“A” is for Author Crush, “D” is for Dud
If you have to ask what “F” is for, you’re reading the wrong blog
So far in my avocation as a rookie book reviewer, I’ve just been winging it when assigning a grade. Reading back through the first reviews I wrote, it’s obvious my grading was pretty random, and my unstructured stream-of-consciousness reviews weren’t helping me distill my likes and dislikes.
Now that I’m settling into a more coherent (heh) review style and online persona (Smarmy Mean Girl), I’m trying to be more analytical about not only the final grades, but also my rationales behind those decisions.
Therefore, I have created A CHART. Specifically, a FLOWCHART. A color-coded FLOWCHART.
FLOWCHART: Will Kelly Like Your Book?
View the flowchart at a legible size
(1000x16000px – perfect for desktop wallpaper!)
Download a printable poster-size PDF
(11″x17″ – perfect for framing to give as gifts!)
NOTE — Re: the asterisk (*) in the “Heroine: Smartass or Dumbass” box…. The “hero/heroine” choices make this seem totally M/F-centric, but I couldn’t figure out a way to coherently encode the equivalent of “Hero(ine) A/B” in those little boxes — a dilemma which makes me respect authors of non-traditional romances even more.
If you are an author, this FLOWCHART will be an invaluable tool in developing your next bestseller. If you don’t write what I like to read, don’t come whining to me. You had your chance.
In case you’re wondering, I’m repeating the word FLOWCHART for search engine optimization (SEO) so I can be the #1 result on a Google search for yet another useless bit of romance novel geekery.
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The Official Insta-Love Books Reviews Scale O’ Grading:
This is important, dammit, so PAY ATTENTION. But I reserve the right change this whenever I feel like it without any notification whatsoever. Because it’s my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want.
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Grade: A — for “Author Crush”
- Uses my favorite tropes in a unique way OR overcomes my aversion to a “meh” trope.
- A favorite author who just keeps getting better.
- Storytelling that is anything but predictable or clichéd.
- World-building — fantasy, historical or contemporary — that sucks me in and doesn’t let me go.
- A reverence for history that makes me jealous I’m not the one doing all the research — and sets me off on a quest to learn more.
- A compelling use of language and authorial voice. I LOVE to just sit back and wallow in the writing.
- Something I’d recommend to ANY reader as an example of the craft of writing.
The must-have qualification for an A grade….
BOOK TRANCE. These are my one-sitting, go-away-don’t-bother-me-I’m-reading, staying-up-until-3-a.m., definitely-read-again books.
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Grade: B — for “you Betcha, Baby”
- Uses a common romance trope in a lively way that exceeds my expectations.
- An author who clearly enjoys writing and has a kick-ass sense of humor.
- Storytelling that keeps me reading without kicking me out of my book trance.
- Attention to detail, accuracy and consistency in world-building — especially in historicals — worked seamlessly into the story.
- Main characters that are out of the ordinary, without being over-the-top.
- Something out of my comfort zone that makes me re-think my boundaries and deal-breakers.
- Something I’d recommend to Romancelandians or other genre fans.
- A release by a favorite author that gives me exactly what I expected.
The must-have for a B grade:
It’s got to be MEMORABLE. No matter how competent the writing is, if I can’t glance at the title two months later and distinctly remember the characters or plot, I can’t recommend it.
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Grade: C — for “Coulda been better, Coulda been worse”
- Meets my expectations in an “eh, whatever” kind of way.
- Generally predictable, but not excessively boring or clichéd.
- May contain minor historical inaccuracies or character inconsistencies.
- A few annoyances, but nothing that actively pisses me off — or something good that offsets the irritations.
- Would recommend only for fans of that trope, category or sub-genre.
No must-haves for a C grade…
…but these are primarily the acceptable-but-forgettable ones that don’t give me anything new or different.
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Grade: D — for “Dreadful Duds”
- The big disappointments — the “what the hell where those other reviewers smoking???” let-downs that make me feel something is wrong with ME.
- An author I previously respected who resorts to laziness with over-used tropes, clichéd storytelling and/or unlikeable characters.
- A noticeable disregard for character development in favor of plot shenanigans or repetitive backstory.
- A noticeable disrespect for the genre, world-building, historical accuracy and the English language in general.
- Something I couldn’t recommend to anyone.
The difference between a D and an F….
D-grade books are just generally BAD. But there’s at least one redeeming factor that kept me reading — and sometimes that factor is providing big, fat targets for my Darts of Mockery and Dismay.
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Grade: F — for “Festeringly Foul”
What? You thought I was going to use the F-dash-dash-dash word, didn’t you?
- Failing grades are reserved for books that ACTIVELY PISS ME OFF.
- My “no fucking way” deal-breakers are misogyny, infidelity, racism, homophobia and appallingly lazy and insulting historical errors.
- I show no mercy for unedited messes of crap with painful use of the English language — misspellings, homophone confusion, punctuation fuck-ups, subject/verb disagreement, etc., etc. THERE ARE RULES FOR A REASON. LEARN THEM. If you can’t be bothered, you’re just a lazy hack and I have NO respect for you as a writer. This applies to self-pub, small-pub AND trad-pub. If it’s a big trad-pub, I will include the editing team in my Storm of Scorn.
Is an F the Kiss of Doom for an author?
Probably. I hold grudges. But maybe not. It depends on how bad the Piss-Me-Offery was.
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Grade: DNF
- A writing style or authorial “voice” I just cannot connect with. Shattered Glass by Dani Alexander is a perfect example — impeccable writing and very memorable characters, but the pacing issues were too much for me.
- Boring, predictable, repetitive AND clichéd.
- Recycled plots and characters that weren’t good the first time around.
- Ridiculously contrived plots, excessive and irrelevant detail, and/or pointless and confusing head-hopping.
- Gimmicky fluff with no substance.
- “Issue” books with heavy-handed Themes and Messages and Lessons. Here’s a tip: Beating readers over the head isn’t a good story-telling technique. Try a little subtlety — please.
- Kicking me out of my reading trance one too many times. I’m a very fast reader with a VERY big TBR queue, so if there are too many red flags, I’m ditching it.
The benefit of the doubt:
My goal is to read at least one-third of a book before making the “do I keep reading?” decision — if I’m not invested by then, there’s usually no hope. But sometimes I’ll bail out earlier, and once in a while I’ll ignore the red flags until they accumulate past the tipping point.
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Rights and responsibilities
I do NOT consider myself obligated in any way to finish a book. EVER. I couldn’t give a rat’s ass if an author has spent the best years of her life writing it and considers it her “baby.”
Try pulling that bullshit excuse in a real job — ain’t gonna get you much sympathy if your end product still sucks.
