the “no-touching near-sex” scene — were hot. Capital-H Hot.

“If you do that, mayhap I will put you on all fours, like a mare, pressing your face to the floor, and kiss your arse cheeks, afore licking your woman-channel down to your pleasure bud.”

“What?” she shrieked.

Ooops. I might have gone too far. “Sorry. Forget I said that.”

“Are you kidding? I’ll never forget that. Now shut your eyes and stop interrupting, or we’ll be here all night.”

Also, I cried. But only once.

“Let me see if I understand. You’ve been given permission to marry me, and I’ll become immortal, sort of, but it would be as if I were an appendage to you, sort of. Is that right?”

“Sort of,” he said. “So, will you marry me?”

“That is the lamest marriage proposal I have ever heard.”

ANYWAY, the second book in the series was only 99c, so of course I had to buy it, and DUDE! It’s going to be goooood:

Trond has been a gladiator, a cowboy, a ditch digger . . . even a sheik. But now he’s the baddest of them all: a kick-ass Navy SEAL kicking butts of terrorist immortals…

Oh, yeah. I am THERE, and I will have my packets of Holy Water Wipes.

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Our hero….

…Vikar Sigurdsson hadn’t had sex in a hundred years, and he was not in the greatest of moods. The last time had resulted in two hundred years being added to his penance, and it hadn’t even been good sex.

… By thunder! My brain is a melting puddle of running sex-sap.

…Down, thickening! Down!

…“You excite me,” he explained, pointing to his teeth.

…“Sweetling, there isn’t a religion in the world, in any age, that can stop a man from spilling his seed with great joy.”

…“So, my cockstand is waving at your strawberry fluff. Proceed.”

…“Do not tempt me, wench. If I kiss you, I will not stop there. I will be swiving you continuously ’til your eyeballs roll back in your head and we mark every room in this castle like randy dogs.”

…”If I had to ‘take care’ of tweaking the Twinkie”—he glanced downward at the huge bulge in his underwear—“every time it popped up, I’d have permanent tendonitis in my right hand.”

…An enthusiasm was the Viking male word for an erection. His erection was very enthusiastic.

…Vikar had an “enthusiasm” that had been building for, oh, a hundred years. The “thickening” might very well drag on the floor if he were not so tall, he thought with a Viking bridegroom’s right to overexaggeration on his wedding night. The skalds could no doubt write a saga about it. Or not.

Our heroine…

…“If I want to sin, I’ll sin. Keep all your woo-woo cleansing crap to yourself.”

…She told him to do something to himself that he knew for a fact was physically impossible.

…That’s all she needed. Not only did Lucipires have her in their cross-hairs, drug dealers might be gunning for her, too, and now her boss would be in cahoots with her vampire angel host. Could her life get any better than this?

…She was damn well going to have sex, or someone was going to pay.

…“Show me later. Naked.”

…“Is your heart fluttering, Alex?” “You’re an idiot,” she said.

…“You bastard. You sonofabitch. You ignorant asshole! Don’t you dare tell me to settle down. I am not having sex with you two morons.”

…“A blue steeler? For me?”

…“Have I told you lately how much I love your fierceness?” “Have I told you lately that you talk too much?”

…“Oh please, do not regulate your excitement. Please, jump my bones.”

The worldbuilding….

…“We prefer to think of ourselves as beer-drinking Vikings. We Northmen do love our mead, but a Rolling Rock or Bud will do in a pinch.”

…”Did you show her the Viking S-spot?”

…“I rarely eat hot wings. They stain my fangs.”

…”I remember the time Olga the Big fixed her attentions on Ivak. When he declined her favors, she tried to spear his manparts with a boat oar.”

…“You think lisps are bad? You do not want to see vampires eating corn on the cob.”

…Pensively, he and Trond took bites of their hard pretzels, and chomped, loudly. It was like eating sennights-old manchet bread covered with salt, they’d long ago concluded. Not much taste, but a good way to soak up the beer.

…“Trond!” he shouted out. “Did I tell you there is a barrel of honeyed mead direct from the Norselands hidden in the dungeon behind those boxes of toilet paper?” Before Vikar could finish his sentence, there was a mad scramble of all the vangels for the castle back door.

More Naughty Norsemen: The Bodice-Ripping Era

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For round two of our romp through Viking romance, we’ll focus on three vintage titles from the beloved old-skool era of Forced Seduction, Logic Fail and General WTFery.

I didn’t finish any of these — I dragged myself through the first half of each, but couldn’t find any reason to finish.

We’ll start with the least painful and save the vomit-worthy one for last.

