Now the Fun Group Project! Woohoo!
Yes, I know I failed my self-imposed “no-snark” test in the Seminar on Body Issues. But I tried – HONEST. So in celebration of my sincere attempt at writing like a grown-up, it’s time to play….
Choose How You Lose!
Because, let’s face it, we’re all just pathetic romance readers who must aspire to have a Barbie Body to earn the love of a man. Any man. Or woman. It doesn’t matter, we’re all just one big pity party around here.
The rules are simple – just scroll through the tried-and-true weight-loss methods below and vote for your favorite(s) in the comments. And then make your guess which one is MY favorite (*snerk*).
Ready, set, GO!
Quick warning: Option 10 is NOT for the faint of heart…(er, stomach).
Option 1: Take a bath
It’s the luxurious, Parisian way to creating a flab-free figure.
Option 2: Take up smoking
And you thought the Mad Men Lucky Strike ads were bad. And there’s a lot more where this came from.
Option 3: Eat more beans
But not just any ol’ beans – they’ve got to be laxative beans.
Option 4: Wear a polyester leotard
But for maximum effectiveness, it must be a full-body footie leotard, available exclusively at Sears.
Option 5: Eat more candy
Specifically, candy made from granulated kelp. Yes, really – but these are black-market only due to federal fraud regulations. Stupid government. Almost enough to make me vote Republican.
Option 6: Eat more sugar
Real sugar, thank God.
Option 7: Jiggle-drinking
Hands-free auto-jiggling! You’ll notice the wall mirror is behind them.
Option 8: Horse exercise at home
Note: Men get to ride astride. Fuckers.
Option 9: Plug in and get off
Soothe away those unsightly bulges with a relaxing, penetrating(!!!) massage.
NOTE: This is the one I warned you about….
Option 10: Ingest sanitized tapeworms
Yes, REALLY. But don’t worry — they’re easy to swallow.
Polls are closing soon!
Make your choices and record your vote in the comments! Because sharing snark far outweighs (hahahahaha!) voter privacy!
Then stay in your seats….
Because we’re always Equal Opportunity here at Insta-Love, we also have a special Skinny Shaming bonus round for the stick chicks!
And we have one for the guys too – and it’s a doozy.
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If you’re joining this rant in progress, don’t miss the beginning and end of all this WTFery:
OMG, #10 has to win! I’ve read about people with colitis who swallow microbes because our digestion system evolved to include the critters we used to eat along with the usually spoiled or undercooked food we ate. But voluntarily swallowing tapeworms? Just to be thin? Sheesh!
I vote for taking up smoking. Works a treat – especially the chemotherapy. Actually why isn’t chemo included? Or cancer, to be more accurate? Death works too. It’s a scientifically proven fact that peoples’ bodies weigh heaps less after being dead for a while – due to becoming just bones. And the bony look is highly desirable – just check out any european fashion show.
I vote for smoking too because, you know, it not only helps you lose weight, but takes care of those pesky “throat irritations and coughs.” WTH? The cigarette companies were/are such a piece of work.