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Twin Passions by Miriam Minger

Twin Passions by Miriam Minger

  • Title: Twin Passions
  • Author: Miriam Minger
  • Series: N/A
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: Paperjacks, November 1988 (self-pub ebook re-release 2010)
  • Source: Amazon (free promo, currently $3.99)
  • Length: 309 pages
  • Trope(s): Vikings
  • Quick blurb: Kidnapped by Vikings! Twin-Switching!
  • Quick review: A great start completely derailed by a ginormous Logic Fail at the halfway point.
  • Grade: DNF

Their melded bodies, bathed in a fine sheen of perspiration, were one in a wild dance of passion, swirling ever upward on a wave of rapture so intense that Gwendolyn thought she would surely die from the surging sensations.

Oh, I had such high hopes for this one. Because, really, with an original cover featuring lookalikes of pre-makeover Melanie Griffith in Working Girl and that chick from Crocodile Dundee and a random fake-tan Dynasty-type dude, in costumes from a period in history that never existed, how could this NOT be a winner?

Twin Passions by Miriam Minger - original 1988 cover

BOUND BY VIRTUE, HOSTAGE TO LOVE

Alas, it was not meant to be. I was fully engaged with this one right up until The Deflowering, in which the sight of boobs renders the hero so stupid that he doesn’t even notice that he’s bedding a different woman, who used to be a man.

kill-the-wabbit

Kinda like this. But not really.

He also fails to notice the whip marks from a flogging with a studded lash that he himself inflicted hours earlier. WTFery, indeed.

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Viking! by Connie Mason

Viking! by Connie Mason

  • Title: Viking!
  • Author: Connie Mason
  • Series: N/A
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: Leisure Books, July 1998 (self-pub ebook re-release 2012)
  • Source: Amazon ($3.99)
  • Length: 309 pages
  • Trope(s): Vikings
  • Quick blurb: Kidnapped by Vikings! Accusations of Witchcraft! Fake Marriage! Or Maybe It’s Real!?!
  • Quick review: The hero’s name is Thorne the Relentless. His sword is named Blood-drinker.
  • Grade: DNF

“The vital element missing in my dreams was the pleasure of piercing your sweet flesh with my mighty sword.”

Yes, I paid actual money for this. Shut up.

It wasn’t painful, but there wasn’t enough purple prose to make it worthwhile. I’ll let the rest of the quotes demonstrate the necessity of the DNF….

View the story “Viking! by Connie Mason” on Storify

…but let’s take a closer look at the original cover, shall we?

Viking! by Connie Mason

I’m guessing the publisher charged extra for the embossed golden V pointing directly at his throbbing manhood.

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Educational Visual Interlude

To prepare for the Shriveling of the Brain Cells (see below), let us examine the intricacies of Norse mythology:

_viking_dance

The mysterious “Let’s Get High Before We
Sacrifice A Goat To Thor” Dance of the Merry Vikings

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Fires of Winter by Johanna Lindsey

Fires of Winter by Johanna Lindsey

  • Title: Fires of Winter
  • Author: Johanna Lindsey
  • Series: Haardrad Viking Family, Book 1
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: Avon, September 1980 (self-pub ebook re-release 2010)
  • Source: Amazon (currently $1.99)
  • Length: 309 pages
  • Trope(s): Vikings
  • Quick blurb: Kidnapped by Vikings! Forced Seduction! Heroine Who Dresses Like A Boy!
  • Quick review: If I had finished this, it would have been an F-minus. It was DREADFUL.
  • Grade: DNF

That proud beast would surely tear her asunder and render her screaming for mercy.

When I started live-tweeting this, more than a few people claimed this book as their first adult romance. It’s a damn good thing I didn’t read this in 1980, because I would have been SCARRED FOR LIFE.

View the story “Fires of Winter by Johanna Lindsey” on Storify

I knew going in that this book is one of the infamous “forced seduction” romances. The opening chapter made a joke of rape, and The Deflowering scene is now burned in my memory as one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read. It might have worked as a parody, but the attempted humor was painfully uncomfortable.

By that point in the book, the Cringe Factor was already in a death spiral, primarily because of the TSTL female lead, who is now burned in my memory as the WORST “HEROINE” EVER. She would be the cause of the “doing unspeakable things to my Kindle” thing I mentioned in a previous post.

Fires of Winter by Johanna Lindsey - original 1980 cover

The original cover is the ONLY
good thing about this book.

And the writing. Uff da. Oy. UGH. I have a few others by Lindsey buried deep in the TBR queue, and I’m heartened by the fact that Fires of Winter was one of her earliest works. Honestly, without that knowledge, I would never read anything of hers again.

My Kindle notes include gems like these:

(1) Tigers aren’t venomous.

(2) There were no turkeys in medieval Norway.

(3) Ravens don’t wear cloaks.

And the heroine’s eyes. MY GOD, PEOPLE, SHE HAS GREY EYES! Not just ordinary grey eyes. These are stormy, cold, steely, silver, stormy, icy, evil, curious, flashing, wild, stormy, brooding, cunning, stormy  (did I mention STORMY???) grey eyes that glare, glance, shoot daggers, menace, narrow, darken, squint, accuse, disbelieve, pierce, sting, defy, baffle, sparkle, dart, ignite, glow, smolder and rage.

And the so-called “hero” doesn’t even name his sword. What kind of Viking doesn’t name his sword???

wabbit3

♫ ”My spear and magic helmet…” ♫

There’s more — much more — to snark about, but it’s not worth the effort. There was NOTHING to redeem this book, and it’s going to take some SERIOUS loin-girding to get me to try another by Johanna Lindsey.

Naughty Norsemen: Going a-Viking in Romancelandia – Part 1

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We’ll subtitle this post….

The maiden voyage

As part of my Haul of Half-Off Harlequins, I wound up with two Viking romances, chosen primarily for the snark value. Unfortunately, both were actually pretty good.

But, of course, these books kicked off a Viking-theme book binge, which dredged up one ridiculously fun PNR mashup, several “meh” examples, and one so-called “classic” that left me cringing.

Cute Viking

Before we set sail, I must admit I know fuck-all about actual Vikings or Norse mythology. I did learn that the proper homage to Thor for a successful pillage was a goat sacrifice, and you know how I feel about goats.

ANYWAY, it’s time to put on our pointy-horned hats and go raiding.

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Warriors in Winter by Michelle Willingham

Warriors in Winter by Michelle Willingham

  • Title: Warriors in Winter
  • Author: Michelle Willingham
  • Series/Category: MacEagan Brothers, Book 7 (Harlequin Historical)
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: Harlequin, December 2012
  • Source: Harlequin.com ($4.79 ebook)
  • Length: 288 pages
  • Trope(s): Vikings
  • Quick blurb: Vikings! Revenge! Blindness! Plot Moppets! Sacrifice!
  • Quick review: Almost forgettable, but I liked the focus on the strong heroines.
  • Grade: B-

“You must choose, Brianna. Between vengeance and death…or marriage and life.”

This was a good choice for my maiden voyage into Viking romance — short and enjoyable fluff, with heroines that didn’t make me want to do unspeakable things to my Kindle.

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Ice Maiden by Debra Lee Brown

Ice Maiden by Debra Lee Brown

  • Title: Ice Maiden
  • Author: Debra Lee Brown
  • Series/Category: Harlequin Historical
  • Genre(s): Historical
  • Publisher: Harlequin, Febuary 2001
  • Source: Harlequin.com ($4.79 ebook)
  • Length: 304 pages
  • Trope(s): Vikings! Shipwrecks! Kidnappings! Big Misunderstandings!
  • Quick blurb: Shipwrecked Scottish chieftain is forced to marry Viking princess so she can obtain her dowry to ransom her brother.
  • Quick review: An interesting trope-twister with the hero being held captive by a tall, muscular, grumpy heroine.
  • Grade: B-

Frigid. Authoritative. Mercenary. All a man could want in a bride.

I appreciated the kickass heroine and the gender reversal of the plot much more after reaching the next stops on the Viking Voyage (more on that dreck coming soon….).

Along Came Trouble by Ruthie Knox

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Along Came Trouble by Ruthie Knox

  • Title: Along Came Trouble
  • Author: Ruthie Knox
  • Series: Camelot, Book 2
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Loveswept, February 2013
  • Source: NetGalley ($2.99 ebook)
  • Length: 121 pages
  • Trope(s): Uptight Single Mother, Ex-Army Hero, Insta-Lust, Evil Ex,  Big Misunderstandings
  • Quick blurb: A single mother’s tightly-ordered life is disrupted when her pop-star brother insists on assigning her a security guard.
  • Quick review: More great characterization and smoking-hot chemistry, but the short timeframe and small-town antics got in the way of the relationship-building.
  • Grade: B

Get a grip, she told herself, but her libido had no claws, and the situation was slippery — a bizarre combination of socially awkward and inconveniently arousing.

So. I first attempted just a One-Quote Review because I’m lazy, but this book made me have THOUGHTS. And FEELINGS.

My THOUGHTS primarily centered around the realization that I identified with heroine Ellen. A LOT. While other reviewers labelled Ellen as “difficult” and bemoaned her resistance to going Full Damsel-In-Distress, I just wanted to smack Caleb upside the head and say, “DUDE. She’s a single mother with an abusive, unstable ex. And it’s only been a week. BACK THE FUCK OFF.”

Or, as Ellen reminds herself soon after she first meets Caleb:

She had to be on her guard against that feeling, to remain wary of reassigning agency from herself to a man. Be sufficient. That was the lesson of her relationship with Richard, the conclusion that she’d drawn from the first twenty-seven years of her life.

I have a lot more THOUGHTS about this subject, but it’s all TMI personal whining, so you’ll just have to get me drunk at RT to find out the rest.

My FEELINGS primarily centered around my annoyance with all the flaky secondary characters. One of the reasons I loved Knox’s first two books, and the novella that introduced this series, was the intimate atmosphere of the relationship-building, with the focus solely on the complex internal conflicts and angsty backstories of the main characters.

While there are some lovely moments of that in Along Came Trouble…

She couldn’t linger here with him, couldn’t let him make love to her this way. She needed him selfish and wild. Unimportant. Disposable.

…I felt the influx of siblings and in-laws and neighbors and paparazzi and cops and naked grandmothers and whatnot was just too much, and not what I expected from Knox. The kookiness felt forced, as if Camelot needed to meet all the criteria for a Standard Rom-Com Small-Town Setting. Although…after reading the author’s note, I am grateful the idiot pop-star brother was relegated to a supporting role.

But, in the end, of course, Knox’s writing makes all that nearly irrelevant…

It was seductive, feeling things. She’d forgotten.

…so now I’ll just shut up and keep reading.

One-Quote Review: How to Misbehave by Ruthie Knox

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How to Misbehave by Ruthie Knox

  • Title: How to Misbehave
  • Author: Ruthie Knox
  • Series: Camelot, Book 1
  • Genre(s): Contemporary
  • Publisher: Loveswept, January 2013
  • Source: NetGalley (99¢ ebook)
  • Length: 121 pages
  • Trope(s): Inexperienced Heroine, Angsty Hero, Trapped by a Storm
  • Quick blurb: Quiet community center director makes the most of an unexpected entrapment with a  local construction contractor.
  • Quick review: An amazing amount of characterization in only 100 pages. Also, hot storm sex.
  • Grade: A

Not like a cudgel at all. Like…wanting, if it had a shape.

Yes, I’m giving Knox YET ANOTHER “A” GRADE. I’m a fangirl. Just shut up and read this, it’s wonderful.

One-Quote Review: Selling Out by Amber Lin

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Selling Out by Amber Lin

  • Title: Selling Out
  • Author: Amber Lin
  • Series: Lost Girls, Book 2
  • Genre(s): Contemporary, Suspense
  • Publisher: Loose Id, February 2013
  • Source: Review copy provided by author ($7.99 ebook)
  • Length: 315 pages
  • Trope(s): Crusty Cop, Hooker with a Heart of Gold, Family Drama
  • Quick blurb:  A jaded call girl feels compelled to save a naive young runaway — and an enigmatic cop is trying to protect them both.
  • Quick review: The frenetic opening almost left me behind, but when I finally caught up, the intense atmosphere and complex characters had me hooked.
  • Grade: B

He was more deserving of love than anybody I had ever known, but it wasn’t even relevant to how I felt about him. Love wasn’t a choice, it was an accident. Not a climb, but a fall. I had slipped somewhere along my prickly path and down, down to the murky depths, hurtling ever farther, ever faster, and the only question was whether he would meet me at the bottom.

I probably should have read the first book in the series again before starting this one, because I felt more than a little bewildered during the first few chapters. But then Officer Luke showed up, and GOOD LORD.

And just as Lin captured the despair and hope of a struggling single mother in Giving It Up, the call girl main character here is anything but cookie-cutter. Shelly is bitchy and vulnerable and probably the most complex prostitute I’ve ever read in a contemporary.

One-Quote Review: Unrivaled by Siri Mitchell

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  • Unrivaled by Siri MitchellTitle: Unrivaled
  • Author: Siri Mitchell
  • Series: N/A
  • Genre(s): Inspirational, Historical (1910 U.S.)
  • Publisher: Bethany House, March 2013
  • Source: NetGalley ($9.99 ebook)
  • Length: 384 pages
  • Trope(s): Family Drama, Reluctant Debutante, Reluctant Heir
  • Quick blurb:  St. Louis debutante tries desperately to save her ailing father’s beloved candy company, but struggles with her feelings for their rival’s son.
  • Quick review: Fun historical premise and setting, memorable characters and complex conflicts — but not my favorite by Mitchell
  • Grade: B

“I’ve always thought a meringue is a thing like hope, buoyed as they they are plenty of hot air. A bit pretentious at the start, don’t you think?” He settled his hands on his chest. “But that let that hope wait, let that resolve harden for a while…. Leave the oven door closed, and something wonderful happens. You just have to be willing to wait for it.”

I’d recommend this book for the historical world-building alone. Mitchell combines the early 1900s time period with the drama of rival family businesses to create a unique atmosphere that’s light-hearted and restless and constantly evolving — just like her main characters.

The one thing this book was lacking was a cohesive faith message. I love the low-key and understated spirituality in all of Mitchell’s books, but concentrating all of it in one secondary character — especially one who talks in circles — made it seem like an afterthought instead of an integral part of the story.